Uphill battle

I was just sitting here wondering just how much my kids believe we're really coming back for them since our first visit last weekend. Don't get me wrong I'm not so naive to think that they will instantly trust us when they've had numerous placements and many adults move in and out of their lives who've let them down. Just today I called and talked to my oldest and had to remind him that we were coming up for another visit and it was like he heard it for the first time though we've spoken about it with him on three separate occasions already. It was almost like he was surprised that we really were still coming. As a matter of fact, with our boys, promises in general tend to go in one ear and out the other making it feel like we're fighting an uphill battle having to make up for all of the disappointment they've faced in their short little lives. But it's not like we're not up for the challenge...

As an adoptive parent you're made to go through classes meant to somewhat prepare you for your child's homecoming. These classes speak in depth about maladjusted children with a whole slew of attachment, bonding, and trust issues (among other behaviors; some very horrific in nature) but secretly you think to yourself, "not my child."  I only know this because I WAS one of those people.  I thought, "I have good judgment character so I'm just going to pick out a cute child that will fit our family with the least amount of issues and everything will be just perfect..."  LOL..NOT!!  One thing the classes don't prepare you for is God's will for your life and the fact that His will just may include you parenting a child with all of those issues and more. I've learned that the adoption journey is less about me and more about redemption and the glory of God. You see, God didn't need ME to do HIS job and that was a tough pill to swallow once it sunk in.  It was only after much anxiety and sleepless nights while we were approved and waiting running into walls before I accepted the fact that I was called to walk this journey not called to be in charge of it.

Without going into too much detail about our boys background just know that our children have been through more tragedy and heartache in their short lives than most adults have in a lifetime and it's more than I ever thought Bob and I were capable of dealing with. Naturally we limited ourselves to what we thought we could handle but God saw capabilities in us that we had no idea even existed. While we were sitting there hoping and waiting for the "perfect" children with little needs He had already set aside for us two miracles that were diamonds in the rough; beauties born out of insurmountable ashes far from what we had envisioned.  It wasn't until later when we realized that God, using his grace as the divine orchestrator, fine tuned our lives to harmonize perfectly with our boys very special needs much before we even started the adoption journey. I'm not sure how the song will play out but I know it will be one of furious love, redemption and grace.

On this road laid before us there are barriers Bob and I have to break through and plenty of opportunities to make up for where our boys have been let down. Yes, there will surely be more days like today when it feels like we're fighting an uphill battle. But with each trial there is a security in knowing that the same God who called us according to His purpose is the one that will equip us and give us enough grace to get through it as we keep our eyes on Him. I look at my boys sweet faces and sit here amazed at the wonders of God, how He would see us fit and choose us to parent the two most amazing little human beings I've ever met. So if it take us having to prove ourselves a thousand times a day, then so be it.


Hannah

Miracle

I never thought Bobby and I would ever get to this point but here we are.  WE'RE PARENTS!  Okay so let me backtrack a little and fill in the blanks.  On Thursday April 3rd at 11:30am we finally had our presentation staffing (final meeting giving us all current information about them) regarding adopting our sons and once that was completed we had to wait 24 hours to give them our final decision. According to the rules the 24 hours is for us to more or less "sleep on it."  Of course Bobby and I didn't need to sleep on it because we already knew we were going to adopt them but nonetheless we had to play by the rules. By Thursday evening we were so antsy and couldn't wait to have the chance to see the kids and start our visitations so late that night, after much convincing by my mother-in-law I sent a request to have our first visitation with the boys the very next day. The reason why it took so much convincing was because Bobby's dad, who had previously been on hospice for quite some time, had taken a turn for the worse and was nearing the end and we just didn't know how much longer he was going to last. What came next was the most powerful and magical two days we've had since the we got married.  Friday morning, I woke up bright and early and sent off the final "yes" email to our caseworker and within a couple of hours, we got the approval to go visit the boys that night so we rushed to pack our things and was on our way to San Antonio to collide with our future.

The drive down there was brutal and as we neared their foster home, we stopped to get dressed so that we could look our best. By the time we drove up to the house our hearts were pounding and we grabbed hands and held onto each other as tight as we could while knocking on the door. Once we got inside it took a minute for our boys to come around the corner but then all the sudden there they were and all we could do was smile and laugh.  The boys face literally lit up and they both came right up to us and gave us hugs and invited us to come sit down with them in the kitchen where they were enjoying some candy that their foster mom had given them.  What was funny was they had no idea that we were even going to be there, all their foster mom told them was that they had visitors coming and it was a surprise.  The boys instantly took to us and the more we talked the more excited they got!  We were hugged, loved on, and told that they knew we'd come for them. Our littlest looked at me and smiled and said, "hey do you remember when we met at that party?!  It was so much fun!" All I could do was smile and nod and tell him of course and I haven't forgotten about him and have always thought about him since that day. They talked A LOT and at one point both of our boys even said out loud, "I wish to be adopted right now!" That right there brought immediate joy to my heart as I thought we'd never hear them speak those words so easily.  We laughed, smiled, got teary eyed, and took pictures. It was above and beyond what we ever thought it could be.  We never expected it to go that well, at all.

When it was time for us to leave for the evening and head to the hotel, we told the boys it was time for us to go but also let them know that we'd be there the next day to spend the day with them. Boy you'd have thought it was Christmas!  Both of them said, "TOMORROW?!  REALLY?!  I want to go somewhere with you guys so bad!!"  So we told them not to worry that we'd pick them up and have some fun. Our littlest stood in the doorway as we went to walk out and he grabbed my legs and gave me the biggest bear hug while looking up at me with a huge smile and beautiful brown eyes.  When our oldest saw that he came over and hugged me too and my husband joined in just in time for my oldest to say, "OKAY GROUP HUG!!" It was so sweet.  As we walked out Bobby and I were high fiving and laughing with tears in our eyes in full on cry mode when we got into the car.  We were in awe.

The next day we got up super early and ordered engraved necklaces online and made plans to visit this petting zoo we thought the kids would enjoy.  About 10:30am we arrived at the foster home just in time to see our youngest coming outside with a giant bag of trash twice his size carrying it to the garbage.  As soon as he saw us he dropped it and immediately ran to the door to get ready, of course we stopped him and let him know that he had time to finish his chores before we left.  Let me tell you I've never seen two kids get ready so fast in my entire life!!  They were buzzing around the house and skipping here and there with one foot in the air putting socks and shoes on and getting their jackets, it was HILARIOUS!  Lol! Once we got them strapped into the car we were on our way.  When we got to the petting zoo they had the time of their lives!  They got to feed goats, pigs, rabbits, turtles, longhorns, miniature horses, miniature cows, chickens, and an emu.  They also each got to take a short ride on a pony and we snapped a ton of pictures.  It was great and though they are active they were surprisingly very easy to keep up with.  When it was time for us to leave our oldest didn't want anything to do with leaving but we let him know that we'd come back again some time so that put him at ease and we left to get pizza, our first meal as a real family. :) The kids were so well behaved and their table manners were really surprisingly great.  I figured we'd have two little table hellions on our hands but that was not the case at all. It was so nice!  As we were walking out the most beautiful thing came out of my oldest sons mouth.  He squinted his little eyes threw his hands up in the air he said, "You know, I just think that when I get adopted and go live with yall, my life is going to be AMAZING! Oh! This has just been the bestest day ever! I am having so much fun!!" Up until that point Bobby and I had held our emotions in to keep from freaking them out but when he said that I broke. Luckily he was walking in front of me and wasn't paying attention because I immediately put my hand over my mouth and started to sob quietly. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  I'm getting emotional thinking about it now. If he only knew how long we have waited to have them...if he only knew.

Before we took the boys home, we stopped by the mall to pick up the necklaces we had made.  The were each identical tags engraved with "A family forever" on one side and "1 Sam 1:27" on the other side with a cross charm on it as well. In the Bible 1 Samuel 1:27 reads, "For this child I have prayed, and the Lord granted me my petition which I have asked of Him." This scripture is so significant to our journey because from the moment we met our boys at the match event, Bobby and I prayed extensively and sought Gods provision for them specifically and as you can see, He granted us what we asked.  It was so neat when we presented them with their gifts, they were both so happy and excited to have them and posed for pictures holding them up while wearing them around their necks.  We explained to them that we got the necklaces so that they could have something to remind themselves that we are a family from now until forever no matter how far apart we are and that nothing was going to stop us from being together eventually.

Around 5pm we finally got them back to the foster home and had to say goodbye. Boy that was hard to do.  The kids hugged us again and asked us when we'd be coming back so we reassured them that it would be very soon. As we drove away and out of San Antonio we felt like we were leaving a piece of ourselves behind.  We instantly missed them and couldn't believe the miracle that had occurred in just 48 short hours.  As of now Bobby and I have vowed to call them and visit as often as we can and can afford to do. We've spoken twice on the phone and each time it seems like it gets harder and harder to let them go. Just tonight our oldest son told us he loved us when he was letting us go and that got to us big time, we just never thought the love for these two little beings would grow so strongly and so quickly. Sure there is some trust to build in the future but with what's taken place in such a short time we're confident that it will happen much sooner than later.

As for a future visit we are planning to drive up and spend Easter weekend with them. This time they will be able to spend the night with us which should be a ton of fun. We are planning to stay in (the hotel), watch movies, and play games and wake up early to attend Easter service with them.  I think their foster family is even having a celebration at their house that we will get to be apart of before we go home. We all are  looking forward to that and the many more visits to come before they come home for good in the summer.  I still don't know how we're going to make it until June but God's carried us this far so I'm sure He will continue to do so. ::sigh::  We will be complete in due time...

Adoption Fundraiser Drawing!!

Well this weekend we'll be in San Antonio reading our boys official files and next Thursday April 3rd will be our Presentation Staffing with CPS making our decision to adopt our boys final.  Once that is completed we'll finally begin our visitations with them.  HALLELUJAH!! So in light of our future comings and goings back and forth to San Antonio visiting the boys until they permanently come home in June, we've began fundraising again in the form of an online "Drawing" containing some pretty cool products. Please consider purchasing an entry into one or more of the drawings to help us out, every little bit helps!!

Please click HERE to go to the drawing page.

The Drawing will be held on 4/18/14 at 12:00am.  Winners will be announced here and via FundRazr and will have exactly 30 days to claim their prize.

We did it!

To those of you who somehow missed it...

!!WE GOT OUR BOYS!!

So much has happened over the past month it's unreal. There were times when I thought we'd never make it yet here we are standing in one piece though it took all of the joy, frustration, heartache, pain, blood, sweat, and tears we could muster up. After the holidays and January flying by without hearing anything I'll admit it, I had become cynical about the whole thing. Knowing that we'd followed the voice of God every step of the way and had done everything in our power to get somewhere with the boys caseworker, seemingly to no avail, I was DONE! Physically, mentally, and emotionally done. My heart ached for them and I struggled daily with thoughts that I couldn't put out of my mind. I thought that I could have done more or that maybe I missed what God was saying, it was awful! But it took one prayer and February, the month of love, to change everything!

On Friday January 24th I attended a Bible Study at my brothers house and one of the topics was learning to try God and trust that He can and will resolve any situation so at the end of the meeting, my brother challenged us to take one struggle in our lives and give it to Christ trusting him to fix it within 30 days.  So that's what I did!  I envisioned holding our adoption journey in both hands and literally throwing it at the feet of Christ and that's where I left it.  I was at the end of my rope, there was nothing left in our power that we could do to make things happen, nothing whatsoever, so why not?! Needless to say by that following Monday everything changed.  We got a new adoption caseworker and the boys caseworker FINALLY after all this time broke her silence and contacted our caseworker. I was SHOCKED!  To make a long story short we were eventually included in their staffing three weeks later (meeting of the minds to determine the best family for the kids) and we received recent pictures of them etc. But it wasn't until last Friday, February 21st (3 days before my 30 day challenge was to end) that we received the news that we were indeed selected to be their family and ironically that news came while I was in yet another Bible study at my brothers house.  Haha!  TGBTG!

So the plan for now is they are waiting until school is out for the summer to transition them home to us which we are fine with.  Not only will it give us time to get the house in order, but it will also give us time to spend our last moments as a couple "without" children. What's funny is that Bobby has always hoped that we'd have a summertime transition to make it easier on everyone so I guess God listened to that too and made it happen.  It's true, He gives us the desires of our heart and I stand in awe of Him daily.  He never ceases to amaze me and He's never let me down.

!!THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO'VE SUPPORTED US EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, YOUR LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS!!

Please keep us in your prayers as we move forward into our future with them.

Hannah

So much

Well it's officially January 1, 2014.  Remembering when we started this journey in Oct./Nov. 2012 I never once thought we'd be beginning 2014 still without our children but here we are. Just last night I was telling Bobby that I didn't know how on earth we made it this long not having them, it's been a tough ride.  I'll admit, the holidays were really rough and the anxiety was insurmountable.  I simply couldn't shake the feeling that my children were spending yet another holiday season in foster care.  I struggled daily to find things to be thankful for around Thanksgiving and all of Christmas was pretty much a blur. I felt like I was on autopilot just existing and doing what I thought I had to do for the time being. I purposely stayed away from friends and kept to myself for the sake of not wanting to dump my emotional mess on them. In my mind doing that wouldn't be fair, especially since I can't expect them to empathize with me during this unique stage in our lives. I'm am blessed though because Bobby was supportive every step of the way trying to uplift me the best he knew how regardless of the fact that he too felt the gravity of the situation in his own way.  One really good thing that kept us busy during that time was planning and participating in our church missions which catered to orphans during Christmas.  Bobby played Santa Clause at a Milk and Cookies party we threw for the children at the Texas Pythian Home and then on Christmas Eve we took dinner and music to the teens at an Emergency Youth Shelter here in Ft. Worth and served them.  These two things were a real blessing to me and bringing joy to otherwise hurting children helped to take my mind off of myself and how I felt.  Serving others was a welcomed break. 

Aside from not having our children for the holidays, much of what I was so anxious about was the fact that we were chosen as the #1 family for two boys in San Antonio and their file was due to arrive any day to which it did exactly a week before Christmas.  Though that sounds like a great thing, and it is to an extent, Bob and I were concerned because we had been waiting to hear something on another set of siblings that we fell head over heels for back in October at a match event.  Receiving the file so quickly for the other two boys meant that we'd have a very small time frame to read it and make a final decision (7 days at first but our Cw graciously extended it). To put it plainly, we felt we weren't prepared to make such a decision without knowing anything about the others we'd waited so long to hear about. Regardless of the situation, I drudged on and read all but maybe 300 pages of just about a 3000 page file before we made a decision together. Reading through the file was pretty eye opening and the majority of their file seemed pretty legit and forthcoming.  At first nothing stood out as too much of a concern as to why we shouldn't adopt them but when I got to their present day information (file went from 2006 to 2013) what I read helped us make a clearer decision and we decided not to pursue these boys any further.  It wasn't any one thing that was super significant but rather a behavior pattern that I started to see when I put everything together.  The older child had a particular behavior at every home and continued to have it despite receiving intense therapy twice weekly and behavioral interventions while in the therapeutic home they are presently living at for the last two years so we knew there was nothing we could do to help further, especially as new parents. With this being the first time for us to make such a tough decision, Bobby and I were surprised that we had so much peace about it and that only further confirmed and cemented the fact that we had made the right decision. 

So as for now we are still patiently waiting for God to move and bring our children home.  I don't know exactly when it will be or how long it will take but we are committed to doing whatever it takes to get there, even if that means more waiting. I've finally come to the realization that I don't want to look back on this time and remember how agonizing the waiting process was but instead look back and remember having joy.  As for 2014, I wouldn't call it a resolution but I would like to enlarge my personal boarder to include helping not just the orphan, but others who are lost and hurting.  I don't want to be afraid of getting my hands dirty for a particular cause if it means bringing someone joy and/or standing up in the face of adversity. I don't want to spend another minute feeling selfishly anxious about my own situation but begin to pour myself into helping others. Doing so would only bring me closer to God and that's all I truly long for at the moment. One thing the Lord has done personally for me through this entire process is spark a compassion of a greater magnitude in my heart for others that I really never had before.  I can look at others now and actually SEE them and their value as a human being aside from their physical/financial/moral/religious status. It's become easier to listen to someone speak and hear their heart over the nonsense and that helps me to avoid self-righteously judging them.  For that I am grateful. 

To our friends out there, don't be offended if we keep to ourselves in the hard moments, this journey can be rough and sometimes we just need to take a time out. We promise we still love everyone the same.  Thank you so much for your continued support and love and please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue on.


Hannah

Long bumpy road

Geez is it November already?! Exactly one year ago we were sitting and talking with my brother about his sermon at church for Orphan Sunday and never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd be called to this journey and patiently waiting for our children to come home in the same month a year later.  If it weren't for that day Bobby and I would have probably never thought adoption was possible and I am eternally grateful that we had that divine appointment.

In October we went to a match event in San Antonio where we met and interacted with some very adorable children.  Two of them were our top priority and we felt like we "found the ones!" However, so many times on this journey feelings can get overwhelming and what you thought was perfection ends up distorted and you start to feel like you don't know anymore.  Let me explain.  Exactly two weeks and two days after we met these two angels in San Antonio, their caseworker responded with news that they were displaying some "behaviors" and "a judge ordered that they not be placed until they are stabilized" which was left without an expected assessment date nor a promise of any amount of time at which they would be available again, and that raised more questions than anything!  By this point we were already discouraged because she'd not so much as responded to any of my caseworkers attempts to contact her about the boys so when we got this bit of info., we knew we had to get some answers quickly.  As emotionally invested as we already were, Bobby and I knew that it would be really hard to move forward not knowing if she was being truthful, because lets face it our broken system doesn't typically work that quickly and one just doesn't get before a judge within two weeks. Not only that, if she was being truthful, what behaviors?!  I mean one would think, and I'm speaking from experience because we've had this happen before, that she would AT LEAST send us a small summary on the boys so we could determine if we wanted to wait until they were "available" again or if we should move on because that is a valid option even if they aren't readily available for adoption.  BUT NO they were "no longer available for adoption" and that was it. So of course me being the person that I am, the person that God created me to be, THE HARD ASS, booked a flight to San Antonio that leaves on Tuesday so I could be present at an event that I know their caseworker will be attending for National Adoption Month to finally get some answers.  ; )

So, I booked my non-refundable flight last Friday and by Tuesday I had a message from my caseworker saying that we had been chosen to be in a selection staffing for two other boys by a different San Antonio caseworker at 4:30pm that afternoon and we were officially selected as the chosen family for those boys by Thursday.  So what that means is that the ball is in our court so to speak and if we want to adopt them, all we have to do is obtain the file (could take 2wks to 5 mo. to get -_-), look through their file and say "yes."  Needless to say I was shocked yet honored that she considered/selected us but it also left me confused asking God why he led me to book that flight if this was coming to fruition as well. Now when I say that God led me to do this, I'm really not joking.  Bobby and I prayed and prayed for two weeks straight after the San Antonio match event for the first two boys for their safety and for an answer from their caseworker and I asked God numerous times if I should go to the event and every time He said yes and that He would provide the money for me to do so AND HE DID.  I am still 100% unsure as to why I'm going but I know that God has the answer to that and will reveal it to me at some point.  The obvious good things that could come out of this trip are that I get to speak with the original two boys caseworker and see what those "behaviors" are and if she's even being truthful about the situation, and I will get another opportunity to speak with the other caseworker more in depth about the two boys we've been selected for.  I'm excited to go on this trip but on the other hand I'm nervous because this will be the 1st time that Bobby and I have been apart for a night since we've been married and it is also the 1st time I will be by myself in another city but I'm sure I'll be okay. 

I have to tell you though, for my believing friends out there, since we returned from the San Antonio match event, it seems like all hell has broken loose around us and that could only mean one thing-we're getting close! : )  For those of you who aren't familiar with what I'm talking about, the Bible clearly states in John 10:10 (and numerous other verses) that the thief (the devil) comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." You see, we were created in God's image so he hates every human being and wants to destroy everything he can get a hold of, especially those who love God. So because Bobby and I have been called according to Gods purpose to serve the orphan, the closer we get to carrying that out the more the enemy will try to stop us.  But despite all that, we're staying encouraged because God has promised us children and has equipped us with the knowledge of how to stay grounded and protected. Like Paul in Philippians 4, we have to learn to be "content in every situation and be anxious for nothing!"  No matter how hard we're being hit financially, or if our dog was poisoned and had to be put to sleep (which he was), if we are met with health problems in our families, if we are persecuted on our jobs, NO MATTER HOW BLEAK it gets, we have to trust God and be content! We KNOW we're doing the right thing not only because serving the orphan is a biblical commandment but if we weren't doing what God wants, the enemy wouldn't be trying so damn hard to destroy our journey.  You see, if he can't stop you in your tracks, he'll make sure to put as many potholes in the road as possible to steal your joy and make you want to quit. But quitting is NOT an option.

In the meantime please pray for where we're at right now and say a prayer that I'll have a good trip in San Antonio.  

Remembering His Promise

 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~Isaiah 30:21

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope." ~Psalm 119:49

Well we got the 1st call about a placement last week but before you question our enthusiasm or the lack there of, you first must understand that adoption is a journey with a very detailed map.  There are lots of paths you can travel to get to your destination, but like with any road map you have to choose your route carefully to avoid ending up at a dead end, or worse, somewhere you never intended to go.  Now with that being said, we were approached by our caseworker about a certain child who was apart of a failed adoption, meaning the current parents had already finalized and were now saying that they couldn't do it anymore and wanted to give up their rights.  Of course, just hearing this story broke our hearts for this child but at the same time, we knew we had to use our heads and also let God lead us to the right decision. I won't lie, our first inclination was to say "no" right away and that caused me some guilt, but the fact is, is this is a child, a human being, not something you can just pass off without a second thought.  As a matter of fact, in this life path, considering every detail and all possibilities is the best course of action.  In the hours after the call were pretty emotional. Bobby and I argued over the fact that this child was not what we had in mind and he was headstrong on his point of view but I myself felt slightly different about it all though not to the point to where I was swayed by my feelings at all. By the end of our heated discussion that lasted over a few phone calls throughout the day we both agreed that we should call our caseworker and get some more insight.  Later on, Bobby and I had a conference call with our worker and shared our concerns about the child and she said they were going to get as much info from the parents/doctors as they could and would report back to us with more clear information as to what the situation was. While we were waiting to hear back from our caseworker I took it upon myself to confide in my mom and another adoption sister through one of our support groups and I just kept on getting the same answer which cemented the feelings that this most likely wasn't our child. As you know, I am a Christian and as I've shared in previous blogs, exactly one year ago in a life changing moment I had with the Lord, He spoke clearly to me and told me that Bobby and I would have two children within a 1-1.5 yrs. Of course I laughed it off at the time and forgot about it but clearly the path was set and we were on our journey to adoption within a couple of months after that even before I had remembered what He said to me. So back to what I was saying, as I'm conversing with my family/adoption family about the details they are reminding me of what God said and here I am having to tell myself once again that God's word has never failed in my life and if He said it was going to be two children, this single child will not be ours.  Regardless of what we knew in our hearts, Bobby and I still just didn't feel comfortable with saying "no" so quickly and so we waited. Needless to say, I decided that 4 days was long enough and I sent my caseworker an email requesting an update on the child.  Within minutes she got back with me letting us know that the child was indeed not be a good fit for our family and would need to be put with someone who could offer some specialized care. Of course that answer was a huge sigh of relief and it made both of us feel better about that fact that we didn't have to say "no" though in the future we're going to be okay with that.  To be truthful, Bobby and I feel a little desperate at times and find it really hard not to want things to happen for us right now.  On one hand, waiting is a really tough thing to endure especially when we feel so ready to have our family completed and it's completely out of our control but on the other hand, in this situation especially, had we made a quick decision based on that tiny morsel of desperation, we would have ended up in a place much different than the one God intended us to be as a family. So the lesson learned on this part of our journey is to consider all of them, but listen to the voice of the Lord, remember His promises to us, and choose our route carefully.