Making the grade

Well I checked Noah's first set of grades for the beginning of the year. I was not happy about what he was coming up with in math and writing and the fact that he chose not to bring home his first progress report a while back because he was failing miserably at that time and knew we would not be happy. I considered grounding him for that and also holding him to getting it together in both of those classes to get ungrounded, but then I looked at the bigger picture and decided to change directions. In the grand scheme of things, he was doing pretty dang good in all his other classes. He even had two attached comments in his digital record by teachers saying, "he's a joy to have in class," and is "an overall good student." So instead, I sat him down and we had a long serious conversation about personal responsibility, and juggling athletics and his grades in order to play. We also discussed asking for help, turning in work completed and on time, and choosing not to horse around in class. I used some strong words to get my point across, so that he knew I was serious. Naturally, he wasn't very pleased and tried to give excuses, but he ultimately knew deep down that he had some work to do and was listening. So once I was done giving my lecture, I made a point to end the conversation with reading off all of the comments from his teachers and how I thought his other grades were awesome. I also mentioned that aside from our relationship struggles, I was so proud of how he was conducting himself at school, over all, and how far he has come despite his history. Would you believe that he smiled and started crying happy tears?! Yes! He was overjoyed to hear that and it did something to his spirit to know that we noticed his progress. It also touched me to see that he cared so much, especially when he tries so hard to act tough and unaffected by literally everything. Yeah I'm hard on my kids, I am the first to admit it. In the same regard, I have very hard kids who don't usually respond until it gets serious. I'm a loud person, which tends to trigger them, I'm personally not very cuddly either, and have to work at being approachable. But regardless, I love them with that same intensity and want only the best for them. They know the second they've messed up, yet I spare nothing in showing them how pleased I am when they get it right. Noah has every reason in the world to stay pissed and refuse to do well in life as he has gone through unimaginable grief and trauma. Yet, he is choosing to rise above it, is doing well, and that's all I really want. Is there room for improvement? Sure there is! Not only on his part, but mine, too, as his mom. I can't rightfully ask him to improve, if I'm not willing to lead by example; even if that means changing tactics when the situation allows for it. Even though I knew that grounding him works and would have propelled him to do better, I wanted to dial into his strengths and let him know that at the very core, we are proud of him and notice his efforts. He's still very aware that he is on notice and has work to do, but at least he left the conversation upbeat and with a positive outlook instead of irritated, like usual. He even told me his game plan for Monday; how he's going to talk to both of his teachers to see if there's anything he can do to improve both grades before they turn them all in on Tuesday, eating lunch with them, and staying over/skipping the game Monday to work on his grades. We shall see if he actually follows through, but nevertheless, I am encouraged by how it went, because it could have been much worse. Just goes to show you how improving your tone as a parent really can effect the outcome with your kiddos. I'm sure this won't work every time going forward, but I'll take what I can get.

Jesus the healer

So "Broah" (new nickname) 😂 has his first Cross Country track meet today, and his first football scrimmage tomorrow. Yay!! Exciting times! It's sad to admit, but I have to be honest, there was a period when I could not foresee this being in his future. It actually took us three years before we could even trust him enough to play a sport, at all, which was baseball this summer, and we had some challenges then, though not unbearable (definitely not his sport.) Yet here he is, discharged from special education and in regular classes, with regular kids, playing regular sports, and I could not be more proud to say that. I could care less if he places first or places at all, I'm just so thankful he has the ability to participate!

Right before Noah was placed with us, God audibly spoke to me one day, telling me the great things he had in mind for him. I wondered why He would speak to me about just him and not Asher, but passed that off as insignificant since I was so excited that God spoke to me about my son in the first place! I could not wait to watch His handiwork unfold. Then he was placed and I quickly realized why He felt the need to give me that "pep talk," so to speak. The sheer brokenness I saw before me rocked my faith like it has never been rocked before. "God, how could you tell me those things when you have given me a child who is this messed up? Lord, he's severely mentally ill and has to be heavily medicated to do anything! He'll probably never live on his own, and you have great things in mind for HIM?! I can barely keep him from hurting himself, let alone others. Are you sure? I cannot see what you see. Surely he is beyond repair." Prior to this, I had never been one to question the Lord, but this situation made me realize that in my life, so far, I had never really known Jesus that way and He was using this situation to reveal that part of Himself to me. Jesus the healer. Sure, I had read about healing in the Bible and witnessed some minor healing from sickness and pain in myself and others, but never to this magnitude, surely God was mistaken. But my my my, it was I who was mistaken and I am blessed today to have been so wrong!! The miracles that I've seen God do in the last three years with my child who was literally in pieces, who is now being put back together piece by aching piece by the creator of the universe! Yes, one can attribute some of that to him being placed in a family, with stability for once in his life, but that's honestly giving us too much credit. We were and are still not experts by any means. Bob and I were first time parents, never having parented any child before, let alone one with mental and emotional problems with severe destructive behavior AND his little brother who had his own needs. Yes we took the classes, but we were, in the literal sense, NOT prepared for the task we were given. And we have made so many mistakes along the way. But God. BUT GOD! If it weren't for Him we would have already thrown in the towel. If it weren't for his promises and hanging on to every little bit of faith we had left, there would be no way we could do this. All along the way God has reminded us that he is still working, even through the worst times, HE IS STILL WORKING. Putting people in our path to encourage and uplift us; strangers at mental hospitals (of all places), support groups, churches, you name it. God speaking again, telling me "we're halfway there," and another time to see him as "Faith Walking" (His words not mine); which meant rejecting what I saw as the truth of who Noah is, and intentionally seeing and treating him as if he is already restored (still a work in progress at times.) Revealing to us that he has not only prepared us in advance, but actually CREATED us for this; wasting nothing, using even our own adversities in life, just as he is doing for Noah. Here he is, using our lives and experiences as an example of his living word in Romans 8:28 when it says, "All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." And I stand in amazement of it all.

No we were not prepared; not prepared to see the greatness of God, to meet the healing power of Jesus whose arms know no depths, whose blood cleanses even the most vile wretch, all because of His boundless love and grace for us. I'm struggling to even find the words as my words fall short and are not fit to describe the magnitude and astonishment of the Lord! I am blessed to be speechless at his miraculous works and pray that they continue to completion.


Hannah