Overnight visit

Last weekend we were able to have our 1st overnight visit with the kids.  Boy were we excited!  A whole 24 hours with the boys was exactly what we needed following all of the sadness we'd endured with my father-in-laws passing the week prior.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster because in the midst of all of our sadness there was a deep longing to be with our kids, we missed them so incredibly much.  After having a late Friday evening wrapping up the drawing and with very little sleep, we got up as early as possible and got down the road.  The trip to SA was grueling but the closer we got to our babies the more energy we had to keep going on. Let me just say this, that toll road that starts in Round Rock with the 85mph signs aligning it is AMAZING. Lol!  Driving that got us there in record timing! When we arrived our kiddos were outside playing basketball with their foster father and several other foster kids. Once they realized we were there and watching, they started showing off for "mom and dad!" But in order to keep from wasting too much time we got all of their stuff together and we were off to start our day! It was too early to check into the hotel so we decided to go to lunch and then shopping for a few things we needed for our time together.  The boys did so good!  I learned just how picky our oldest is when it comes to food. There are a lot of tasty things he does NOT like but I'm confident that it will change as things progress.  I mean c'mon, the child doesn't like mac n cheese for the sake of all that is holy!!  I asked him, "Exactly what kind of child are you?!"  Haha!  But it is what it is and he's mine all mine. :)  At the store I had to go to the ladies department to get a sports bra and figured I'd leave the boys with Bobby to keep from embarrassing them and myself, but do you think that worked?!  NO!  My youngest told Bobby that he wanted to see me and my husband realized that it was a security thing with him so he brought them over conveniently as I was holding up a nice bra to my chest!! They were giggling at me and I couldn't help but laugh back with embarrassment and hide the bra behind my back all red faced.  Lol! I guess that's going to be a first of many silly "mommy" moments so I had better get use to it. 

When we finished lunch and shopping we headed to the hotel to get checked in and ready to swim.  We had purposely picked a hotel that had an indoor pool so that we could stay in with the kids and have fun. My my you'd have thought the boys were at Disney Land!  They were jumping with excitement to get their swim suits on and get to the water.  When we got there I was busy blowing up floaties for our youngest and the oldest just jumped right on in like nothing!!  Apparently he can swim like a fish and thoroughly enjoys it.  Our baby took things a little slower and chose to cling to me a bit at first even with the floaties on but he got over that pretty quickly and was able to practice swimming, floating, and jumping off of Bobby's shoulders, eventually without the floaties. We spent all of 3 hours in the pool having a great time and unbelievably they never ran out of energy once.  It was so much fun! After that we went back to the hotel room and took baths/showers, ordered dinner, and popped in a movie.  The boys were so happy to cuddle up with Bobby and I.  It really seemed like they couldn't get close enough to us and we loved every minute of it. At one point my youngest asked me if he could call me mommy and I said yes. That hit me at the core and made me so happy.  Of course throughout the weekend he went back and forth between calling me mom and Hannah but that's to be expected and I'll take as many "mom's" as I can get. 

When we were done with the movie and it was time for bed, our littlest said he wanted to sleep with me and for brother to sleep with Dad so we agreed and got under the covers. He then jumped on top of me and said in a sweet little voice, "Hold me I'm your little baby!!!!"  Lol! What's funny is all day long he'd been telling me, "I'm NOT a baby I am a BIG boy!" but as soon as night came there he was getting as close to me as he possibly could begging to be rocked and coddled and that's exactly what he got.  After he fell asleep I noticed that my oldest was having some trouble sleeping. He was pulling on his covers, sitting up and looking around in the dark, and tossing around unable to get comfortable.  So I got up and told him to get in bed with his brother and asked him if he wanted me to rub his feet.  He said yes so I put his feet in my lap and started working. It wasn't two minutes and he was out and I was a proud momma at that moment.

When I finally laid down myself I was so tired but still couldn't sleep because every sound they made caused me to wake up and immediately check on them. I just wanted them to be okay and it didn't matter if it was at the expense of my own rest.  I'll never forget the feeling of being so exhausted but not caring at all, it was mind boggling. I know this sounds crazy but in that moment and probably for the first time, "I" didn't matter to me as much as they did. It's the closest I've ever been to loving something completely unselfishly.  Even in marriage there's a measure of selfishness that married couples need to have because marriage is a give and take type of relationship.  One spouse can't continually take without giving because the other will eventually grow empty, weary, and feel forgotten about. But there's something supernatural that happens in a parent/child relationship that isn't revealed until you experience it first hand. This magic, this mysterious happening, is all about sacrificing your own self to make sure your child has everything he/she needs in the world and I'm convinced that this mystery reveals the very picture of how God sees us.  We are His children, chosen before the foundation of the earth, and for us He created the earth and sacrificed everything he had to get back what the enemy tried to steal. The very reason why we have the gift of grace and forgiveness is because of a loving father who was willing to give it all up to reconcile us back to Him through crucifying of Christ, his pride, joy, and most prized possession. I am by no means comparing myself to God but it is in this journey that I'm beginning to see and love Him in a whole new light.  There are many many facets to our creator and we haven't even scratched the surface of his goodness.

The next morning we woke early to attend church with the boys for Easter service.  Boy were my guys handsome!  Bobby bought a new outfit and our two rascals had on the cutest little suits I've ever seen. The Biffels were lookin' good!  :) Once we arrived at the church we asked the boys if they wanted to go to the children's service but they said they wanted to stay with us so we went and sat down.  The music and message was so uplifting and amazing that we stood and clapped several times and both boys joined us as well.  It was so funny! When church was over we headed back to our boys foster home where they were planning a HUGE Easter celebration for the kids. Apparently their foster mother is one of three foster moms in her family so everyone and their children/placements get together at their house because they live on a pretty big piece of land with lots of space for a nice egg hunt.  They had lots of food, activities, and fun set up for the bio/foster kiddos there and it was nice, but there was a distinct difference of how the foster children were treated from the family children.  I wasn't too thrilled about that. Aside from the match events we've attended, I've never seen so many foster children together in one place before so as always, it was enlightening.  Some of them were pretty rough looking but there was an occasional sad one here and there.  You can see the sadness and confusion in their little eyes, it's palpable at times. But I've learned that this is the reality of foster care.

After the egg hunt was over and the celebration was coming to an end, it was late and time for us to head back to Fort Worth.  None of us were happy about it, AT ALL. We had to coax our boys to walk us to the car to say our goodbyes because they they didn't want to. As we were telling them how much fun we had and that we were going to miss them, our littlest said, "Okay BYE!" as if to say that he didn't care about us anymore and to just leave like everyone else does and that really hurt. It was as if in that moment we were no different than every other person who had abandoned them and that is not a place I ever want to be again. But regardless Bobby and I dismissed that by continuing to tell them how we loved them and how much we were going to miss them and that nothing was going to keep us from being a family forever one day soon.  That seemed to make him crack a smile but he was still looking down at the ground.  He then began to beg us to stay and come back tomorrow and next weekend while our oldest hugged and kissed us over and over telling us how much he loved us and was going to miss us so much. It was heartbreaking.  We got into the car and shut the door and the boys ran ahead and stood by a tree waving and blowing kisses at us and as we were pulling off ran beside the car a little bit yelling, "Bye, we love you, we miss you, bye!!" Needless to say by that time Bobby and I were bawling like babies while watching our boys disappear in the rear-view mirror. My only hope from this day forward is that we have more hugs and kisses and less goodbyes because I don't think we can take much more of that.

Please pray for our boys as we all continue to wait for their homecoming. The days seems to be getting longer the closer it gets and that is especially hard on them.  I can only imagine how they must be feeling but I know that God is merciful and will take care of them while we're apart. 



Hannah