Lego progress

To you, this is just a photo of my kids playing with Lego's, but what I see is great progress! There was a time, in the not so distant past, when we had to remove all of the Lego's because they caused Noah to have such destructive behavior, and if Asher came anywhere near them, he would throw fits and scream like a 2yo, bully, and talk down to Asher over them. Then anytime Asher wanted to annoy Noah, he would grab something Noah built with them and pull it apart or step on it, just to start a fight. When I finally began to try to trust them with the Lego's again, I only allowed them to play separately here and there, leading up to finally allowing them to try playing together. I use to think they'd never get past behaving that way and considered selling their collection all together, but now I'm glad I didn't, because I get to witness the progress they've made! So far they've been playing for 1.5hrs today without any problems. :D <3

Love and Asher

"Hi mom, I missed you! Can we hang out? Mama I wanna spend time with you. I wanna lay on the couch with you and sing together like we did that one time. And then we played 'this little piggy went to market'. Please mom, can we please?" ~Asher

Music to my ears, and the greatest gift I've ever received. It's hard to believe that last year, this same kid would say the most hurtful things, things a mom should never hear, all in the name of fighting attachment. I was told that I tricked him and lied to him about me being a good mom, I was the worst mom ever, that he hated me, he would never love me, that I didn't love him, and that he didn't want to live here--he wanted to be back in foster care, even if it meant not being with his brother anymore. Then one day he took it a step further and told me he wanted my sister to be his mom, instead. That one REALLY hurt. He'd find the things I enjoyed the most and would break them or throw them away. He even spit on me, too. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't make an effort to do or say something to me personally, and that's not taking into account all the things he did around others and at school. O_o

As for myself, I fought the attachment some, too! I went from being a mom to none to being a mom of two rambunctious boys, with more anger in their little finger than I could muster up in a day, so I was literally in shock. All excuses aside, it's just simply against human nature to want to attach to something so rough and mean. One can only take so much before they shrink and curl up like an armadillo to protect themselves from further damage. But the truth about life with Asher today is that it's much better than it was. And though there are days that I still have a hard time wanting to find ways to connect, they're fewer and further between. The stubborn love I had for him at first that that roared, "I refuse to give up on you no matter what you do to me..." rawly out of rejection, has been replaced by a true mothers love that has grown wildly in my heart. It really took me holding firm to the belief that this is the path God chose for me, and if he didn't think I could do this, he wouldn't have brought me to it. I was knocked down so many times by this little one (though I'm sure there's more to come), but I always found the courage to keep getting back up. On the worst days, I know that I was given a double portion of grace to get through, minute by minute, or else I couldn't have done it.

This boy protected the pieces of his little broken heart so valiantly, with nerve, a sharp tongue, and with the armor of a genuine warrior. But his armor was no match for love. He didnt know that true love NEVER fails. It covers a multitude of sins and crosses every boundary. Yes my love was stubborn and relentless at first but it was still love, and that's all God needed to plant a seed into Asher's heart. And what a blessing it is to see his love for me flourish as wild as the love I have for him. It is truly a miracle.

God has a sense of humor

So today I was out for the better part of the day doing some Christmas shopping. On the way to the next store, while driving, I started thinking about all of the behaviors and progress we have endured so far with Noah, and suddenly my mind got lost in thought about it all. There I am, going down I-30, almost reliving one of Noah's worst breakdowns. I vividly recalled the screaming, the growling, the crying, the crazy talk, his kicking, hitting, head butting, throwing things etc., that particular one lasted over an hour. Sheesh! I wondered if I'd ever get to the place to where I could endure one of his meltdowns without getting cottonmouth, trembling, and feeling totally helpless. My stress level during those times is through the roof because, let's face it, I'm emotionally invested in the kid and there's no way I can just stop it. Then I started thinking about the progress and how far he's come. I wondered if he'd ever just stop lashing out so bad. If one day he'd settle in and embrace being a son, having parents, and being apart of a family without fighting it so hard. He's doing so good in so many other areas in his life, at this point, we're literally dumbfounded that he's still exploding like this. Then my mind drifted to the Lord and how faithful He's been in our walk with this special kid of ours. How He had enough grace to give me dreams about Noah before he came here. How the Lord told me His plans for Noah and how glorious his future would be. How God taught me to look at Noah as he is 'faith walking' because frankly, the mess we had before our eyes left little to the imagination as to what would become of him if he remained in the condition he was in, and it would take believing without seeing to encourage us in our walk with him. So again, I'm sitting in my car driving down the road thinking all of this when I hear a faint familiar song playing on the radio and had to turn it up. It was Livin' On a Prayer from Bon Jovi and suddenly, it was like God was singing it to me at that very moment, encouraging my heart with each lyric--

"Whoa, we're half way there
Whoa, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear. Whoa, livin' on a prayer!"

And then this part

"We've gotta hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got!"

I mean when it clicked in my head what was going on, I was immediately encouraged and I turned it up and rocked out with joy in my heart. I'm sure the other drivers on the road were freaked out at or laughing, one. I know I would be. Lol! But anyhow, I do not think that song playing was a coincidence, at all. God loves me and He meant for me to hear that song at that very moment. Then when the song was over, I laughed and looked up to the sky like, "Mmhm, I see what you did ther, Lord." Lol! Sometimes I feel like a car running on empty dealing with these kids, and especially during times like that, but today God's love and sense of humor filled me up and renewed my faith in what we're doing here.  I'm never alone, He's always with me. Be it during the meltdowns when I feel alone and helpless, or in a car by myself going down I-30, He's always with me.

And He's with YOU, too! ;)