We did it!

To those of you who somehow missed it...

!!WE GOT OUR BOYS!!

So much has happened over the past month it's unreal. There were times when I thought we'd never make it yet here we are standing in one piece though it took all of the joy, frustration, heartache, pain, blood, sweat, and tears we could muster up. After the holidays and January flying by without hearing anything I'll admit it, I had become cynical about the whole thing. Knowing that we'd followed the voice of God every step of the way and had done everything in our power to get somewhere with the boys caseworker, seemingly to no avail, I was DONE! Physically, mentally, and emotionally done. My heart ached for them and I struggled daily with thoughts that I couldn't put out of my mind. I thought that I could have done more or that maybe I missed what God was saying, it was awful! But it took one prayer and February, the month of love, to change everything!

On Friday January 24th I attended a Bible Study at my brothers house and one of the topics was learning to try God and trust that He can and will resolve any situation so at the end of the meeting, my brother challenged us to take one struggle in our lives and give it to Christ trusting him to fix it within 30 days.  So that's what I did!  I envisioned holding our adoption journey in both hands and literally throwing it at the feet of Christ and that's where I left it.  I was at the end of my rope, there was nothing left in our power that we could do to make things happen, nothing whatsoever, so why not?! Needless to say by that following Monday everything changed.  We got a new adoption caseworker and the boys caseworker FINALLY after all this time broke her silence and contacted our caseworker. I was SHOCKED!  To make a long story short we were eventually included in their staffing three weeks later (meeting of the minds to determine the best family for the kids) and we received recent pictures of them etc. But it wasn't until last Friday, February 21st (3 days before my 30 day challenge was to end) that we received the news that we were indeed selected to be their family and ironically that news came while I was in yet another Bible study at my brothers house.  Haha!  TGBTG!

So the plan for now is they are waiting until school is out for the summer to transition them home to us which we are fine with.  Not only will it give us time to get the house in order, but it will also give us time to spend our last moments as a couple "without" children. What's funny is that Bobby has always hoped that we'd have a summertime transition to make it easier on everyone so I guess God listened to that too and made it happen.  It's true, He gives us the desires of our heart and I stand in awe of Him daily.  He never ceases to amaze me and He's never let me down.

!!THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO'VE SUPPORTED US EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, YOUR LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS!!

Please keep us in your prayers as we move forward into our future with them.

Hannah

So much

Well it's officially January 1, 2014.  Remembering when we started this journey in Oct./Nov. 2012 I never once thought we'd be beginning 2014 still without our children but here we are. Just last night I was telling Bobby that I didn't know how on earth we made it this long not having them, it's been a tough ride.  I'll admit, the holidays were really rough and the anxiety was insurmountable.  I simply couldn't shake the feeling that my children were spending yet another holiday season in foster care.  I struggled daily to find things to be thankful for around Thanksgiving and all of Christmas was pretty much a blur. I felt like I was on autopilot just existing and doing what I thought I had to do for the time being. I purposely stayed away from friends and kept to myself for the sake of not wanting to dump my emotional mess on them. In my mind doing that wouldn't be fair, especially since I can't expect them to empathize with me during this unique stage in our lives. I'm am blessed though because Bobby was supportive every step of the way trying to uplift me the best he knew how regardless of the fact that he too felt the gravity of the situation in his own way.  One really good thing that kept us busy during that time was planning and participating in our church missions which catered to orphans during Christmas.  Bobby played Santa Clause at a Milk and Cookies party we threw for the children at the Texas Pythian Home and then on Christmas Eve we took dinner and music to the teens at an Emergency Youth Shelter here in Ft. Worth and served them.  These two things were a real blessing to me and bringing joy to otherwise hurting children helped to take my mind off of myself and how I felt.  Serving others was a welcomed break. 

Aside from not having our children for the holidays, much of what I was so anxious about was the fact that we were chosen as the #1 family for two boys in San Antonio and their file was due to arrive any day to which it did exactly a week before Christmas.  Though that sounds like a great thing, and it is to an extent, Bob and I were concerned because we had been waiting to hear something on another set of siblings that we fell head over heels for back in October at a match event.  Receiving the file so quickly for the other two boys meant that we'd have a very small time frame to read it and make a final decision (7 days at first but our Cw graciously extended it). To put it plainly, we felt we weren't prepared to make such a decision without knowing anything about the others we'd waited so long to hear about. Regardless of the situation, I drudged on and read all but maybe 300 pages of just about a 3000 page file before we made a decision together. Reading through the file was pretty eye opening and the majority of their file seemed pretty legit and forthcoming.  At first nothing stood out as too much of a concern as to why we shouldn't adopt them but when I got to their present day information (file went from 2006 to 2013) what I read helped us make a clearer decision and we decided not to pursue these boys any further.  It wasn't any one thing that was super significant but rather a behavior pattern that I started to see when I put everything together.  The older child had a particular behavior at every home and continued to have it despite receiving intense therapy twice weekly and behavioral interventions while in the therapeutic home they are presently living at for the last two years so we knew there was nothing we could do to help further, especially as new parents. With this being the first time for us to make such a tough decision, Bobby and I were surprised that we had so much peace about it and that only further confirmed and cemented the fact that we had made the right decision. 

So as for now we are still patiently waiting for God to move and bring our children home.  I don't know exactly when it will be or how long it will take but we are committed to doing whatever it takes to get there, even if that means more waiting. I've finally come to the realization that I don't want to look back on this time and remember how agonizing the waiting process was but instead look back and remember having joy.  As for 2014, I wouldn't call it a resolution but I would like to enlarge my personal boarder to include helping not just the orphan, but others who are lost and hurting.  I don't want to be afraid of getting my hands dirty for a particular cause if it means bringing someone joy and/or standing up in the face of adversity. I don't want to spend another minute feeling selfishly anxious about my own situation but begin to pour myself into helping others. Doing so would only bring me closer to God and that's all I truly long for at the moment. One thing the Lord has done personally for me through this entire process is spark a compassion of a greater magnitude in my heart for others that I really never had before.  I can look at others now and actually SEE them and their value as a human being aside from their physical/financial/moral/religious status. It's become easier to listen to someone speak and hear their heart over the nonsense and that helps me to avoid self-righteously judging them.  For that I am grateful. 

To our friends out there, don't be offended if we keep to ourselves in the hard moments, this journey can be rough and sometimes we just need to take a time out. We promise we still love everyone the same.  Thank you so much for your continued support and love and please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue on.


Hannah

Long bumpy road

Geez is it November already?! Exactly one year ago we were sitting and talking with my brother about his sermon at church for Orphan Sunday and never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd be called to this journey and patiently waiting for our children to come home in the same month a year later.  If it weren't for that day Bobby and I would have probably never thought adoption was possible and I am eternally grateful that we had that divine appointment.

In October we went to a match event in San Antonio where we met and interacted with some very adorable children.  Two of them were our top priority and we felt like we "found the ones!" However, so many times on this journey feelings can get overwhelming and what you thought was perfection ends up distorted and you start to feel like you don't know anymore.  Let me explain.  Exactly two weeks and two days after we met these two angels in San Antonio, their caseworker responded with news that they were displaying some "behaviors" and "a judge ordered that they not be placed until they are stabilized" which was left without an expected assessment date nor a promise of any amount of time at which they would be available again, and that raised more questions than anything!  By this point we were already discouraged because she'd not so much as responded to any of my caseworkers attempts to contact her about the boys so when we got this bit of info., we knew we had to get some answers quickly.  As emotionally invested as we already were, Bobby and I knew that it would be really hard to move forward not knowing if she was being truthful, because lets face it our broken system doesn't typically work that quickly and one just doesn't get before a judge within two weeks. Not only that, if she was being truthful, what behaviors?!  I mean one would think, and I'm speaking from experience because we've had this happen before, that she would AT LEAST send us a small summary on the boys so we could determine if we wanted to wait until they were "available" again or if we should move on because that is a valid option even if they aren't readily available for adoption.  BUT NO they were "no longer available for adoption" and that was it. So of course me being the person that I am, the person that God created me to be, THE HARD ASS, booked a flight to San Antonio that leaves on Tuesday so I could be present at an event that I know their caseworker will be attending for National Adoption Month to finally get some answers.  ; )

So, I booked my non-refundable flight last Friday and by Tuesday I had a message from my caseworker saying that we had been chosen to be in a selection staffing for two other boys by a different San Antonio caseworker at 4:30pm that afternoon and we were officially selected as the chosen family for those boys by Thursday.  So what that means is that the ball is in our court so to speak and if we want to adopt them, all we have to do is obtain the file (could take 2wks to 5 mo. to get -_-), look through their file and say "yes."  Needless to say I was shocked yet honored that she considered/selected us but it also left me confused asking God why he led me to book that flight if this was coming to fruition as well. Now when I say that God led me to do this, I'm really not joking.  Bobby and I prayed and prayed for two weeks straight after the San Antonio match event for the first two boys for their safety and for an answer from their caseworker and I asked God numerous times if I should go to the event and every time He said yes and that He would provide the money for me to do so AND HE DID.  I am still 100% unsure as to why I'm going but I know that God has the answer to that and will reveal it to me at some point.  The obvious good things that could come out of this trip are that I get to speak with the original two boys caseworker and see what those "behaviors" are and if she's even being truthful about the situation, and I will get another opportunity to speak with the other caseworker more in depth about the two boys we've been selected for.  I'm excited to go on this trip but on the other hand I'm nervous because this will be the 1st time that Bobby and I have been apart for a night since we've been married and it is also the 1st time I will be by myself in another city but I'm sure I'll be okay. 

I have to tell you though, for my believing friends out there, since we returned from the San Antonio match event, it seems like all hell has broken loose around us and that could only mean one thing-we're getting close! : )  For those of you who aren't familiar with what I'm talking about, the Bible clearly states in John 10:10 (and numerous other verses) that the thief (the devil) comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." You see, we were created in God's image so he hates every human being and wants to destroy everything he can get a hold of, especially those who love God. So because Bobby and I have been called according to Gods purpose to serve the orphan, the closer we get to carrying that out the more the enemy will try to stop us.  But despite all that, we're staying encouraged because God has promised us children and has equipped us with the knowledge of how to stay grounded and protected. Like Paul in Philippians 4, we have to learn to be "content in every situation and be anxious for nothing!"  No matter how hard we're being hit financially, or if our dog was poisoned and had to be put to sleep (which he was), if we are met with health problems in our families, if we are persecuted on our jobs, NO MATTER HOW BLEAK it gets, we have to trust God and be content! We KNOW we're doing the right thing not only because serving the orphan is a biblical commandment but if we weren't doing what God wants, the enemy wouldn't be trying so damn hard to destroy our journey.  You see, if he can't stop you in your tracks, he'll make sure to put as many potholes in the road as possible to steal your joy and make you want to quit. But quitting is NOT an option.

In the meantime please pray for where we're at right now and say a prayer that I'll have a good trip in San Antonio.  

Remembering His Promise

 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~Isaiah 30:21

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope." ~Psalm 119:49

Well we got the 1st call about a placement last week but before you question our enthusiasm or the lack there of, you first must understand that adoption is a journey with a very detailed map.  There are lots of paths you can travel to get to your destination, but like with any road map you have to choose your route carefully to avoid ending up at a dead end, or worse, somewhere you never intended to go.  Now with that being said, we were approached by our caseworker about a certain child who was apart of a failed adoption, meaning the current parents had already finalized and were now saying that they couldn't do it anymore and wanted to give up their rights.  Of course, just hearing this story broke our hearts for this child but at the same time, we knew we had to use our heads and also let God lead us to the right decision. I won't lie, our first inclination was to say "no" right away and that caused me some guilt, but the fact is, is this is a child, a human being, not something you can just pass off without a second thought.  As a matter of fact, in this life path, considering every detail and all possibilities is the best course of action.  In the hours after the call were pretty emotional. Bobby and I argued over the fact that this child was not what we had in mind and he was headstrong on his point of view but I myself felt slightly different about it all though not to the point to where I was swayed by my feelings at all. By the end of our heated discussion that lasted over a few phone calls throughout the day we both agreed that we should call our caseworker and get some more insight.  Later on, Bobby and I had a conference call with our worker and shared our concerns about the child and she said they were going to get as much info from the parents/doctors as they could and would report back to us with more clear information as to what the situation was. While we were waiting to hear back from our caseworker I took it upon myself to confide in my mom and another adoption sister through one of our support groups and I just kept on getting the same answer which cemented the feelings that this most likely wasn't our child. As you know, I am a Christian and as I've shared in previous blogs, exactly one year ago in a life changing moment I had with the Lord, He spoke clearly to me and told me that Bobby and I would have two children within a 1-1.5 yrs. Of course I laughed it off at the time and forgot about it but clearly the path was set and we were on our journey to adoption within a couple of months after that even before I had remembered what He said to me. So back to what I was saying, as I'm conversing with my family/adoption family about the details they are reminding me of what God said and here I am having to tell myself once again that God's word has never failed in my life and if He said it was going to be two children, this single child will not be ours.  Regardless of what we knew in our hearts, Bobby and I still just didn't feel comfortable with saying "no" so quickly and so we waited. Needless to say, I decided that 4 days was long enough and I sent my caseworker an email requesting an update on the child.  Within minutes she got back with me letting us know that the child was indeed not be a good fit for our family and would need to be put with someone who could offer some specialized care. Of course that answer was a huge sigh of relief and it made both of us feel better about that fact that we didn't have to say "no" though in the future we're going to be okay with that.  To be truthful, Bobby and I feel a little desperate at times and find it really hard not to want things to happen for us right now.  On one hand, waiting is a really tough thing to endure especially when we feel so ready to have our family completed and it's completely out of our control but on the other hand, in this situation especially, had we made a quick decision based on that tiny morsel of desperation, we would have ended up in a place much different than the one God intended us to be as a family. So the lesson learned on this part of our journey is to consider all of them, but listen to the voice of the Lord, remember His promises to us, and choose our route carefully.

Rants, raves, and other thoughts...

Here I am laying in bed sleepy yet unable to succumb to any type of peacefulness due to all these thoughts flying around my head. So because Bobby is already snoring like a grizzly bear riding a motor cycle, blogging is my only option.

**Warning** 

I'm in some kind of mood right now so if any of this is offensive, you'll eventually get over it. 

Either way, here goes nothin';

1. Waiting sucks but we're getting better at this patience thing.  After a while you sort of get use to the fact that you're not in control and you can't possibly make God, let along anyone else,  move any faster. Everything happens in the perfect timing though so knowing that has been our saving grace.
2. We realize now that a lot of people are completely uneducated about adoption so you folks can save your dumb and unnecessary comments about, "that one distant cousin of yours who adopted a teenager that stabbed her in her sleep" because they are no longer frightening nor do they effect us one bit.  
3. Keep comments like, "are you sure you want to do that" or "I'm sure if you keep trying you'll eventually get pregnant with your own" to yourself because those are STILL offensive. Fyi, our adopted children will be OURS and with that being said, not that our sex life is any of your business, but we didn't choose to adopt because we can't have a baby.
4. I'll be honest, it was completely eye opening for me to realize that not everyone, especially those that I expected to, has a heart for orphans but because of this realization, the words "many are called but few are chosen" now have come alive to me and I'm more than thankful that we have been chosen.
5. For those of you who know a someone who has a kid they aren't able to take care of who also needs a new mommy and daddy, it just simply doesn't work that way. 
6. Keep in mind they are a child 1st and an orphan 2nd so it's none of anyone's business but ours what kind of abuse/neglect the children we come in contact with have suffered.
7. No we're not opposed to adopting children of any race or age up to 13yrs old and we don't care how weird it will look if we choose children who don't look anything like us.
8. Not getting attached is the hardest thing to avoid doing but it's something we have to learn to do temporarily keep from getting our hearts broken over and over again before we find "the ones." 
9. This journey is really hard and if you can't find it in your heart to offer us anything but positivity, love, and support as we carry on, you are more than welcome to carry on in the opposite direction.
10. And last but not least, for those two hundred people who keep asking if we're going to have our children by Christmas....for the last time....and for the love of God.....WE DO NOT KNOW.

There I said it!  I'm sure there will be more later on but for now all of this has been expelled from the brain and I should totally be able to sleep in peace.....right?! @_@

Learning to guard our hearts

Yesterday was the very 1st match event we attended and I must say it was a HUGE eyeopener. We got there about an hour early and got the see the children and other families trickle in one by one.  The event took place at a park in Brenham, TX for all of the children from Region 7, which means Austin and surrounding areas. At the park was a large merry go round complete with horses and sleighs for the kids to ride, and a large covered pavilion with picnic tables where most of the people stayed during the day.  The kids had to go around with a list of questions to ask each adult that kept them circulating and mingling among all of the prospective parents so that was really sweet.  During our day we got to ride the merry go round with the children and Bobby got to play some sports with some of the kiddos playing a game called gaga ball. We just really had a lot of fun the entire time and though we only had two and a half hours with them, it seemed to go by slowly which made it well worth it as I was initially afraid we wouldn't have enough time to explore.  In the end we submitted written inquiries about two sets of sibling groups that both Bobby and I were interested in for one reason or another.  I won't go into too much detail about them b/c honestly that information is very personal to us and we oticed that when we have done that in the past, people offer up too many opinions, most of which we do not care to hear. Anyway, one set of the kiddos I was for sure interested in b/c they were the exact age range/race we were initially interested in but Bobby was a little leery about some of the info we got on 'em.  The other set were a sibling group of children that were way far from what we've envisioned initially but we both felt like we made a connection with them on a personal level so we decided to pursue writing up an inquiry about them at the very end of the day right before we left .  On the way home we beamed about the 2nd set and started envisioning what our life would be like with them and how we'd rearrange our lives to accommodate them in our home etc.  Both of us were all smiles and completely "sold" if you will, on the idea of welcoming them into our family. After we got home and when Bobby had already went to bed, I stayed up a little while longer and decided to pray over the situation since these children were a big leap from where we started and honestly from what we thought God was calling us to do in the beginning.  I just basically told the Lord that I wanted to seek his heart in this and to cast our cares/thoughts etc by the wayside b/c in the end this is the journey God has set for us, not the other way around.  So to make a long story short, after I went to bed and God woke me up at about 4am this morning from a dream where he more or less said NO to the 2nd set of kiddos we'd inquired about and reminded me of the word he gave me about our children back in September of last year which was very specific and unmistakable.  But at this point we'd already invested our hearts into pursuing these beautiful children and had discussed how we could make things work so I felt a little hurt yet understood that God has our best interest at heart and knows what he's doing.  After that happened, I laid awake for over an hour concerned as to how I was going to tell my husband, who's just as excited as I was about them that it wasn't going to be. I had to figure out away to let him know that the decision had been made and we could not in good conscience proceed with them and also have God's blessing on our family at the same time.  Once Bobby woke I told him the news and reasonably so he was as disheartened as I was and I will be honest, I shed some tears periodically today as well.  Truthfully, since this morning, we've been in contact leaning on each other for guidance and support throug out the day b/c this is the most difficult thing we've had to endure so far emotionally.  Looking back I now realize that going into the match event, we never once considered guarding our hearts against whatever may come our way to tug on our heartstrings and that left us a wide open target for this to happen.  We just went in openly and let things work on our emotions when we should have been a little more reserved.  One thing we both have to keep in mind at this point is that God has created children specifically for us and though there are a ton of other children who are just as awesome, who would also fit in our family, God's work is perfect and flawless and nothing that Bobby or I could set our hands to would ever compare to what he is preparing for us.  So at this point, we will not pursue those specific children, but instead, we are choosing to guard ourselves, and chase after God's heart b/c when we find it, there our children will be.  In the end I look at it this way, if he can tell us no in the most obvious and unmistakable way, he can also tell us YES when the time comes.

Please continue to pray for our journey, there is nothing easy about any of this and we need all of the spiritual and emotional support we can get. 

Great Success!

Well the sale went on without a hitch and despite being hot and tired at the end of the say, we had a great time!  We started setting up at 5:45am and by 7am we were up and running with a cup of coffee in hand.  Throughout the sale, we had a ton of friends come to shop and show their support and strangers who heard about our cause through FB and wanted to be a part of our day as well. Crazily enough, one lady even asked me for a flier and as our friend was telling her about what we were doing she asked me to sign it for her!! Haha! I was completely dumbfounded and all I could say was , "um....okay?" Lol!  She just said she thought it was awesome and was blessed to meet people like us so I went on ahead and signed it.  All day long we had people coming in droves to shop and the things we thought we'd never get rid of went first but the items we thought for sure would fly out the door just sat there.  Regardless of what sold, it was really a great experience to see just how many people like to give from their hearts. One thing I'm most grateful for in all this is our friends and family who showed up to help us.  Our best friend Catherine Lopez was there with us before daylight to help set up and get situated, not to mention used her Spanish skills to help out big time til the end of the sale!  She has been so supportive through out this entire journey volunteering wherever we needed help and for that we are eternally grateful.  We are also extremely appreciative of Bobby's cousin Debbie Cranfill who came from out of nowhere with her sweet kiddo's and rocked our socks off!!!  She brought lots of items to contribute to the sale and literally kept it well organized from beginning to end.  There wasn't an item out of place when she was around and if she wasn't shopping for herself, her kiddo's were shopping.  There were several times when we would have to tell her to take a break b/c she just wouldn't stop. THEN at the end of the day her husband came, bought more things, and loaded up every single leftover item and carted it over to Goodwill for us!!  We have had many more friends who donated to the sale or contributed their time to help sort/price items too.  Among those are Angela Layfield, Carolyn Bradford, Ashlee Linnea, Tonya Brazil, Dana Young, Kelly Csizmazia, and my mom.  Hopefully I am not missing anyone!  All in all we were completely blown away at the help we received! Pretty much all of the baked goods sold except for a few leftover that we brought home so that was awesome too.  I was scared b/c of this heatwave, I thought for sure the goodies would be melted and worthless by the time the sun was out but that just simply did not happen.  Because of where we sat up at in the lot, we were shaded by a neighboring building and a few large trees that kept the sun off of us the entire time!  Not to mention the weird breeze that kept sweeping through the canopy keeping us cool all day until the last hour or so of the sale.  It was really bizarre but I like to think of it as a blessing we received from God b/c I had prayed about the heat a few times this week prior to the sale. God didn't lower the temperature for us today but he made He sent that breeze to make it bearable enough to keep going! In the end, we had a wonderful sale and what started as three full truck loads of donated stuff was dwindled down to one truck load that we gladly donated ourselves to the next charity. Thanks to everyone's voice on FB, the people who saw our signs, memorabilia purchasers prior to the sale, and those that found out about it through CL, we were able to raise over $700 to help us with our cause.  I can't thank you all enough and I certainly can't thank God enough for blessing us with such amazing friends and resources.  God's blessings to everyone involved in helping us do what we hold so dear to our heart. 

Hannah