Praise Report

Some of y'all know about the struggles we have had with our oldest son Noah, but to briefly fill you in, he was hospitalized four times last year due to extremely destructive and violent tantrums/behavior; the last time being at the end of December when he got physically violent with me and was almost arrested.

With that being said, when he got out in January, my husband and I made a few small changes in how we dealt with him and his behavior, mostly just taking the bulk of the disciplinary responsibilities off of me and giving more to Bob. This has really helped for Noah to see that Bob and I are a united front and that he must show me the same respect that he shows his dad, which was not happening at all before. In addition to that, we let him know after this specific incident that our intentions were to admit him to the state hospital in Wichita Falls for thirty days if he kept escalating, and if that didn't work, we would seek to place him in a residential treatment facility when the time came. From there, if he still didn't improve, we would have him placed in an outpatient respite program where he would live, attend school, and receive therapy five days a week and come home only on the weekends. We made sure to explain that being admitted to any of those places didn't change the fact that he was still our son, and going there was 100% dependent on his actions going forward. We made it clear that it wasn't something we were going to do TO him, but that he was making the choice to go if he kept escalating. We've known for a long time that his choices have been his biggest issue. My son does have emotional struggles from past trauma, but he is not mentally ill and has full control over the choice to escalate at any point. We've seen him numerous times control his temper when it suits him better, as well as choose to escalate in the same manner. For those of you who think our tentative plans seem harsh, you have to understand that making decisions like this is not at all what we desire to do, and it really hurts to carry the burden of that possibility, but he had become a danger to himself and the rest of us. We have had ongoing behavioral problems from him weekly but the kicker has always been the enormous blow ups he has, like clockwork, every other month since he got here in mid 2014.  

After he got home, because he had gotten physically violent with me, he was grounded solely to reading books with no end until we saw a significant changes in his behavior. Coming off of being grounded was to be a process in which he would earn only one thing/activity back at a time to keep him on the right track as time goes on. It was at the end of the last school year that we started grounding the boys to books because we saw that nothing else but boredom compelled them to want to do better, and trust me, we tried so many other tactics before resolving to that one.  Plus, Noah was behind in reading so I was hoping that as much time as he spent being grounded, in the very least, he might become a better reader. I figured if that happened, it would be somewhat of a consolation prize if grounding him didn't help either.  Haha!  So here's where the praise report comes in, which is actually a double praise report.  At the beginning of fifth grade, Noah was reading at a third grade level, however, at his ARD meeting this past Thursday, I was informed that he is now reading at his current grade level!! Woot woot!! I told his teachers about my "groundation plan" and they all laughed and one even said, "Well it sure worked out for him!" He even passed the reading portion of the STAAR test and greatly exceeded his previous scores. Also, there is a reading program at school where they can earn a coupon for a free Braums ice-cream cone for every six chapter books they read as long as they pass a quiz for each one proving they read it.  Guess how many my kiddo has saved up to date?  I think we counted eight coupons so far, which is forty-eight books since the beginning of the school year. I think he has read more books than I have read in my entire life. Haha! We are so incredibly proud. 

Now I said there was a second part to this praise report so here it is.  Since he got home in January from his last hospital stay, we have had zero, let me repeat that, Z-E-R-O, ZIP, NIL, NADA, NOT EVEN ONE single tantrum or blowup.  Sure he's had his smart mouth tween moments, like every other kid his age, but that is it. I'll be honest, I've been wanting to but was reluctant to shout this from the rooftops or blog about it lately but didn't in fear of speaking too soon. Yet after what happened today, I have every bit of confidence that we are on a very positive road with him.  This afternoon, he and Asher were playing outside and Noah came inside, seemingly in that mode to where we can tell by the look on his face and his body language that he is about to blow, so I separated them and sent Noah to his room and Asher to watch TV in another room. I was really nervous and had somewhat of mild anxiety attack sitting and waiting for the shoe to drop, but when Bob went into his room to check to see if he was going to be able to get past it without having a major meltdown, he simply said, "Dad, I told you a while back that I wasn't going to do that anymore, and I meant it."  And that was the end of it.  He shaped up, even apologized to Asher for being ugly to him while playing outside and moved on.  CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE THAT?? I am ecstatic!  April 28th will be exactly four months since he has had a major incident. Not to mention, the relationship between he and I has remarkably improved.  It took me about a month to warm back up to him after what happened in January, but since then, seeing him try so hard to be respectful and make better choices has made life a lot easier around here. He's an amazing kid and I can't wait to see what else is in store for him as he is improving.  :) Bob and I are not experts at this, far from it actually, but we will never cease at trying to find whatever it is that works. Parenting alone is tough without the trauma, but if Bob and I can do this, not having any personal parenting experience whatsoever in the beginning, anyone else can, too. Here's to rejoicing with each others progress, both small and great, because it all counts with our special children.

PS: And just so you know he has earned some things back, but in the midst of being grounded, he has grown to really love reading and now chooses to read a lot of the time, even still.  I've also noticed that his new love for reading has really helped him to center his attention and think about each word, one at a time, which is very calming.

A Good Mom

I am a good Mom!

Trust me, I know we get secretly judged (and sometimes not so secretly) by those that think we're too hard on our boys and going about this parenting thing all wrong. In all honesty, you may be right sometimes, but the fact of the matter is, we stepped in when others stepped out, and that alone makes up for all that. At least we're trying! We have some hard times. And by hard I mean DARK--in every sense of the word. Things so difficult, you there, sitting there in your pajamas drinking your coffee with your wee little's happily frolicking around on this fine morning, would be curled up in in a fetal position on the floor, crying and begging to stop the madness.  How do I know?! Because that was me in the beginning (minus the wee little's), before I grew a pair and saddled up for the long haul in the face of constant adversity with these two. We were not prepared for the hurricane that is Asher and Noah, but quitting was not an option.  

"Oh but you have to hug and kiss them and love on them every day. That's what they need!" 

 Sounds legit, right? WRONG! DEAD WRONG! What would you do with a child that says he wants a hug, but when you try, goes rigid and behaves as if he wants as far away from you as possible?!  I'm lucky if I get a hug on a good day, but any stranger in town can get as many hugs as they want. (Pshhh) Try kissing a kid who's dodging you on purpose.  I'm happy if Noah actually wants to have a conversation with me without behaving like a three year old to get out of speaking to me for more than a minute or two. How would you react if you said, "I love you" to them and got an "Okay" or "Thanks" in return? How about doing something really nice for them and having to ask for a thank you from two kids who've never had anything before coming here? You'd figure they'd be extremely appreciative and excited, but instead you get forced appreciation, eye rolls, and behaviors that include screaming and yelling "You never give me anything!" (yes that actually happened) Why? Because if they show any amount of genuine appreciation for anything we, their parents, give/do for them, that must mean we have control over their emotions and giving any amount of control away is not an option.  My point is, Love is not enough--listen to me now, it's NOT enough. I cannot heal my children's trauma with love alone. I cannot make them behave appropriately by always hugging, kissing, petting and sweet talking them. How can you give a child enough love, who is terrified love in the first place?! Yep, that's right, I said TERRIFIED OF LOVE.  Just let that sink in a minute. I wondered why God would choose these tough kiddos for me in the beginning, and though I still don't know the answer, I can see now how he's using the experience with my sons, to work out something greater in me. Because in the very least, being their mom, requires ALL the fruits of the spirit, most of which, I do not have yet. "Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..." Galations 5:22 So far I think out of all of these, longsuffering is the only one I really have down, and even that's questionable at times. ;) Hahaha!

But we do have good times, lots and lots of good times. They may not look anything like yours, but they're good indeed. Because of us, Noah is no longer in a self contained behavior class at school and got awards for being the most helpful in class. AND he no longer acts as if he's 'cuckoo bird' on a daily basis! (He was really convincing at first, too) Because of us, Asher is off of all medication, and is about to be tested for the gifted and talented program at school. Sometimes I take a break from being a mean mom to stay up half the night making costumes for my kids school programs. When Bob isn't being a drill sergeant dad, he's bringing home treats and shopping on his lunch break for things he knows the boys like. We have inside jokes, we laugh together, we see movies, we enjoy each others company, and so much more! You may read my laments and get annoyed, but you don't see me scouring the internet for help, for summer camps, for answers, for ways to parent my boys better, for information about attachment disorders, for other parents in similar situation that I can relate to (because there aren't many of us out there). I am not a mother in the traditional sense, but I am still a mother, and a damn good one at that. And we are a real family!

You may be looking at my posts and rolling your eyes, thinking "Oh great, here comes more negativity..." and if you are, this blog isn't for you and I have no apology to offer. Being judged by others when you already feel defeated and low, is not a fun place to be. This is for parents who are reading this thinking, "She understands! She gets it!" I may be the only one some have seen actually telling it like it is. Some folks are just barely finding out that adoption isn't always rainbows and unicorns, and the movie Annie was FICTION!!  If by sharing our gritty love story I can help just one parent feel as if they're not as alone and isolated as we felt, then I've successfully done what I set out to do. Keep in mind, social media isn't real life, it's only a "highlight reel" to quote another blogger. I am 100% okay with the fact that my highlight reel is a place where happiness meets messiness, because that's the spice of life. So with all this being said, I can sit here and have the satisfaction of knowing that regardless of what others think of me, MY CHILDREN, the ones I am doing all of this for, think I am pretty, kind, and above all, A GOOD MOM.

Unbreakable

One of the most frustrating, yet security promoting, things a parent can do for their their child, is to nail it in that their spouse comes before all others.

I remember being a teenager, mad at my mom for some dumb reason, having the audacity to complain to my dad about her, and he ALWAYS took her side and refused to let my disrespect govern his feelings for her. He made it clear that whether she was wrong or right, was none of my business, and he flat out refused to discuss it with me during those times. Over and over throughout my childhood, they stood together, countless times, as a united front. Boy it would piss me off when it was against me, but it sent a strong message that they were unbreakable, and blood or not, some punk kid with an attitude wasn't a match against the rock that their marriage was. I would eventually get over whatever it was, but the message they sent, though harsh, soothed my soul during other rough times. Sure we were a family unit, and we all stood by and protected eachother on any given day, but us kids knew that come hell or high water, our parents weren't going to be separated. Their example is what I also wanted in a marriage for myself.  They aren't perfect by any means, but they are completely committed to eachother. They're still married to this day-- it'll be 41 years in September.

Tonight I got to see that very scene play out in my home with my husband and son. There stood Noah, fresh out of the hospital for behavior so disrespectful toward me last week, that he was almost sent to juvenile hall, cowardly facing my husband, whom he hadn't seen since the day before the incident. You see, Noah can seem like a regular kid when it suits him, but deep down he has a disdain for all women and he doesn't mind throwing is weight around against one if he feels the need. Afterall, his own 'mother' gave him up, so why should he respect me?  I'm no better than her in his eyes right now.

But prior to last week's incident, his relationship with Bob had been top notch. He treated him with the upmost respect, loved doing all sorts of things with/for his dad, absorbed all of his attention, gave him hugs/kisses, all the while purposely snubbing me daily with that deep anger in such subtle ways that even Bob missed it most of the time. This behavior is called triangulation and is common for kids with attachment issues to use, and boy they're good at it! For example, he'd sit on the same side as Bob out at dinner and smile/converse with him while simultaneously shooting me hateful glares and making underhanded remarks etc. Then when I would correct what I saw, Bob was confused and clueless as to what I was referring to because Noah is that good at hiding his behavior in plain sight. I'd tell him over and over what he was doing and sometimes he would catch and correct it, but a lot of it would fly right past him. But at this point, Noah had been getting away with this behavior and more toward me for quite some time and it was really wearing me down. Because he has so little respect for anything I said to him, my corrections were futile and fell on deaf ears. He'd say, "yes ma'am" and then go right back to doing the same thing. In all honesty, there have been times that I felt helpless, because I wanted so badly for Bob to step up and put an end to it, yet how could he truly do that if he couldn't see what I saw when he wasn't looking or worse, when he was at work? He believed what I said was happening, but because he missed so much of it, he didn't see that it was getting worse.

However, with all that being said, the poor child had no idea what he was up against doing what he did last week. Had he not finally gotten so out of hand with me and crossed a major line, Bob probably wouldn't have ever known just how truly hateful he was towards me, and Noah would have just kept getting away with it. Noah didn't have a clue that his behavior last week would show his true colors so profoundly that it would strike a cord in Bobby, his child mind couldn't even fathom. All he had seen in his eleven short years on this earth is that families don't last forever and that his behavior has the power to cause enough turmoil to mess everything up. In his mind, he might as well ruin this whole 'scary family thing' and get it over with so he can prove to himself once again that we're not trustworthy, just like everyone else. However, instead of all that happening, we were still the forever family that picked him up from the hospital despite his ugliness towards me, not the caseworker he probably expected after this last stunt he pulled. I know he thought deep down inside that he had finally ruined everything for good. That alone got him to the core. When we got home, and as soon as we walked in the door, my husband stood there in all his glory and made Noah face him and look him in the eye, and with the authority of an amazing husband and father, just like my dad did to me, Bob made it crystal clear that he wasn't going to disrespect his wife and best friend anymore, and that there wasn't anything he could do to separate us at any given time. After all, it was God who put us together in the first place. I know hearing those words and seeing how serious Bob was, stung Noah the same way they stung me as a kid, but I also know that his soul got the message and he will gain a security he's never had before because of this moment. Until tonight, Noah probably had no real idea what the role of a true committed husband looked like, but he sure does now. And he now has a picture of the husband he can aspire to be like, when he's grown.  I'm so proud of Bob, not only for defending and protecting me, but for proving to Noah that our family began with he and I first and foremost, and we are unbreakable. 

Please keep our family in your prayers, we need all the divine help we can get.

Lego progress

To you, this is just a photo of my kids playing with Lego's, but what I see is great progress! There was a time, in the not so distant past, when we had to remove all of the Lego's because they caused Noah to have such destructive behavior, and if Asher came anywhere near them, he would throw fits and scream like a 2yo, bully, and talk down to Asher over them. Then anytime Asher wanted to annoy Noah, he would grab something Noah built with them and pull it apart or step on it, just to start a fight. When I finally began to try to trust them with the Lego's again, I only allowed them to play separately here and there, leading up to finally allowing them to try playing together. I use to think they'd never get past behaving that way and considered selling their collection all together, but now I'm glad I didn't, because I get to witness the progress they've made! So far they've been playing for 1.5hrs today without any problems. :D <3

Love and Asher

"Hi mom, I missed you! Can we hang out? Mama I wanna spend time with you. I wanna lay on the couch with you and sing together like we did that one time. And then we played 'this little piggy went to market'. Please mom, can we please?" ~Asher

Music to my ears, and the greatest gift I've ever received. It's hard to believe that last year, this same kid would say the most hurtful things, things a mom should never hear, all in the name of fighting attachment. I was told that I tricked him and lied to him about me being a good mom, I was the worst mom ever, that he hated me, he would never love me, that I didn't love him, and that he didn't want to live here--he wanted to be back in foster care, even if it meant not being with his brother anymore. Then one day he took it a step further and told me he wanted my sister to be his mom, instead. That one REALLY hurt. He'd find the things I enjoyed the most and would break them or throw them away. He even spit on me, too. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't make an effort to do or say something to me personally, and that's not taking into account all the things he did around others and at school. O_o

As for myself, I fought the attachment some, too! I went from being a mom to none to being a mom of two rambunctious boys, with more anger in their little finger than I could muster up in a day, so I was literally in shock. All excuses aside, it's just simply against human nature to want to attach to something so rough and mean. One can only take so much before they shrink and curl up like an armadillo to protect themselves from further damage. But the truth about life with Asher today is that it's much better than it was. And though there are days that I still have a hard time wanting to find ways to connect, they're fewer and further between. The stubborn love I had for him at first that that roared, "I refuse to give up on you no matter what you do to me..." rawly out of rejection, has been replaced by a true mothers love that has grown wildly in my heart. It really took me holding firm to the belief that this is the path God chose for me, and if he didn't think I could do this, he wouldn't have brought me to it. I was knocked down so many times by this little one (though I'm sure there's more to come), but I always found the courage to keep getting back up. On the worst days, I know that I was given a double portion of grace to get through, minute by minute, or else I couldn't have done it.

This boy protected the pieces of his little broken heart so valiantly, with nerve, a sharp tongue, and with the armor of a genuine warrior. But his armor was no match for love. He didnt know that true love NEVER fails. It covers a multitude of sins and crosses every boundary. Yes my love was stubborn and relentless at first but it was still love, and that's all God needed to plant a seed into Asher's heart. And what a blessing it is to see his love for me flourish as wild as the love I have for him. It is truly a miracle.

God has a sense of humor

So today I was out for the better part of the day doing some Christmas shopping. On the way to the next store, while driving, I started thinking about all of the behaviors and progress we have endured so far with Noah, and suddenly my mind got lost in thought about it all. There I am, going down I-30, almost reliving one of Noah's worst breakdowns. I vividly recalled the screaming, the growling, the crying, the crazy talk, his kicking, hitting, head butting, throwing things etc., that particular one lasted over an hour. Sheesh! I wondered if I'd ever get to the place to where I could endure one of his meltdowns without getting cottonmouth, trembling, and feeling totally helpless. My stress level during those times is through the roof because, let's face it, I'm emotionally invested in the kid and there's no way I can just stop it. Then I started thinking about the progress and how far he's come. I wondered if he'd ever just stop lashing out so bad. If one day he'd settle in and embrace being a son, having parents, and being apart of a family without fighting it so hard. He's doing so good in so many other areas in his life, at this point, we're literally dumbfounded that he's still exploding like this. Then my mind drifted to the Lord and how faithful He's been in our walk with this special kid of ours. How He had enough grace to give me dreams about Noah before he came here. How the Lord told me His plans for Noah and how glorious his future would be. How God taught me to look at Noah as he is 'faith walking' because frankly, the mess we had before our eyes left little to the imagination as to what would become of him if he remained in the condition he was in, and it would take believing without seeing to encourage us in our walk with him. So again, I'm sitting in my car driving down the road thinking all of this when I hear a faint familiar song playing on the radio and had to turn it up. It was Livin' On a Prayer from Bon Jovi and suddenly, it was like God was singing it to me at that very moment, encouraging my heart with each lyric--

"Whoa, we're half way there
Whoa, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear. Whoa, livin' on a prayer!"

And then this part

"We've gotta hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got!"

I mean when it clicked in my head what was going on, I was immediately encouraged and I turned it up and rocked out with joy in my heart. I'm sure the other drivers on the road were freaked out at or laughing, one. I know I would be. Lol! But anyhow, I do not think that song playing was a coincidence, at all. God loves me and He meant for me to hear that song at that very moment. Then when the song was over, I laughed and looked up to the sky like, "Mmhm, I see what you did ther, Lord." Lol! Sometimes I feel like a car running on empty dealing with these kids, and especially during times like that, but today God's love and sense of humor filled me up and renewed my faith in what we're doing here.  I'm never alone, He's always with me. Be it during the meltdowns when I feel alone and helpless, or in a car by myself going down I-30, He's always with me.

And He's with YOU, too! ;)

Seeds of change

I think it's pretty telling of his capable thought process that Noah would tell Bob randomly at drop off this morning, "Dad, I feel like I need to be nicer to mom." All those shit fits he throws for me and the amount of disrespect I get daily, my job being his mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I guess I could have done like the majority of his foster moms before and write him/his behavior off like he's 'out of his mind,' 'he's not normal,' or that he's 'incapable of behaving well,' and cart him off to the mental health Gods like a sacrifical lamb for fixing, but I refused. Of course we still have a psychiatrist who oversees the meds he came here on, but my faith is not in anything they can do for him. Honestly, it's really been a useless feat when it comes to that considering my child has been in therapy since three years of age, has been hospitalized, on an upwards of nine medicines for his behavior at one time in foster care, actually behaving worse than he does now! But fortunately for him, I figured out the first month he was home that this 'crazy' 'psychotic' behavior was was all a facade and thankfully, God did not create me to give up and/or accept the fate that my kid was beyond help. I am a fixer, an explorer of options, and bona-fide hard ass at that. I call bullshit when I see it and that is the majority of what Bob and I have had to deal with when it comes to Noah.

But before some of you get all Karyn Purvis on me, was my child traumatized? Yes, and I know about fear and what it can do, and my child does not respond to any of the techniques she's written about, aside from redos.  Moving on- Is my child emotionally stunted? Yes. Does my child have a diagnosis? Yes. Is my child mentally retarded? NO. Despite his trauma, the fear, multiple diagnoses, and emotional immaturity, can he learn how to treat people fairly and behave well in multiple situations without medicine? YES!! But it takes consistency, lots of support (for us no doubt) and the refusal to give up. Is it easier to accomplish this without medicine? HECK NO! As matter of fact, we have him down to only one medicine now, and he's doing the same if not better than he did on the four he came home on. But regardless of that, this blog isn't about medicine, mental health, or parenting techniques. It's about love-- the TOUGH 'in your face, I refuse to give up and be like the rest of those other moms before me who failed you' LOVE. LOVE!! I'm sitting here on the verge of tears typing this because most of you reading this probably won't comprehend the depth of what that means and I have no other words to describe it. Especially, if you've never had to care for a child this involved who's in pieces. Jesus loved this way, he loved us so much he was willing to do so unto death. Am I worthy to be compared to Jesus? Certainly not! But through adversity with my kid, I now get the magnitude of what his love did for us and I am thankful. He saw us, he loved us, he knew we could do/be better, so he made help available. Christ did not bow to the enemy, Christ did not believe the lies he told. Christ loved, but he did not do so weakly, he did it with nerve and passion and against all odds! He trampled the enemy in his tracks and conquered death and hell so that we could live victorious! My child is not the enemy here, but the tools he uses to cope with his hurt came from the enemy and that will stop in our home. As his parent, I have to be like Christ, I cannot and will not lay down and let my child continue to stay in this destructive behavioral mess he's in, because that is to no benefit of him and I care too much. Jesus says, I love you, I see your heart, you have potential, here's the mess, now let me help you clean it up and that's how I have to be. I can't do anything to heal his trauma, Jesus did that alread, but I will guide him to success as long as God let's me. My love for Noah may not look like love in the traditional sense, but that's only because God called me to love him in a deeper way. As soon as I figured that out, the guilt I had about not being able to love him in a 'normal' mother/son way, became invalid. Sure I mess up and make mistakes, we all do as parents. It's trial and error most days, but I remain steadfast in knowing that though he came into my home a hurt boy, by the grace of God, he will leave my home a healed man. And today, the words, "Dad, I feel like I need to be nicer to mom..." is a testament that we are on the right track, because the seed of growth and change is already planted.

Ps: I know I said some strong words about mental health etc., but please understand that was not an attack on the profession. They do some amazing things and I am grateful for their diligence in trying to find answers. This is just my personal point of view about my own child.