Coming along!

We are swimming in paperwork!  Not to mention, this is only the beginning and there's still PLENTY more to come. Ha! I have about 80% of it done and we are just waiting until after the 1st of the year to get started on the actual tasks we have to do to further move through the process.  (I just realized how much I hate using the word "process;" it does no justice to describe what we're actually going through) Either way it's going to be so cool when we finally get past all of the legal hoopla and get started on finding our boy and preparing a place for him to come home to.  What completely blows my mind about the concept of getting ready for him is the fact that before we started officially working with Gladney, when Bobby and I would talk about it we would make a point to only say things like, "could adopt," "if it's possible," "if we have a son," because we were so afraid of getting our hopes up and then being let down for whatever reason.  I guess everything changed the day that Gladney accepted us into the program because that is when we both realized that we needed to start referring to him as "our son" and only speak of him and the whole adoption process (there goes that word again ::eyeroll::) as if it's already complete. Bottom line, Bobby and I both feel that speaking positive words over a situation can make a difference and with that, we now choose to speak of him as if he's not only just a hope in our heart but that he has always been there and is coming home. 

Since then it's been amazing to see how far we've come in our thinking about being parents and having him here. It's also been really fun to dream about what it will be like all the way around. We seriously can't wait to find him so we can pick out the colors, paint his room, and buy things to go in it; furniture, toys, clothes, all the fun stuff!  Don't get me wrong, we  both realize that becoming a parent  is no cakewalk, even more so for becoming parents of an "emotionally" challenged child.  Hardships at any rate are par for the course for what we're doing.  In actuality, all of this is apart of a learning process that has many stages of which we are only at the beginning.(Did I seriously use that word again?!)  We just really want everyone to trust that not only are we taking all the necessary steps to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally, but that God has been and is still preparing us for that day when it is all said and done.

All in all, every bit of the hard work and effort we've had to put in so far really pales in comparison to the excitement Bobby and I feel in our hearts when we think/talk about our son. Though the road will be mighty bumpy, we are up for the challenge because he is worth it.

At my feet

There aren't too many words that I can use to describe just how I'm feeling today. It's almost like suddenly everything, all of the emotion and weight of this course, decided to fall on me and I broke for a little while this afternoon. Not that I haven't realized what we're going to be up against when he gets here but that OUR SON, the child that God set us aside for, is hurting. My son is probably still going through abuse right now, even in foster care. Now I know that some of you are probably thinking that I should think more positively about all of this because it is a happy time, and it is, but beyond all that and statistically, some of the worse abuse happens to children after they've been removed from the home and while they're in the foster care system. Some of them are bounced around from place to place, have as much as 20-30 different homes and are even separated from their siblings before they are placed permanently. It's not enough that they are removed out of difficult situations, but that they are supposed to be safe now and are often not safe at all. Just thinking about this is completely overwhelming.

 

The only other way I can make it any clearer is that I feel like the gravity of what my son is going through or what he's had to endure was laid at my feet today and I just felt a deep need to cover and protect him. I don't even know what his name is or even have the slightest idea what he looks like at all but I already love him so much and want nothing more than to pick up the pieces and put it all back together. For what we are about to endure, it's almost not enough to just want to be a parent, it's more like a calling or fulfilling a purpose. I feel like this road that God chose for us to go down requires for us to hold a special burden in our hearts--to be the hero in a hopeless situation, and we want nothing more than to do that. I can't expect everyone to empathize with us or share our same feelings on the matter but it's nice to know that we have so many who are on our side and are routing for us.

 

For those of you who pray out there, please keep not only Bobby and I, but especially our son in your prayers. Pray for God to protect him while we are apart so that no more harm will come his way.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Trying it out

Throughout reading The Connected Child I've picked some tools  to communicate and diffuse a stressful situation for a child who's exhibiting maladaptive behavior. What's awesome about what I've learned so far is that I can practice these tools right now in the line of work that I am in--providing massage therapy to people with special needs, many of them who are also children.  In working on my younger clients, I have to deal with maladaptive behaviors frequently and what I've read in this book has completely opened my eyes on how to respond to each situation properly to get them to do what I need during their therapy.  For example, I have a client who has a sever personality disorder that affects his every day life and he often can't sit still or even relax at all. Most of the time he behaves for me during therapy, yet there are times that I can't get him to relax and stop rocking himself, or he will growl at me and refuse to comply with my requests. During our last appointment, I immediately put two and two together with this client and realized that, though he did not obtain this behavior through abuse, he had the exact same fear response that I had been reading about due to his personality disorder.  In the middle of our session, even though I was doing the exact same things he allowed me to do before, I noticed that he was having some difficulty sitting still and complying with my requests this time and that's when it dawned on me to try some of those tools I learned in the book to see if they would work.

Here's what Dr. Purvis says about this fear response, "We have encountered many harmed children who are not truly hyperactive; instead, they are hypervigilant.  This occurs when children were so traumatized by abusive and unpredictable caretakers or situations during their earlier lives that their primitive brain remains locked in a state of high alert, keeping them perpetually on guard." Some of the signs of this is the inability to sit still, are fidgety, have a rapid heart rate while seemingly calm, and have dilated pupils or even unnaturally tiny pupils as well.

Reading further, the book taught us how to respond to a child who's having a temper tantrum (which is usually out of fear/frustration); instead of being stern with them,  talking down to, or lecturing them about their behavior, the best thing to do is to keep a calm voice, get down on their level weather it be kneeling or sitting down, look them straight in the eye, and speak very simple words to communicate what you need them to do.  Dr. Purvis said that children who are developmentally delayed do not have the mental capacity to understand a lecture or complex adult like directions.  So this is exactly what I avoided.  I made sure to bring myself down to his level and looked into his eyes, I spoke to him very softly, and I asked him to take a deep breath and relax so we could finish his therapy and honest to God, IT ACTUALLY WORKED!  He had previously been growling at me and giving me this mean look while refusing to comply but as soon as I applied those principals to our session, he took a deep breath just as I requested, and laid down to finish the session!  Just like that, just like magic. 

I am amazed at some of these things that I am learning during our journey and I'm eager to learn more about how to be the best mom I can be to my son when he gets here.  No matter what his issues are, I promise that I will try 100% to give him the best childhood experience going forward. I will do anything to make up for what he's already been through. All in all, I am honored that God picked me to be someones mom and can't wait to see what's in store for our little family. : )

Hannah


PS: Talk about the grace of God putting me in this line of work so that I can gain some experience before our little one comes home. Wow, I am in awe.

The Connected Child

So we've completed exactly one third of the book that has to be read before our PAT classes at Gladney in January and we've gained a wealth of information so far.  One of the things that stuck out the most was an excerpt about different behavioral patterns in children, learning what they really mean, and how to move past those behaviors to get to know the "real child" inside. I'm positive this info will be very helpful in decoding certain behaviors when our son gets here. Here it is for your reading;

Pulls away from your embrace	I’ve never learned how to process touch, so being held is terrifying. I’ve been so badly hurt by abusive adults, I’m still learning to trust. I’ve never experienced appropriate nurturing affection from an adult, so this is all new and scary to me.
Approaches strangers indiscriminately	My care givers were not reliable and abandoned me, so I desperately seek security and approval wherever I am and how ever I can as a kind of insurance. I crave interactive and physical contact because of sensory processing disorder.
Becomes easily angry	I am terrified and trying to protect myself from a situation that resembles a terrible experience I had in the past. I am so frustrated because I don’t know how to express my feelings and needs. My blood sugar level is uncomfortably low, and I don’t know how to deal with my hunger appropriately. My body feels depleted—my brain chemistry is imbalanced, but I don’t know how to solve my problem. I am exhausted and need rest. Please don’t leave me alone; I am terrified of being abandoned again. I must be in control because I’ve never known trustworthy adults before.
Want to be left alone	I don’t know how to cope with my surroundings. Everything seems new or confusing and scary. I’m on a sensory overload and need to let my body relax and recharge.
Disobeys instructions	I don’t understand all the sounds and words coming at me because I was deprived of sound and language exposure when I was young and can’t process them effectively yet. I want to be in control because adults have always proven unreliable—I feel I can only depend on myself. I have learning delays that prevent my understanding these instructions.
Flirts or is sexually precocious	This was what I was trained to do because I was sexually abused by caregivers. Inappropriate sexuality was the only way I ever got positive attention when I was younger, and I don’t know how else to please people.
Acts bullying or aggressive	I’m treating others as I was treated. I’m scared and sad. My neurochemistry is unbalanced. I’m trying to numb my emotional pain by creating pain in you.
Restless and constantly fidgety	I must stay alert and prepared to defend myself at all times because in the past there was no adult to protect me.
Hoards or steals food	I was painfully hungry and under nourished and nearly starved before, and I am haunted by the fear it will happen again.
Fears walking home alone from school	I was attacked and abused during my early years, so I feel a deep need for protection.
Can’t sleep	I must stay alert and prepared to defend myself at all times because in the past I never knew when I would get hurt by the people I lived with. My brain chemistry is on fight-or-flight overdrive and can’t shut down.

And the journey begins...

You know I wish I could say there was a moment of epiphany when we realized that we wanted to adopt a child, but in fact when I reflect on the past; all the good bad and the ugly have brought us to this moment in time.

Most people out there who would like to be parents for numerous reasons-- to have a baby of their own they can nurture and teach them to do things, to have something to call their own and grow their families.  All of those things are perfectly natural and seem like a great idea for those people.  However, this is not the path Bobby and I want to travel at the moment.  Neither he nor I have the desire to conceive our own baby any time soon and we believe this feeling is also perfectly natural.  That’s not to say that we won’t eventually try to have a baby, but it is not for us at this time. Though we aren’t at the place to have a baby, we both agree that we are ready to be parents and are pursuing to adopt an older child from the state to call our own. 

 Now that I’ve said that, I’m sure you’re probably wondering why we’d choose to adopt from the state etc.  After all, those children come with a ton of baggage and numerous issues that will be hard to deal with, right?  Yes!  Of course! We actually desire to provide a family and a stable life to a child who doesn’t have one.  Without going into too much detail or speaking on Bobby’s behalf, I will say that I myself have endured all types of abuse throughout my lifetime but despite all that, God’s word remained true in my life and kept me on a course to this place. The Bible says, “All things work together for the GOOD of those who love God and who are called according to his purpose” and that means that He uses everything, EVEN THE TRAUMA,  to make me into EXACTLY the kind of mom needed for a child who’s been through the very same things I went through and more.  I was an abused child; I know what it feels like to be confused and feel like the situation is hopeless.  For that very reason, I KNOW I have what it takes to be the kind of mother of a child with those special needs. It’s amazing because I feel like I am literally watching my life story unfold  right now before my very eyes during this adoption process that proves once again that His word remains true.

Ultimately, I decided to start this blog so that we can record and share bits and pieces of this journey with our friends and family.  So if you’re reading this, my suggestion to you is to buckle up and brace yourself because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  WE CAN’T WAIT!!