Today I didn't fail

It's no secret, I have a tumultuous relationship with Noah, my 12yr old. Partly because he's 12 and has an over-sized attitude, but mostly because he has fought against having a relationship with me since the time he came here. I can go into what the experts say about kids from hard places, who are adopted, to let you know why he has been this way to me, but that is not the point of this blog. Just know that he holds a lot of resentment towards all moms/mother figures, specifically. And man is it tough! I mean, him being that way flat makes it difficult for me, the one on the reciprocating end, to actually want to continue to try after getting shut down and rejected over and over again. I can compare it to someone going into a burning house to save a pet or loved one. You know it's dangerous, you're going to get burned or may even die, but you do it anyway because you have to and have no other choice. That's exactly the way it feels trying to bond with a kid who does this. It can be very isolating, painful, and downright uncomfortable, and feeling like you're failing over and over is in itself, humiliating. Really, though, who likes to fail all the time?! Who literally signs up to do something again and again that they know they're going to fail at? Sounds ridiculous, right? Well that's because it is, and this is the way it feels for many adoptive parents at some point or another. This is not how I pictured adoption, either, but that's what I get from one of my children, anyway. I was not prepared to have a child in my home that I have a hard time liking some days. Make no mistake in my words, here, because I do love him, very much so. But liking him is a feat on bad days. He's a very likable and funny kid when he wants to be, and that's what has made all the bad times worth it up to this point. But his bad days are almost unbearable.





But today I didn't fail. Today I didn't fail when I was set up to fail. I did not fail despite the odds of failing so many times before, knowing I would most likely fail. Even knowing that failing again would hurt, I still nervously moved forward into the fire AND I DID NOT FAIL.

As the end of summer and the beginning of the new school year is approaching, Noah has been spiraling downward. His attitude has been foul, he has been super disrespectful to Bob and I, and ugly to his brother. Those that are in the foster/adoption community know about triggers, and any type of change can trigger these kids, who are so emotionally immature, into behaving terribly. This issue is even prevalent in children who aren't from hard places, but the backlash from it is worse from children from care who have no ability or very little ability to regulate their emotions. Tantrums that can last hours, putting the whole family through unimaginable stress. Visits to the mental hospital, respite homes, or residential treatment facilities are even common. This is what us parents have to deal with when transitions trigger our special kids. So back to what I was saying, Noah has been progressively getting worse, the closer we get to school starting. Bob and the boys got up early, while I slept in, this morning, and went school supplies shopping at Walmart. When they got home, I could tell that Noah was having a tough time by the look on his face, yet when I asked Bob about it, he stated that he was a great help at the store and didn't have any problems. Since I woke up late and missed breakfast, I left to CFA to get some lunch. When I came home, Bob had a worried look on his face and let me know that today was probably not going to be a good day. That while I was gone, Noah got ugly and pushed Asher and started crying, something he has notoriously done right before a huge blowup, but that he was currently in his room cooling off. I ate my food but was milling it over, knowing that the root of the issue was that he was nervous and upset about school starting, but didn't know if I should be the one to talk to him about it, being that he fights me so much. Everything inside me told me not to do it, that it was a bad idea. To let him cool down on his own to keep the peace in the house. But then again, I had a deep prodding voice inside saying that I am his mom, I know what he needs, and I shouldn't be afraid to step up, so that's what I did. However, I made up my mind that I was not going to lead with anything but love and understanding this time. That I was not going to let him frustrate me with his word play and condescending tone of voice, and would still lead with love in spite of his decision to reject me, in hopes that it would work. When I stood up and headed in that direction, Bobby was NOT happy about it, and reasonably so. He immediately got frustrated and said something along the lines of, "Great, I just want to have a good Saturday and not deal with what's about to happen." But I felt too compelled and went in there anyway. 

When I stepped into his room, I just calmly stated that I noticed he was struggling to be respectful and nice to everyone and that I wished he could somehow communicate with us to let us know what's going on with him so that he wasn't in such a bad mood all the time. I made a point to say that I was not angry with him, he wasn't in trouble, and that I was only in there because I loved him. I let him know that I thought it was because he was nervous about school starting and if he'd like to talk about it, I'm here for him. Right off the bat, he started with his same old tactics, talking about Asher, how he doesn't like what he does, that he's not even thinking about school, he's just normal, he doesn't know what I'm talking about and feels like everyone else is the problem. So I reiterated that I wasn't in there to talk about anyone else but him, that I noticed he has had issues getting along with everyone in the house, but I loved him, he wasn't in trouble, I wasn't angry, and was there for him. He continued to escalate, talked over me, got more combative with his words, and even started crying some. I stood there nervously proceeding, saying everything I said again, that I know it's because of school, and I loved him, and wasn't angry. He tried to continue talking about what others were doing wrong, so I repeated the same thing again, reiterating that my wishes were that he would talk to us about his worries instead of being ugly. I swear I must have repeated that same gesture several different ways at least ten times. But I guess he finally got to a point where he felt like he had nowhere else to go, so what he stored deep inside finally started spilling out. Through his tears he said loudly, "I'm not worried about the school bullies, because they probably all failed 6th grade anyway. I'm not worried because 7th grade schoolwork is going to be harder. I'm not worried because I know I'll have friends. I'm not worried, I'm just normal, and I don't know what you're talking about!!" So instead of listeing to him "not" being worried, I responded with, "Oh so that's what it is! Of course! And it's 100% normal for you to be worried about those things. I worried about all that myself when I was your age. I just wish you would talk about it instead of hold it in and be ugly to everyone." It was then that he looked up at me with a look in his eye that seemed to say 'help!' and said, "BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW!! THAT TAKES TIME, I CAN'T JUST DO THAT SO EASILY!" and resumed bawling on the floor. I gently sat down on the floor with him, told him to come to me. Now picture him, a 12yo crawling up in my lap being held like a baby on the floor. I was so uncomfortable, out of my element, since everything inside me wanted to run because it felt unsafe. But then again, I had just stepped into exactly the element God created for me to be in. I hesitantly stroked his his face, told him I loved him, we all loved him as his family. I told him this is what parents are for, because he was not created to deal with the world and all his problems alone, that we were for him. I even said, "I know I don't tell you enough, but I love you, son. I worry about you, your well being and happiness all the time. I just want you to be happy, and part of that is wanting you to come to me when you're upset. That's my job as a mother. That's what being in a family is all about." He then sobbingly said, "So this is what I'm supposed to do? It may take time for me to learn this. I can't just do that so quickly." And I responded, "It's okay, I just need you to try. It's when you behave ugly that it hurts me and frustrates me. But if you come to me like this, I will always embrace you."

As I was holding him, tears streamed down my face. At the same time he was being healed, I was healing as well. At that moment, I noticed that he was taking deep breaths, so I asked, "Do you feel better now?" He said, "Yes, but I'm not sure why or how that worked." I told him, "Isn't that funny? It's the power of love and someone who cares for you, holding you and it works every time."  Before I got up and left his room, I took and looked down at his hands. I caressed them with my fingers, following every line with mine, feeling in my heart that, no, this hand was not as small as the hand I imagined my son would have so long ago, but that it was still meant to hold mine. God meant him for my family, ALL that encompasses Noah. No matter how dark the days are, God meant him for my family and he is MY son. I asked him if he wanted me to pray for him right there, like my parents did for me, or if not, I would pray for him when I laid down to go to sleep tonight, and he said, "No, just wait 'til you go to sleep. Your parents always did that for you?" I said, "Absolutely! Every time I had a problem I would talk to them about it and they would pray for me. They still do! Parents are supposed to be there for you until the day they die, and dad and I will do the same."

So today, I finally learned how to lead with pure love, in spite of fears, rejection, and frustrations. Just like the Bible says, LOVE NEVER FAILS, and by that truth, I did not fail today. I'm even crying as I'm typing this because that's how strong of a breakthrough it was. I know for a fact that the Lord was with me, because I had every voice in my head telling me not to go in there, but proceeded out of faith that maybe, JUST MAYBE, this time it will be different. So many other times I listened and stayed in my own safe place while my son was left to "burn in that house all alone," dealing with all of that on his own. God forgive me! Thank you Lord for pushing me past my comfort level to the breakthrough my son and I needed today. Oh God continue to break me and shape me into the woman and mother you want me to be. Do the same for other parent's reading this who are in the trenches of foster care and adoption. Push us past our comfort level into unimaginable growth with our children! Let us see past the hardness of these children's hearts and view them as the being you intended them to be, to see the way YOU see them God. May we never give up, even though we fall, may we always shake the dust off and try again. Thank you God for our calling, the purpose by which you created us. To fulfill a high calling of being a father and mother to the lonely and fatherless, a help to those in need. Amen!


Signed,
Hannah Biffel