Love and Asher

"Hi mom, I missed you! Can we hang out? Mama I wanna spend time with you. I wanna lay on the couch with you and sing together like we did that one time. And then we played 'this little piggy went to market'. Please mom, can we please?" ~Asher

Music to my ears, and the greatest gift I've ever received. It's hard to believe that last year, this same kid would say the most hurtful things, things a mom should never hear, all in the name of fighting attachment. I was told that I tricked him and lied to him about me being a good mom, I was the worst mom ever, that he hated me, he would never love me, that I didn't love him, and that he didn't want to live here--he wanted to be back in foster care, even if it meant not being with his brother anymore. Then one day he took it a step further and told me he wanted my sister to be his mom, instead. That one REALLY hurt. He'd find the things I enjoyed the most and would break them or throw them away. He even spit on me, too. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't make an effort to do or say something to me personally, and that's not taking into account all the things he did around others and at school. O_o

As for myself, I fought the attachment some, too! I went from being a mom to none to being a mom of two rambunctious boys, with more anger in their little finger than I could muster up in a day, so I was literally in shock. All excuses aside, it's just simply against human nature to want to attach to something so rough and mean. One can only take so much before they shrink and curl up like an armadillo to protect themselves from further damage. But the truth about life with Asher today is that it's much better than it was. And though there are days that I still have a hard time wanting to find ways to connect, they're fewer and further between. The stubborn love I had for him at first that that roared, "I refuse to give up on you no matter what you do to me..." rawly out of rejection, has been replaced by a true mothers love that has grown wildly in my heart. It really took me holding firm to the belief that this is the path God chose for me, and if he didn't think I could do this, he wouldn't have brought me to it. I was knocked down so many times by this little one (though I'm sure there's more to come), but I always found the courage to keep getting back up. On the worst days, I know that I was given a double portion of grace to get through, minute by minute, or else I couldn't have done it.

This boy protected the pieces of his little broken heart so valiantly, with nerve, a sharp tongue, and with the armor of a genuine warrior. But his armor was no match for love. He didnt know that true love NEVER fails. It covers a multitude of sins and crosses every boundary. Yes my love was stubborn and relentless at first but it was still love, and that's all God needed to plant a seed into Asher's heart. And what a blessing it is to see his love for me flourish as wild as the love I have for him. It is truly a miracle.