Love and Asher

"Hi mom, I missed you! Can we hang out? Mama I wanna spend time with you. I wanna lay on the couch with you and sing together like we did that one time. And then we played 'this little piggy went to market'. Please mom, can we please?" ~Asher

Music to my ears, and the greatest gift I've ever received. It's hard to believe that last year, this same kid would say the most hurtful things, things a mom should never hear, all in the name of fighting attachment. I was told that I tricked him and lied to him about me being a good mom, I was the worst mom ever, that he hated me, he would never love me, that I didn't love him, and that he didn't want to live here--he wanted to be back in foster care, even if it meant not being with his brother anymore. Then one day he took it a step further and told me he wanted my sister to be his mom, instead. That one REALLY hurt. He'd find the things I enjoyed the most and would break them or throw them away. He even spit on me, too. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't make an effort to do or say something to me personally, and that's not taking into account all the things he did around others and at school. O_o

As for myself, I fought the attachment some, too! I went from being a mom to none to being a mom of two rambunctious boys, with more anger in their little finger than I could muster up in a day, so I was literally in shock. All excuses aside, it's just simply against human nature to want to attach to something so rough and mean. One can only take so much before they shrink and curl up like an armadillo to protect themselves from further damage. But the truth about life with Asher today is that it's much better than it was. And though there are days that I still have a hard time wanting to find ways to connect, they're fewer and further between. The stubborn love I had for him at first that that roared, "I refuse to give up on you no matter what you do to me..." rawly out of rejection, has been replaced by a true mothers love that has grown wildly in my heart. It really took me holding firm to the belief that this is the path God chose for me, and if he didn't think I could do this, he wouldn't have brought me to it. I was knocked down so many times by this little one (though I'm sure there's more to come), but I always found the courage to keep getting back up. On the worst days, I know that I was given a double portion of grace to get through, minute by minute, or else I couldn't have done it.

This boy protected the pieces of his little broken heart so valiantly, with nerve, a sharp tongue, and with the armor of a genuine warrior. But his armor was no match for love. He didnt know that true love NEVER fails. It covers a multitude of sins and crosses every boundary. Yes my love was stubborn and relentless at first but it was still love, and that's all God needed to plant a seed into Asher's heart. And what a blessing it is to see his love for me flourish as wild as the love I have for him. It is truly a miracle.

God has a sense of humor

So today I was out for the better part of the day doing some Christmas shopping. On the way to the next store, while driving, I started thinking about all of the behaviors and progress we have endured so far with Noah, and suddenly my mind got lost in thought about it all. There I am, going down I-30, almost reliving one of Noah's worst breakdowns. I vividly recalled the screaming, the growling, the crying, the crazy talk, his kicking, hitting, head butting, throwing things etc., that particular one lasted over an hour. Sheesh! I wondered if I'd ever get to the place to where I could endure one of his meltdowns without getting cottonmouth, trembling, and feeling totally helpless. My stress level during those times is through the roof because, let's face it, I'm emotionally invested in the kid and there's no way I can just stop it. Then I started thinking about the progress and how far he's come. I wondered if he'd ever just stop lashing out so bad. If one day he'd settle in and embrace being a son, having parents, and being apart of a family without fighting it so hard. He's doing so good in so many other areas in his life, at this point, we're literally dumbfounded that he's still exploding like this. Then my mind drifted to the Lord and how faithful He's been in our walk with this special kid of ours. How He had enough grace to give me dreams about Noah before he came here. How the Lord told me His plans for Noah and how glorious his future would be. How God taught me to look at Noah as he is 'faith walking' because frankly, the mess we had before our eyes left little to the imagination as to what would become of him if he remained in the condition he was in, and it would take believing without seeing to encourage us in our walk with him. So again, I'm sitting in my car driving down the road thinking all of this when I hear a faint familiar song playing on the radio and had to turn it up. It was Livin' On a Prayer from Bon Jovi and suddenly, it was like God was singing it to me at that very moment, encouraging my heart with each lyric--

"Whoa, we're half way there
Whoa, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear. Whoa, livin' on a prayer!"

And then this part

"We've gotta hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got!"

I mean when it clicked in my head what was going on, I was immediately encouraged and I turned it up and rocked out with joy in my heart. I'm sure the other drivers on the road were freaked out at or laughing, one. I know I would be. Lol! But anyhow, I do not think that song playing was a coincidence, at all. God loves me and He meant for me to hear that song at that very moment. Then when the song was over, I laughed and looked up to the sky like, "Mmhm, I see what you did ther, Lord." Lol! Sometimes I feel like a car running on empty dealing with these kids, and especially during times like that, but today God's love and sense of humor filled me up and renewed my faith in what we're doing here.  I'm never alone, He's always with me. Be it during the meltdowns when I feel alone and helpless, or in a car by myself going down I-30, He's always with me.

And He's with YOU, too! ;)

Seeds of change

I think it's pretty telling of his capable thought process that Noah would tell Bob randomly at drop off this morning, "Dad, I feel like I need to be nicer to mom." All those shit fits he throws for me and the amount of disrespect I get daily, my job being his mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I guess I could have done like the majority of his foster moms before and write him/his behavior off like he's 'out of his mind,' 'he's not normal,' or that he's 'incapable of behaving well,' and cart him off to the mental health Gods like a sacrifical lamb for fixing, but I refused. Of course we still have a psychiatrist who oversees the meds he came here on, but my faith is not in anything they can do for him. Honestly, it's really been a useless feat when it comes to that considering my child has been in therapy since three years of age, has been hospitalized, on an upwards of nine medicines for his behavior at one time in foster care, actually behaving worse than he does now! But fortunately for him, I figured out the first month he was home that this 'crazy' 'psychotic' behavior was was all a facade and thankfully, God did not create me to give up and/or accept the fate that my kid was beyond help. I am a fixer, an explorer of options, and bona-fide hard ass at that. I call bullshit when I see it and that is the majority of what Bob and I have had to deal with when it comes to Noah.

But before some of you get all Karyn Purvis on me, was my child traumatized? Yes, and I know about fear and what it can do, and my child does not respond to any of the techniques she's written about, aside from redos.  Moving on- Is my child emotionally stunted? Yes. Does my child have a diagnosis? Yes. Is my child mentally retarded? NO. Despite his trauma, the fear, multiple diagnoses, and emotional immaturity, can he learn how to treat people fairly and behave well in multiple situations without medicine? YES!! But it takes consistency, lots of support (for us no doubt) and the refusal to give up. Is it easier to accomplish this without medicine? HECK NO! As matter of fact, we have him down to only one medicine now, and he's doing the same if not better than he did on the four he came home on. But regardless of that, this blog isn't about medicine, mental health, or parenting techniques. It's about love-- the TOUGH 'in your face, I refuse to give up and be like the rest of those other moms before me who failed you' LOVE. LOVE!! I'm sitting here on the verge of tears typing this because most of you reading this probably won't comprehend the depth of what that means and I have no other words to describe it. Especially, if you've never had to care for a child this involved who's in pieces. Jesus loved this way, he loved us so much he was willing to do so unto death. Am I worthy to be compared to Jesus? Certainly not! But through adversity with my kid, I now get the magnitude of what his love did for us and I am thankful. He saw us, he loved us, he knew we could do/be better, so he made help available. Christ did not bow to the enemy, Christ did not believe the lies he told. Christ loved, but he did not do so weakly, he did it with nerve and passion and against all odds! He trampled the enemy in his tracks and conquered death and hell so that we could live victorious! My child is not the enemy here, but the tools he uses to cope with his hurt came from the enemy and that will stop in our home. As his parent, I have to be like Christ, I cannot and will not lay down and let my child continue to stay in this destructive behavioral mess he's in, because that is to no benefit of him and I care too much. Jesus says, I love you, I see your heart, you have potential, here's the mess, now let me help you clean it up and that's how I have to be. I can't do anything to heal his trauma, Jesus did that alread, but I will guide him to success as long as God let's me. My love for Noah may not look like love in the traditional sense, but that's only because God called me to love him in a deeper way. As soon as I figured that out, the guilt I had about not being able to love him in a 'normal' mother/son way, became invalid. Sure I mess up and make mistakes, we all do as parents. It's trial and error most days, but I remain steadfast in knowing that though he came into my home a hurt boy, by the grace of God, he will leave my home a healed man. And today, the words, "Dad, I feel like I need to be nicer to mom..." is a testament that we are on the right track, because the seed of growth and change is already planted.

Ps: I know I said some strong words about mental health etc., but please understand that was not an attack on the profession. They do some amazing things and I am grateful for their diligence in trying to find answers. This is just my personal point of view about my own child.

24/7

Mothering the broken never stops. 

Sometimes all you want is a quiet, uninterrupted meal. Hello drama, my old friend. 

Sometimes the nap you need is interrupted by stomping and clapping because they will not be ignored. Or damn the fact that dad says, "Be quiet and let her sleep..." now they have to see how much noise they can cause to stir the pot.

Sometimes all you need is a little assistant to help with fixing things. "Here, hold these screws and don't drop them..." turns into a game of lost and found, on purpose.

"Have a good day at school" turns into, "Mom, you'll probably get an email..."

Sometimes you want nothing more for them to play nicely without any trouble. But you get a knot on the 

head, discipline, and a tantrum instead.

Homework shouldn't be this hard, but you're mom so 'I'm going to make it harder on you than I do on the teacher'.

The gum smeared on your car was deliberate...

so was the urine...

as was the toy shoved down your shower drain....

so was the lost vacuum wand...

as was the broken picture frame and countless other broken/destroyed/scratched items.

The missing car keys? No, those were lost by you. But someone needed to confess to stealing/throwing them away to watch you frantically search and absorb all the negative attention possible. Negative attention reaps the same rewards as positive attention.

Sometimes you just want to have a nice conversation with your kid without studying their every word, thought, and intent. 

I forget what it's like to go to the bathroom without worrying about what they're doing as soon as I  leave the room. 

It would be nice to leave my purse on the kitchen table without a second thought. 

Sometimes you need them to shower like a normal human being, without a timer, without a countdown, actually cleaning themselves...

A visit to an arcade shouldn't have to involve prying your child from behind and underneath every machine in search of more coins/money.  

Birthday parties shouldn't hurt this much!  Neither should Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or Easter for that matter. You can forget about Mothers/Fathers day all together.

Summertime?  They just had to say 'goodbye' to more people they've grown to love and cherish on a daily basis at school.  Yeah, summertime equals out to more grief and loss.

Guilt looks like shit on a kid who's been adopted but has siblings still in care. 'Why did I get adopted and not them?  I'm nothing special...'

Guilt looks like shit on a kid who's never been given anything, because toys are now huge reminders of why they 'suck and don't deserve to be given nice things'.  Might as well destroy them too. 

'Oh I have a new Mom? Yeah, I had that nine other times before her.' Adopted? Forever you say?  PROVE IT.  No, better yet, I'm going to MAKE you prove it. 

Sometimes all you need is for them to open up and spill out the hurt. LAY IT ON ME! CRY! I'M A MOM! I CAN HANDLE IT! But sometimes anger and rage is the only avenue they know to use to communicate their hurts. Their anger? Ha! It's the epitome of UGLY.

Sometimes all you want is to have one day that's yours. One day to feel appreciated.  To feel loved. To feel special.  But no day is off limits, especially if it belongs to 'mom'.

Mothering the broken never rests. You carry their burdens 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There are no weekends, vacations, or holidays, no sick time, no paid time off, and certainly no breaks, but the rewards, the rewards are endless. Every night my children sleep safe in the same bed, every homework assignment I help them with, every discipline they get dealt by me, every doctor visit I take them to, every teachers conference I attend, every time they cry to me, every day I listen to their disappointments, every day I listen to their dreams, every second I study them, every day I choose to be their forever mom, is another day closer to being healed and another dying statistic.

Birthday Party

So my kid got invited to his first classmate birthday party ever! Hooray! I know this doesn't seem like much to brag about off hand, but when your kid came from foster care and hasn't spent more than a year in one placement, let alone in one school, this is kind of a big deal. This was also new to me as well so I went with an open mind, excited to see what was in store. Here's what we learned while attending a party for a kid and a bunch of other people I don't know:

Jump/bounce places smell like feet and butt sweat but the kids relish in it.

The majority of the kids run around like a bunch of wild animals, screaming their heads off.

My kid was pretty tame compared to some of the others.

Most of the parents line the walls and stare awkwardly, avoiding interaction and eye contact, sort of like a bunch of 13yo's at an 8th grade dance. I conversed with one mom the entire time and getting her to speak seemed a bit forced.

One mom said, "let me guess which kid is yours..." and proceeded to point at one of the only two Mexican children in the room. Luckily we indeed adopted a Hispanic child, otherwise that would have been awkward. (Sí, señora, que es mi hijo.)

Some kids are super whiny and their parents baby them to the max everytime they whine, thus producing more whining/crazy hysterics over absolutely nothing.

Some 4yr olds can get out of hand with glow in the dark necklaces, using them as a whip to strike at other kids. I laughed hysterically at one, because I could tell that she was just playing around and not meaning any harm.

Another kids mom got pretty angry at the said child, saying, "Who's brat is that??" "That hurts, and if it hits my child with that necklace, I'm going to be PISSED!" (Take it easy mommy dearest)

That same mom barreled over to the poor clueless 4yo, grabbing at her hands as she reared back to strike again, got in her face saying lord knows what, and made the child hide in fear.

I intervened and turned her whip back into a necklace and told her how much prettier she was with it on her neck instead of using it as a weapon. She smiled and said, "thank you" and walked away. Problem solved.

Some parents bring their kids to join in the fun but quietly leave right before gifts we're given. (Mmm hmmm, we noticed)

Goody bags consist of a bunch of worthless junk toys and cheap candy that end up in the garbage, but kids go crazy for them anyway and freak if they misplace them. (What's with that??)

Hooray pizza, cupcakes, and soda!! (Kind of)

Sounds like boatloads of fun right? Actually it wasn't so bad. This being another first for him, I was pretty surprised that he did as well as he did. I was expecting him to go crazier, be harder to reel in, and less manageable because generally speaking, Asher doesn't have a history of faring well in that type of atmosphere. But the most important things I learned today was that my child is beginning to adjust and behave like other kids, make friends, play well with others, and have some security in knowing that he can look forward to more celebrations like this because he's finally home for good. It's been just over a year that he and his brother came to be with us, and though we still have a lot of struggles, he's come so far and I'm one proud mama.

Memories

On the way to Equine Therapy today, Noah saw an ATV on a trailer and that caused him to start recalling a lot of things from a home he lived at while in foster care. Being that this is not something he ever does, it caused Asher and I to listen very attentively. After he finished talking, Asher said, "Well I don't remember anything really..." and I said, "Yes, you do remember things, you've told me before, about when you went back to live with your bio-mom." After that, he whispered to himself, "Well I don't want to think about that." Realizing it was bothering him, I said, "I understand, but you do remember, though." He then said, "Yeah but I don't want those memories, I want all new memories. I want all the bad memories to go away and the good ones to stay." At that point I didn't really know what to say, but then it occurred to me to tell him, "Well you're in luck because you have an amazing brain that records new memories every single day! Not to mention, sometimes those bad memories can help you learn how to stay out of trouble, so we can appreciate them even though something bad happened, good can come out of it too."

Gosh it really hurt my heart to hear that his beginning is still so painful, that he doesn't even want to remember it. But, I know that there will come a time when their good memories will outnumber the bad. I realize their past will always be apart of who they are, but I am hopeful that one day, the good, bad, and ugly will all be able to coexist in harmony, instead of creating more fear and sadness.

I know it's been over a year already, but please keep my family in your prayers. Thanks.

Change

Today when I picked up the boys from school I had some free time in between dropping them off at my mother in law's house and going back to work so I decided to take them to the library that was close by to get a few things. More than anything, it was a tool to keep them occupied and out of mischief while I was away.  Since the boys have been with us, the library has been one of those things they've surprisingly enjoyed doing very much.  I personally don't recall begging to go to the library as a child the way these two do but I suppose if I'd never been given the opportunity to do something like that I would likely feel the same way.  Anyways, their enthusiasm for something as simple as a book that doesn't belong to them whatsoever, is intriguing.

Later on, when it was time to pick them up from their Nanaw's house, we gathered the books and got in the car. As we were headed home Noah said, "Mom I love going to the library so much, can we please please please go more this summer?" Me still being intrigued at the whole idea of them loving books I said, "Man, did y'all not ever get to go to the library before coming here?" Noah and Asher both exclaimed, "NO WAY!! We never did that before." So I said, "Well I guess maybe your last foster mom didn't want to take you because she was afraid some of the books would get ripped up or something."  Noah replied, "Yeah like I did before, I ripped up a book pretty bad once at their house."  Pressing on I said, "Oh yeah?  Why would you do something like that?" He replied, "Well because I was really really mad."  Then as the conversation progressed I asked him, "So how come you don't tear up your library books here at our home?" and Asher said, "Probably because he knows he'll get in trouble!" Noah got annoyed and said, "Nuh uh!! That's not true! I'm not afraid to get in trouble!  But I think because they don't belong to me so I have to take care of them...and well...well because I've changed." Realizing this was somewhat of a breakthrough moment I asked, "What do you mean you've changed?" so he says, "I changed because I feel like I have a more better future and I didn't then. I'm adopted and I know that my life is going to be better now and because y'all have told me that God has a plan for my life."  You have no idea how sweet it was to hear him say these things. I looked at him from the rear view mirror and watched his facial expression as he explained all of this and the confidence on his face was amazing! It blessed my soul to know for certain that this was coming straight from his heart.  Noah is the one that has his guard up at all times, fights to remain control of every situation, goes out of his way to manipulate the world around him and uses his poor speech to confuse others to keep them at a distance/guessing what he's up to. He is not a boy who will bare his heart to just anyone.  In the same moment that he's telling me these things, I realize he's repeating something I told him during a time when he was behaving at his worst and I was floored that he actually took in what I was saying and allowed it to bring forth change.

Even though it was almost a year ago I remember those days like they were yesterday; Noah would frequently have pretty bad crying fits etc. and would usually end up into a fetal position on his bedroom floor. During these times he would lash out at us and/or hurt himself so I didn't really want to get close to him whatsoever. As a matter of fact, I usually wanted to be as far away from him as possible.  At this point he'd only been in our home for a month or so and we had a lot of turmoil already and I was simply exhausted. Regardless, during these times I would go into his room and crawl up next to him on the floor and sit down.  My first inclination was to ask him what was wrong but most of the time he'd sit there and give me nothing but outlandish behaviors in return.  He'd usually begin to talk 'out of his head' about things that didn't make any sense (a tool he uses to scare others away) and when I would try to offer him advice, he'd roll his eyes as if nothing I was saying was of any importance.  However, in a few of these moments when he wanted nothing more but for me to back away, he'd say things like, "My life is ruined and I'm going to grow up and go to prison and I don't want to go there" or "I'm ugly and I do bad things" "I'm a horrible person, I'm so mean" or "I feel like I'm a bad kid and will die and go to hell" and then immediately resume his behaviors making it very difficult to want to continue trying to get him to calm down.  However, when he'd say this I'd respond by saying, "You know, God spoke to me about you before you even got here and he's got a plan for your life and it doesn't include prison" "You are exactly the son God wanted us to have and you're perfect for our family" and "Put your trust in God and you won't have to worry about dying/going to hell" or "One of these days you're going to be healed and you won't be like this anymore."  However, no matter what I said, he'd continue behaving erratically and I'd end up leaving the room so he could get himself together. I'd end up even more exhausted and not knowing whether anything I said made any difference so eventually I just stopped trying all together. But today, today I realize it did make a difference and I'm blessed because of it.  Let me tell you, it's HARD to keep track of the progress when you have children in your home that constantly display difficult behavior on a daily basis. But it's in the moments like these when he's unaware that he's opening up, where I get the most encouragement. Just to know that we're actually getting somewhere when it seems like we take one step forward and two steps back most days.  My boys are hard, they're the two toughest little beings I've ever met but little by little, they let us catch a glimpse of the real kid inside and I'm in love with what I see. 

We still have turmoil filled days, but at least now I know that what I say during these tumultuous times has the potential to bring forth change in his heart, whether it be now or later, and I will continue to try no matter how bleak it looks.