Pouring out

When I first started this blog to document our journey, I committed to transparency because my hope is that my family's account, will help someone else feel less isolated in their adoption journey (or journey with a similarly hard child), and see that there is hope and some sort of silver lining in all of this. Believe me, I realize the following message includes harsh words to speak about my own son, whom I chose to adopt, but I'm only saying them now because it's the truth, and I'm compelled to say it; not for my benefit, but for the benefit of someone else out there who may have needed to read it.

Reality is, our hearts were broken, we were confused, and going through all of this privately has seriously been so incredibly devastating and scary. 

We've had the week from hell, literally. I won't go into detail because it's private and frankly, not necessary, but just so you know the gravity of what I'm talking about, we had no choice but to call the authorities on my oldest son, Noah, and pending a lengthy investigation, he could end up going to jail. So we're potentially up against some very hard things coming up. However, you have to understand that just as He has from the beginning of our adoption journey with our boys, the Lord has been with us, continually guiding our steps, even through this extremely difficult season, and this particular blog entry is a testament to God's grace for my son and our family. 

Honestly, though I have a strong relationship with Jesus, I haven't been faithfully going to church, but rather, catching a service here and there over the past year or so. Not that it's a reasonable excuse, but personally, my husband works so much, and the kids require an incredible amount of our energy daily, that come the weekend, I truly just want to rest and enjoy being with him at home. Yet, this week as our nightmare played out, I've been experiencing so many types of emotions wondering how this will all work out and what life going forward with my son is going to look like. I felt like everything I thought I knew about him was a lie, and what little bit of trust we had built up in our relationship over the last four years was gone. I had palpable anger and resentment toward him, questioning how he could be so stupid to put us through this, and that made me question my love for him, our journey this far with him, including all the progress he has made and if it was ever even genuine, or if he was just going through the motions to get us off his back. I actually expressed to my husband privately, that with all we've been through, I don't know if I even want to do it anymore, if I even wanted him to be here anymore. I honestly pondered if he'll ever lead a "normal" life, or end up the psychopath he appeared to be during this time, because we truly could not see him express any type of empathy or remorse for his choices, and heard only the blaming of others for the reason he got into this mess. So anyway, after going through all of this emotional turmoil, I have been studying the word and trying to connect with the Lord on what we should do and how we should proceed being Noah's parents, because it felt like we literally lost all direction. I had been praying for for guidance and a word from God, so when I realized it was Wednesday, I arranged for the kids and I to attend church in hopes we would get something, literally anything that could shed some light on what we should do next.

Since Noah is now 13 and too old for children's church at the one we attend, he was with me in the main sanctuary. The music was great, as always, but the message seemed like it was literally tailored with Noah in mind. The pastor spoke of things that directly correlated with what my son struggles deeply with and I could tell he was really taking in what the man was saying, which pleased me. I spent the service listening and pondering how I was glad I brought him and hoped it would "stick" because we needed all the help we could get with him at this point. Once the pastor closed his sermon, they started to play music and opened the alter for anyone to come up and receive prayer. I immediately got up and grabbed Noah's arm, propelled him into the aisle and directed him toward the front. He has never gone to the front to receive prayer before, so he literally froze in front of me. Like his legs stiffened up and he turned to look at me with a look of sheer terror on his face, so I grabbed his shoulders, whipped him back around, pushed him forward and said with authority, "GO!" He moved a few more steps and stiffened up again, so I kept prodding him forward until he was finally at the very front, right in front of the alter among about 20 or 30 other people. As the music played, standing behind him, I put my hands on his shoulders and as the pastor prayed over the crowd, I began to pray over my son. Once I opened my mouth, my voice went from a whisper to a roar and I realized the Lord took over and had me warring in prayer over my son, saying words completely opposite of how I had been feeling every day this week; life giving words. It was then when I felt my son break under my touch and double over in tears, praying for forgiveness, and pouring himself out before Jesus. He was freeing himself before God! All of the trauma, all of the mess that has been his life was literally pouring out of his body, and his spirit was being transformed right before me. I opened my eyes briefly and realized that during this "prophetic prayer" that was coming out of my mouth, my voice had gotten so loud that others around us heard and began praying with us, laying hands on us in agreement for my sons soul. It was SO POWERFUL! I felt like the Hannah in the Bible, drunk before God, begging Him for a son that she'd commit to Him if he blessed her, storming the gates of heaven for MY child. The words coming out were not my words, they were God's word for Noah on my behalf, utterances I couldn't seem to find this week among all of the disappointment and resentment, words Noah's soul needed to hear to transform him. Once prayer begin to die down and dissipate, another young man came and prayed for him. Then as we were walking back, and older man came up and grabbed him and prayed for him. Noah was bawling and holding onto this mans shirt as if he was in the middle of the ocean clinging onto a life raft, while he whispered into his ear. Once we finally made it back to our seat, I hugged my son and told him that I know he has some tough things coming up, and though he has to go through it because of what he did, that his actions don't change that he is still our son, and that we will walk with him through it as a family. It was then my son said the most honest thing I've ever heard him say. He looked up at me wiping the tears from his eye and said, "Momma, momma, thank you for loving me. Thank you so much for loving me. I've never had anyone love me as much as you and dad, and I want you to know I appreciate it. Mom, I want you to know that I know in my heart that I would not be a normal person if you hadn't have adopted me. It's because you and dad love me that I am who I am now. Thank you for loving me, mom. Thank you for bringing me here, I really needed this." Right there in our embrace, his words made me realize that my son gets it, he really gets it. And with the healing my son received tonight, I know he is going to be okay, WE are going to be okay. God is going to get us through the hardship that is to come and even if nothing happens with his case, going through this was worth the miracle that followed. I'm convinced, it was ordered of the Lord! I can rest now knowing that God fully intends to carry out the plan and a purpose for Noah's life that He told me about before we got him, and nothing, no devil in hell, can stop it.

Please be in prayer with us in the upcoming weeks as we go through the legal process. I personally don't want leniency, because I feel Noah needs to go through this hardship as it plays out naturally, to understand the gravity and consequences of his choices, but I want God's will to prevail above all, as His ways are not our ways.

Hannah