Perfect

I was so proud of Noah today. During speech therapy he was having a hard time getting the words out the way he wanted so his therapist explained to him that no one speaks perfectly and that there is not one perfect person in this world. After listening to what she had to say he responded by saying, "Well except God and Jesus, THEY are the only perfect ones!" and all I could do was sit quietly and grin.

This is the same kid who struggles sometimes every minute of the day with OCD and his obsession with perfection. Every word he utters and every movement he makes is consumed by it.  Sometimes as I watch him struggle with simple everyday tasks we all take for granted, and believe me y'all it's really difficult to watch, I can feel the frustration build inside me. At the same time my inner most being screams, "Just tie your shoes for God's sake, it's not that hard!! C'mon Noah, put the towel in the dirty clothes, JUST PUT THE TOWEL IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES!!" as he fumbles wildly, shaking, and ticing, having to accomplish it until it feels 'just right' in his world.  I'm not going to tell you that I don't have moments where the frustration gets the best of me where I actually say those words OUT LOUD because shamefully, I do. There are days I am weak from the stress of watching him consumed by his inner turmoil, on those days the tension is palpable, on those days I tend to slip up, on those days I feel like the worst mother in the world.  Yet, there are times when I somehow muster up the ability to stifle the frustration and anger I feel towards OCD and what it does to my son, and the words I choose to let beyond these lips are, "Son, there's no perfect way to speak and there's no perfect way to do anything.  Jesus is the only perfect one and He can help you." Before today I truly felt like those words fell on deaf ears as he would seemingly bypass what I said and continue doing what he was doing before. Even after saying that, most of the time I have to physically remove things from his hands or lead him away from a situation, and sometimes I have to make him redo whatever it is ten or more times until he stops and does whatever it is without performing any rituals. This life isn't for everyone but albeit, it's mine. This is the son God chose for me, and though he's far from ever being 'perfect' (whatever perfect is anyway) he's a part of God's perfect plan for my life and I am thankful.

I know that one day Noah will be healed and though I can't see the bigger picture or have all the answers as to how it's going to work out, I rest in knowing that God's ways are not my ways. He's never lied to me and He's never let me down and He will work it all out according to his perfect plan.

Realness

Forgive me followers for I have sinned!  It has been exactly six months and four days since my last confession. We have been so busy learning this whole parenting thing that I rarely have the time to sit down and blog anymore but the fact of the matter is, I still need an outlet. Anyway, moving on.


I figured I would share a moment of realness we had with our youngest son today.  This is an extremely rare occasion so when it happens, it most definitely is share worthy.

Today we had long time plumber friend of ours come over that the boys had never met to fix our water heater.  As he was on his way out the door he said something to the effect of, "Congratulations on finalizing your adoption next month! That's so exciting!" Out of nowhere my youngest son responded by saying, "Yeah me and my brother were in foster care and I hate foster care!" "Our parents were bad parents so we had to get adopted."  "They fought a lot...and I don't like seeing them fight." "But I have them now, (pointed to us) and they're good parents and I get to live in a home with peace!"

OH. EM. GEE.

You could have heard a pin drop at that point.  It was an awkward silence...a very definite awkward silence...but if there ever was a time when my heart both broke and welled up with happiness, it was in this moment. (I never knew such an feeling was possible.)  This is a child that has said weekly in the beginning that he misses/loves his parents and he wants to go back with them. He has also talked about turning 18 and finding his mother or moving far away with her. However, in just a few short sentences, he powerfully summed up his seven years on this earth without any inhibitions and bared his heart. My own heart broke to hear the pain, sadness, and loss he endured but yet at the same time it flooded with happiness in awe at the goodness of God who thought him worthy of a happy ending that includes Bob and I and that he was finally embracing it.

Though we mercilessly pursued them, when my boys came home, my life became virtually unrecognizable. It may sound insensitive but there were nights that I cried myself to sleep wondering how I got us into this mess and if it would ever be okay. I had moments of jealousy and resentment and that in its self led to feelings of guilt knowing that I felt that way when they were relying on me to be the best mom I could be. I honestly wondered if I would ever learn to love my new 'normal.' Yet through this journey I was handed a mirror into my inner most being and with it God has been revealing to me that though I need his help daily to be even a little good, I'm equipped with a strength and endurance that I never knew existed within me to bare their brokenness. Though I tend to forget to say it out loud, it especially resounds in my mind in times like these that all of the long days, sleepless nights, stress, behaviors, and extremely uncomfortable moments endured are a blessing and I am privileged to have been chosen for this life. 



With love,
Hannah

Overnight visit

Last weekend we were able to have our 1st overnight visit with the kids.  Boy were we excited!  A whole 24 hours with the boys was exactly what we needed following all of the sadness we'd endured with my father-in-laws passing the week prior.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster because in the midst of all of our sadness there was a deep longing to be with our kids, we missed them so incredibly much.  After having a late Friday evening wrapping up the drawing and with very little sleep, we got up as early as possible and got down the road.  The trip to SA was grueling but the closer we got to our babies the more energy we had to keep going on. Let me just say this, that toll road that starts in Round Rock with the 85mph signs aligning it is AMAZING. Lol!  Driving that got us there in record timing! When we arrived our kiddos were outside playing basketball with their foster father and several other foster kids. Once they realized we were there and watching, they started showing off for "mom and dad!" But in order to keep from wasting too much time we got all of their stuff together and we were off to start our day! It was too early to check into the hotel so we decided to go to lunch and then shopping for a few things we needed for our time together.  The boys did so good!  I learned just how picky our oldest is when it comes to food. There are a lot of tasty things he does NOT like but I'm confident that it will change as things progress.  I mean c'mon, the child doesn't like mac n cheese for the sake of all that is holy!!  I asked him, "Exactly what kind of child are you?!"  Haha!  But it is what it is and he's mine all mine. :)  At the store I had to go to the ladies department to get a sports bra and figured I'd leave the boys with Bobby to keep from embarrassing them and myself, but do you think that worked?!  NO!  My youngest told Bobby that he wanted to see me and my husband realized that it was a security thing with him so he brought them over conveniently as I was holding up a nice bra to my chest!! They were giggling at me and I couldn't help but laugh back with embarrassment and hide the bra behind my back all red faced.  Lol! I guess that's going to be a first of many silly "mommy" moments so I had better get use to it. 

When we finished lunch and shopping we headed to the hotel to get checked in and ready to swim.  We had purposely picked a hotel that had an indoor pool so that we could stay in with the kids and have fun. My my you'd have thought the boys were at Disney Land!  They were jumping with excitement to get their swim suits on and get to the water.  When we got there I was busy blowing up floaties for our youngest and the oldest just jumped right on in like nothing!!  Apparently he can swim like a fish and thoroughly enjoys it.  Our baby took things a little slower and chose to cling to me a bit at first even with the floaties on but he got over that pretty quickly and was able to practice swimming, floating, and jumping off of Bobby's shoulders, eventually without the floaties. We spent all of 3 hours in the pool having a great time and unbelievably they never ran out of energy once.  It was so much fun! After that we went back to the hotel room and took baths/showers, ordered dinner, and popped in a movie.  The boys were so happy to cuddle up with Bobby and I.  It really seemed like they couldn't get close enough to us and we loved every minute of it. At one point my youngest asked me if he could call me mommy and I said yes. That hit me at the core and made me so happy.  Of course throughout the weekend he went back and forth between calling me mom and Hannah but that's to be expected and I'll take as many "mom's" as I can get. 

When we were done with the movie and it was time for bed, our littlest said he wanted to sleep with me and for brother to sleep with Dad so we agreed and got under the covers. He then jumped on top of me and said in a sweet little voice, "Hold me I'm your little baby!!!!"  Lol! What's funny is all day long he'd been telling me, "I'm NOT a baby I am a BIG boy!" but as soon as night came there he was getting as close to me as he possibly could begging to be rocked and coddled and that's exactly what he got.  After he fell asleep I noticed that my oldest was having some trouble sleeping. He was pulling on his covers, sitting up and looking around in the dark, and tossing around unable to get comfortable.  So I got up and told him to get in bed with his brother and asked him if he wanted me to rub his feet.  He said yes so I put his feet in my lap and started working. It wasn't two minutes and he was out and I was a proud momma at that moment.

When I finally laid down myself I was so tired but still couldn't sleep because every sound they made caused me to wake up and immediately check on them. I just wanted them to be okay and it didn't matter if it was at the expense of my own rest.  I'll never forget the feeling of being so exhausted but not caring at all, it was mind boggling. I know this sounds crazy but in that moment and probably for the first time, "I" didn't matter to me as much as they did. It's the closest I've ever been to loving something completely unselfishly.  Even in marriage there's a measure of selfishness that married couples need to have because marriage is a give and take type of relationship.  One spouse can't continually take without giving because the other will eventually grow empty, weary, and feel forgotten about. But there's something supernatural that happens in a parent/child relationship that isn't revealed until you experience it first hand. This magic, this mysterious happening, is all about sacrificing your own self to make sure your child has everything he/she needs in the world and I'm convinced that this mystery reveals the very picture of how God sees us.  We are His children, chosen before the foundation of the earth, and for us He created the earth and sacrificed everything he had to get back what the enemy tried to steal. The very reason why we have the gift of grace and forgiveness is because of a loving father who was willing to give it all up to reconcile us back to Him through crucifying of Christ, his pride, joy, and most prized possession. I am by no means comparing myself to God but it is in this journey that I'm beginning to see and love Him in a whole new light.  There are many many facets to our creator and we haven't even scratched the surface of his goodness.

The next morning we woke early to attend church with the boys for Easter service.  Boy were my guys handsome!  Bobby bought a new outfit and our two rascals had on the cutest little suits I've ever seen. The Biffels were lookin' good!  :) Once we arrived at the church we asked the boys if they wanted to go to the children's service but they said they wanted to stay with us so we went and sat down.  The music and message was so uplifting and amazing that we stood and clapped several times and both boys joined us as well.  It was so funny! When church was over we headed back to our boys foster home where they were planning a HUGE Easter celebration for the kids. Apparently their foster mother is one of three foster moms in her family so everyone and their children/placements get together at their house because they live on a pretty big piece of land with lots of space for a nice egg hunt.  They had lots of food, activities, and fun set up for the bio/foster kiddos there and it was nice, but there was a distinct difference of how the foster children were treated from the family children.  I wasn't too thrilled about that. Aside from the match events we've attended, I've never seen so many foster children together in one place before so as always, it was enlightening.  Some of them were pretty rough looking but there was an occasional sad one here and there.  You can see the sadness and confusion in their little eyes, it's palpable at times. But I've learned that this is the reality of foster care.

After the egg hunt was over and the celebration was coming to an end, it was late and time for us to head back to Fort Worth.  None of us were happy about it, AT ALL. We had to coax our boys to walk us to the car to say our goodbyes because they they didn't want to. As we were telling them how much fun we had and that we were going to miss them, our littlest said, "Okay BYE!" as if to say that he didn't care about us anymore and to just leave like everyone else does and that really hurt. It was as if in that moment we were no different than every other person who had abandoned them and that is not a place I ever want to be again. But regardless Bobby and I dismissed that by continuing to tell them how we loved them and how much we were going to miss them and that nothing was going to keep us from being a family forever one day soon.  That seemed to make him crack a smile but he was still looking down at the ground.  He then began to beg us to stay and come back tomorrow and next weekend while our oldest hugged and kissed us over and over telling us how much he loved us and was going to miss us so much. It was heartbreaking.  We got into the car and shut the door and the boys ran ahead and stood by a tree waving and blowing kisses at us and as we were pulling off ran beside the car a little bit yelling, "Bye, we love you, we miss you, bye!!" Needless to say by that time Bobby and I were bawling like babies while watching our boys disappear in the rear-view mirror. My only hope from this day forward is that we have more hugs and kisses and less goodbyes because I don't think we can take much more of that.

Please pray for our boys as we all continue to wait for their homecoming. The days seems to be getting longer the closer it gets and that is especially hard on them.  I can only imagine how they must be feeling but I know that God is merciful and will take care of them while we're apart. 



Hannah

Drawing Winners

**Congratulations to the winners of the drawings below** 

Massage Winner: Kim Collins
Salon Services: Brenda Williams
Build-A-Bear: Kelly Csizmazia
Essential Oil: Missy Camp
Blessed Bracelet: Matt Shutz
Hope Bracelet: Jessica Boyd
Easter Basket: Rebecca Stiehl
Tat Session: Lauren Mitchell and Clay Harrison
Photo Session: Melissa Flores
Jiu Jitsu-Matt Shutz
Covered Roaster-Rachael Ferreira
Artful Village Paint Party-Lynn Taylor
Cowboys Necklace: Kelly Csizmazia
Baby Bracelets: Frances Zuniga

Thank you so much to everyone who participated we couldn't do this without your support.  May the ones who contributed but didn't win be richly blessed in every aspect of their lives.

Love,
Bobby and Hannah Biffel

T-Shirt Fundraiser

I created a T-Shirt to help us further raise funds while we're visiting with our kids.  My favorite thing about this shirt is that the little puzzle piece says "Adoption" in it teehee! 

Please consider purchasing one, we have to sell at least 35 for them to go to print.  

Please click here to purchase. 

You will not be charged unless we make our goal.

Made for them

Most of you won't make the connection here and that's okay because only a handful of my friends know the entirety of what I endured as a kid. But anyhow this song resounds in my heart when I think about all of it and how God exchanged beauty for ashes in my life when He chose me to be the mother of my boys.  I didn't put it all together at first but when I did I saw His miraculous work.  It's true, I was made for them...

"The Story"

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

Oh yeah, well it's true... that
I was made for you...

Uphill battle

I was just sitting here wondering just how much my kids believe we're really coming back for them since our first visit last weekend. Don't get me wrong I'm not so naive to think that they will instantly trust us when they've had numerous placements and many adults move in and out of their lives who've let them down. Just today I called and talked to my oldest and had to remind him that we were coming up for another visit and it was like he heard it for the first time though we've spoken about it with him on three separate occasions already. It was almost like he was surprised that we really were still coming. As a matter of fact, with our boys, promises in general tend to go in one ear and out the other making it feel like we're fighting an uphill battle having to make up for all of the disappointment they've faced in their short little lives. But it's not like we're not up for the challenge...

As an adoptive parent you're made to go through classes meant to somewhat prepare you for your child's homecoming. These classes speak in depth about maladjusted children with a whole slew of attachment, bonding, and trust issues (among other behaviors; some very horrific in nature) but secretly you think to yourself, "not my child."  I only know this because I WAS one of those people.  I thought, "I have good judgment character so I'm just going to pick out a cute child that will fit our family with the least amount of issues and everything will be just perfect..."  LOL..NOT!!  One thing the classes don't prepare you for is God's will for your life and the fact that His will just may include you parenting a child with all of those issues and more. I've learned that the adoption journey is less about me and more about redemption and the glory of God. You see, God didn't need ME to do HIS job and that was a tough pill to swallow once it sunk in.  It was only after much anxiety and sleepless nights while we were approved and waiting running into walls before I accepted the fact that I was called to walk this journey not called to be in charge of it.

Without going into too much detail about our boys background just know that our children have been through more tragedy and heartache in their short lives than most adults have in a lifetime and it's more than I ever thought Bob and I were capable of dealing with. Naturally we limited ourselves to what we thought we could handle but God saw capabilities in us that we had no idea even existed. While we were sitting there hoping and waiting for the "perfect" children with little needs He had already set aside for us two miracles that were diamonds in the rough; beauties born out of insurmountable ashes far from what we had envisioned.  It wasn't until later when we realized that God, using his grace as the divine orchestrator, fine tuned our lives to harmonize perfectly with our boys very special needs much before we even started the adoption journey. I'm not sure how the song will play out but I know it will be one of furious love, redemption and grace.

On this road laid before us there are barriers Bob and I have to break through and plenty of opportunities to make up for where our boys have been let down. Yes, there will surely be more days like today when it feels like we're fighting an uphill battle. But with each trial there is a security in knowing that the same God who called us according to His purpose is the one that will equip us and give us enough grace to get through it as we keep our eyes on Him. I look at my boys sweet faces and sit here amazed at the wonders of God, how He would see us fit and choose us to parent the two most amazing little human beings I've ever met. So if it take us having to prove ourselves a thousand times a day, then so be it.


Hannah

Miracle

I never thought Bobby and I would ever get to this point but here we are.  WE'RE PARENTS!  Okay so let me backtrack a little and fill in the blanks.  On Thursday April 3rd at 11:30am we finally had our presentation staffing (final meeting giving us all current information about them) regarding adopting our sons and once that was completed we had to wait 24 hours to give them our final decision. According to the rules the 24 hours is for us to more or less "sleep on it."  Of course Bobby and I didn't need to sleep on it because we already knew we were going to adopt them but nonetheless we had to play by the rules. By Thursday evening we were so antsy and couldn't wait to have the chance to see the kids and start our visitations so late that night, after much convincing by my mother-in-law I sent a request to have our first visitation with the boys the very next day. The reason why it took so much convincing was because Bobby's dad, who had previously been on hospice for quite some time, had taken a turn for the worse and was nearing the end and we just didn't know how much longer he was going to last. What came next was the most powerful and magical two days we've had since the we got married.  Friday morning, I woke up bright and early and sent off the final "yes" email to our caseworker and within a couple of hours, we got the approval to go visit the boys that night so we rushed to pack our things and was on our way to San Antonio to collide with our future.

The drive down there was brutal and as we neared their foster home, we stopped to get dressed so that we could look our best. By the time we drove up to the house our hearts were pounding and we grabbed hands and held onto each other as tight as we could while knocking on the door. Once we got inside it took a minute for our boys to come around the corner but then all the sudden there they were and all we could do was smile and laugh.  The boys face literally lit up and they both came right up to us and gave us hugs and invited us to come sit down with them in the kitchen where they were enjoying some candy that their foster mom had given them.  What was funny was they had no idea that we were even going to be there, all their foster mom told them was that they had visitors coming and it was a surprise.  The boys instantly took to us and the more we talked the more excited they got!  We were hugged, loved on, and told that they knew we'd come for them. Our littlest looked at me and smiled and said, "hey do you remember when we met at that party?!  It was so much fun!" All I could do was smile and nod and tell him of course and I haven't forgotten about him and have always thought about him since that day. They talked A LOT and at one point both of our boys even said out loud, "I wish to be adopted right now!" That right there brought immediate joy to my heart as I thought we'd never hear them speak those words so easily.  We laughed, smiled, got teary eyed, and took pictures. It was above and beyond what we ever thought it could be.  We never expected it to go that well, at all.

When it was time for us to leave for the evening and head to the hotel, we told the boys it was time for us to go but also let them know that we'd be there the next day to spend the day with them. Boy you'd have thought it was Christmas!  Both of them said, "TOMORROW?!  REALLY?!  I want to go somewhere with you guys so bad!!"  So we told them not to worry that we'd pick them up and have some fun. Our littlest stood in the doorway as we went to walk out and he grabbed my legs and gave me the biggest bear hug while looking up at me with a huge smile and beautiful brown eyes.  When our oldest saw that he came over and hugged me too and my husband joined in just in time for my oldest to say, "OKAY GROUP HUG!!" It was so sweet.  As we walked out Bobby and I were high fiving and laughing with tears in our eyes in full on cry mode when we got into the car.  We were in awe.

The next day we got up super early and ordered engraved necklaces online and made plans to visit this petting zoo we thought the kids would enjoy.  About 10:30am we arrived at the foster home just in time to see our youngest coming outside with a giant bag of trash twice his size carrying it to the garbage.  As soon as he saw us he dropped it and immediately ran to the door to get ready, of course we stopped him and let him know that he had time to finish his chores before we left.  Let me tell you I've never seen two kids get ready so fast in my entire life!!  They were buzzing around the house and skipping here and there with one foot in the air putting socks and shoes on and getting their jackets, it was HILARIOUS!  Lol! Once we got them strapped into the car we were on our way.  When we got to the petting zoo they had the time of their lives!  They got to feed goats, pigs, rabbits, turtles, longhorns, miniature horses, miniature cows, chickens, and an emu.  They also each got to take a short ride on a pony and we snapped a ton of pictures.  It was great and though they are active they were surprisingly very easy to keep up with.  When it was time for us to leave our oldest didn't want anything to do with leaving but we let him know that we'd come back again some time so that put him at ease and we left to get pizza, our first meal as a real family. :) The kids were so well behaved and their table manners were really surprisingly great.  I figured we'd have two little table hellions on our hands but that was not the case at all. It was so nice!  As we were walking out the most beautiful thing came out of my oldest sons mouth.  He squinted his little eyes threw his hands up in the air he said, "You know, I just think that when I get adopted and go live with yall, my life is going to be AMAZING! Oh! This has just been the bestest day ever! I am having so much fun!!" Up until that point Bobby and I had held our emotions in to keep from freaking them out but when he said that I broke. Luckily he was walking in front of me and wasn't paying attention because I immediately put my hand over my mouth and started to sob quietly. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  I'm getting emotional thinking about it now. If he only knew how long we have waited to have them...if he only knew.

Before we took the boys home, we stopped by the mall to pick up the necklaces we had made.  The were each identical tags engraved with "A family forever" on one side and "1 Sam 1:27" on the other side with a cross charm on it as well. In the Bible 1 Samuel 1:27 reads, "For this child I have prayed, and the Lord granted me my petition which I have asked of Him." This scripture is so significant to our journey because from the moment we met our boys at the match event, Bobby and I prayed extensively and sought Gods provision for them specifically and as you can see, He granted us what we asked.  It was so neat when we presented them with their gifts, they were both so happy and excited to have them and posed for pictures holding them up while wearing them around their necks.  We explained to them that we got the necklaces so that they could have something to remind themselves that we are a family from now until forever no matter how far apart we are and that nothing was going to stop us from being together eventually.

Around 5pm we finally got them back to the foster home and had to say goodbye. Boy that was hard to do.  The kids hugged us again and asked us when we'd be coming back so we reassured them that it would be very soon. As we drove away and out of San Antonio we felt like we were leaving a piece of ourselves behind.  We instantly missed them and couldn't believe the miracle that had occurred in just 48 short hours.  As of now Bobby and I have vowed to call them and visit as often as we can and can afford to do. We've spoken twice on the phone and each time it seems like it gets harder and harder to let them go. Just tonight our oldest son told us he loved us when he was letting us go and that got to us big time, we just never thought the love for these two little beings would grow so strongly and so quickly. Sure there is some trust to build in the future but with what's taken place in such a short time we're confident that it will happen much sooner than later.

As for a future visit we are planning to drive up and spend Easter weekend with them. This time they will be able to spend the night with us which should be a ton of fun. We are planning to stay in (the hotel), watch movies, and play games and wake up early to attend Easter service with them.  I think their foster family is even having a celebration at their house that we will get to be apart of before we go home. We all are  looking forward to that and the many more visits to come before they come home for good in the summer.  I still don't know how we're going to make it until June but God's carried us this far so I'm sure He will continue to do so. ::sigh::  We will be complete in due time...

Adoption Fundraiser Drawing!!

Well this weekend we'll be in San Antonio reading our boys official files and next Thursday April 3rd will be our Presentation Staffing with CPS making our decision to adopt our boys final.  Once that is completed we'll finally begin our visitations with them.  HALLELUJAH!! So in light of our future comings and goings back and forth to San Antonio visiting the boys until they permanently come home in June, we've began fundraising again in the form of an online "Drawing" containing some pretty cool products. Please consider purchasing an entry into one or more of the drawings to help us out, every little bit helps!!

Please click HERE to go to the drawing page.

The Drawing will be held on 4/18/14 at 12:00am.  Winners will be announced here and via FundRazr and will have exactly 30 days to claim their prize.

We did it!

To those of you who somehow missed it...

!!WE GOT OUR BOYS!!

So much has happened over the past month it's unreal. There were times when I thought we'd never make it yet here we are standing in one piece though it took all of the joy, frustration, heartache, pain, blood, sweat, and tears we could muster up. After the holidays and January flying by without hearing anything I'll admit it, I had become cynical about the whole thing. Knowing that we'd followed the voice of God every step of the way and had done everything in our power to get somewhere with the boys caseworker, seemingly to no avail, I was DONE! Physically, mentally, and emotionally done. My heart ached for them and I struggled daily with thoughts that I couldn't put out of my mind. I thought that I could have done more or that maybe I missed what God was saying, it was awful! But it took one prayer and February, the month of love, to change everything!

On Friday January 24th I attended a Bible Study at my brothers house and one of the topics was learning to try God and trust that He can and will resolve any situation so at the end of the meeting, my brother challenged us to take one struggle in our lives and give it to Christ trusting him to fix it within 30 days.  So that's what I did!  I envisioned holding our adoption journey in both hands and literally throwing it at the feet of Christ and that's where I left it.  I was at the end of my rope, there was nothing left in our power that we could do to make things happen, nothing whatsoever, so why not?! Needless to say by that following Monday everything changed.  We got a new adoption caseworker and the boys caseworker FINALLY after all this time broke her silence and contacted our caseworker. I was SHOCKED!  To make a long story short we were eventually included in their staffing three weeks later (meeting of the minds to determine the best family for the kids) and we received recent pictures of them etc. But it wasn't until last Friday, February 21st (3 days before my 30 day challenge was to end) that we received the news that we were indeed selected to be their family and ironically that news came while I was in yet another Bible study at my brothers house.  Haha!  TGBTG!

So the plan for now is they are waiting until school is out for the summer to transition them home to us which we are fine with.  Not only will it give us time to get the house in order, but it will also give us time to spend our last moments as a couple "without" children. What's funny is that Bobby has always hoped that we'd have a summertime transition to make it easier on everyone so I guess God listened to that too and made it happen.  It's true, He gives us the desires of our heart and I stand in awe of Him daily.  He never ceases to amaze me and He's never let me down.

!!THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO'VE SUPPORTED US EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, YOUR LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS!!

Please keep us in your prayers as we move forward into our future with them.

Hannah

So much

Well it's officially January 1, 2014.  Remembering when we started this journey in Oct./Nov. 2012 I never once thought we'd be beginning 2014 still without our children but here we are. Just last night I was telling Bobby that I didn't know how on earth we made it this long not having them, it's been a tough ride.  I'll admit, the holidays were really rough and the anxiety was insurmountable.  I simply couldn't shake the feeling that my children were spending yet another holiday season in foster care.  I struggled daily to find things to be thankful for around Thanksgiving and all of Christmas was pretty much a blur. I felt like I was on autopilot just existing and doing what I thought I had to do for the time being. I purposely stayed away from friends and kept to myself for the sake of not wanting to dump my emotional mess on them. In my mind doing that wouldn't be fair, especially since I can't expect them to empathize with me during this unique stage in our lives. I'm am blessed though because Bobby was supportive every step of the way trying to uplift me the best he knew how regardless of the fact that he too felt the gravity of the situation in his own way.  One really good thing that kept us busy during that time was planning and participating in our church missions which catered to orphans during Christmas.  Bobby played Santa Clause at a Milk and Cookies party we threw for the children at the Texas Pythian Home and then on Christmas Eve we took dinner and music to the teens at an Emergency Youth Shelter here in Ft. Worth and served them.  These two things were a real blessing to me and bringing joy to otherwise hurting children helped to take my mind off of myself and how I felt.  Serving others was a welcomed break. 

Aside from not having our children for the holidays, much of what I was so anxious about was the fact that we were chosen as the #1 family for two boys in San Antonio and their file was due to arrive any day to which it did exactly a week before Christmas.  Though that sounds like a great thing, and it is to an extent, Bob and I were concerned because we had been waiting to hear something on another set of siblings that we fell head over heels for back in October at a match event.  Receiving the file so quickly for the other two boys meant that we'd have a very small time frame to read it and make a final decision (7 days at first but our Cw graciously extended it). To put it plainly, we felt we weren't prepared to make such a decision without knowing anything about the others we'd waited so long to hear about. Regardless of the situation, I drudged on and read all but maybe 300 pages of just about a 3000 page file before we made a decision together. Reading through the file was pretty eye opening and the majority of their file seemed pretty legit and forthcoming.  At first nothing stood out as too much of a concern as to why we shouldn't adopt them but when I got to their present day information (file went from 2006 to 2013) what I read helped us make a clearer decision and we decided not to pursue these boys any further.  It wasn't any one thing that was super significant but rather a behavior pattern that I started to see when I put everything together.  The older child had a particular behavior at every home and continued to have it despite receiving intense therapy twice weekly and behavioral interventions while in the therapeutic home they are presently living at for the last two years so we knew there was nothing we could do to help further, especially as new parents. With this being the first time for us to make such a tough decision, Bobby and I were surprised that we had so much peace about it and that only further confirmed and cemented the fact that we had made the right decision. 

So as for now we are still patiently waiting for God to move and bring our children home.  I don't know exactly when it will be or how long it will take but we are committed to doing whatever it takes to get there, even if that means more waiting. I've finally come to the realization that I don't want to look back on this time and remember how agonizing the waiting process was but instead look back and remember having joy.  As for 2014, I wouldn't call it a resolution but I would like to enlarge my personal boarder to include helping not just the orphan, but others who are lost and hurting.  I don't want to be afraid of getting my hands dirty for a particular cause if it means bringing someone joy and/or standing up in the face of adversity. I don't want to spend another minute feeling selfishly anxious about my own situation but begin to pour myself into helping others. Doing so would only bring me closer to God and that's all I truly long for at the moment. One thing the Lord has done personally for me through this entire process is spark a compassion of a greater magnitude in my heart for others that I really never had before.  I can look at others now and actually SEE them and their value as a human being aside from their physical/financial/moral/religious status. It's become easier to listen to someone speak and hear their heart over the nonsense and that helps me to avoid self-righteously judging them.  For that I am grateful. 

To our friends out there, don't be offended if we keep to ourselves in the hard moments, this journey can be rough and sometimes we just need to take a time out. We promise we still love everyone the same.  Thank you so much for your continued support and love and please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue on.


Hannah