Her

I wish she could see them the way I see them. How precious they are, how they didn't deserve to be left. How they didn't deserve to go through everything she let them go through because of her laziness and unwillingness to provide safety. Their pain is now my frustrating pain. Picking up where she left off many years before I came along has been the single most difficult thing I've ever done. I hate that because of her actions, my son has sadness deep inside that festered into a palpable anger because he didn't feel safe enough to express his sorrow to strangers while in foster care. I hate that Asher says he still just wants to be a baby because he had that stage of his life stripped away too soon. He learned to walk with a foster mom. He lost his first tooth at our house within six months of being here with us. Noah's socially awkward and lacks communication skills because he was grieving too hard during the stage of his childhood when you learn those things. It's an outrage! It should not have happened this way! I love the saving grace of adoption, but the fact of the matter is, children should never have to go through that magnitude of pain in the first place! I realize it's a fact of life that things happen and kids end up in bad situations, so I'm grateful that we are the people we are, because it could be much worse. But I'm still angered and saddened by it. It angers me to endure Asher breaking/destroying things because he wants to see if we'll finally get upset enough to abandon him like she did. It cuts me like a knife every time Noah ridiculously bully's his brother and pumps himself up/talks about how amazing he is all the time to scratch that itch inside that constantly screams he's simply not good enough as he is. No matter how much we tell them we're not going anywhere, that adoption is forever, they still believe in the depths of their soul that if their own birth parents hurt and left them, we will too, someday. It's a never ending battle, every single day to prove ourselves. Going to a new restaurant shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is when you've been moved so many times, the words "lets go somewhere different, tonight" is an instant trigger. Fidgety fingers, body movements, disrespect all the way there. Then the ride home is more drama because they're exhausted from being at a new place. There's more but there's not enough time, nor space, to go through it all here. The truth is, they're amazing boys. Deep inside each of them is a precious little being that is has been pushed down and protected by the hurts, anxiety, and frustration of being let down over and over and over again. Sometimes their preciousness come out to play, and it lights our world up when they do. Asher is a giver, a sharer, a child that loves to connect to others. His laughter is infectious. He's funny, incredibly handsome, loves action, and is forever playful. Noah is naturally quiet, careful, and loves to learn everything there is to know about whatever subject he is interested in. He has a passion for animals, and loves spending time with them. But for someone who's so important to them, she doesn't have a clue who they even are, and the sad thing is, she wouldn't even know them if she walked past them on the street. It shouldn't be that way! It should never have come to this! But I gladly stepped up and I will continue to forge on through the brokenness for as long as God allows me to. She may have given them life, but I am and will always be their mother.