I am a good Mom!
Trust me, I know we get secretly judged (and sometimes not so secretly) by those that think we're too hard on our boys and going about this parenting thing all wrong. In all honesty, you may be right sometimes, but the fact of the matter is, we stepped in when others stepped out, and that alone makes up for all that. At least we're trying! We have some hard times. And by hard I mean DARK--in every sense of the word. Things so difficult, you there, sitting there in your pajamas drinking your coffee with your wee little's happily frolicking around on this fine morning, would be curled up in in a fetal position on the floor, crying and begging to stop the madness. How do I know?! Because that was me in the beginning (minus the wee little's), before I grew a pair and saddled up for the long haul in the face of constant adversity with these two. We were not prepared for the hurricane that is Asher and Noah, but quitting was not an option.
"Oh but you have to hug and kiss them and love on them every day. That's what they need!"
Sounds legit, right? WRONG! DEAD WRONG! What would you do with a child that says he wants a hug, but when you try, goes rigid and behaves as if he wants as far away from you as possible?! I'm lucky if I get a hug on a good day, but any stranger in town can get as many hugs as they want. (Pshhh) Try kissing a kid who's dodging you on purpose. I'm happy if Noah actually wants to have a conversation with me without behaving like a three year old to get out of speaking to me for more than a minute or two. How would you react if you said, "I love you" to them and got an "Okay" or "Thanks" in return? How about doing something really nice for them and having to ask for a thank you from two kids who've never had anything before coming here? You'd figure they'd be extremely appreciative and excited, but instead you get forced appreciation, eye rolls, and behaviors that include screaming and yelling "You never give me anything!" (yes that actually happened) Why? Because if they show any amount of genuine appreciation for anything we, their parents, give/do for them, that must mean we have control over their emotions and giving any amount of control away is not an option. My point is, Love is not enough--listen to me now, it's NOT enough. I cannot heal my children's trauma with love alone. I cannot make them behave appropriately by always hugging, kissing, petting and sweet talking them. How can you give a child enough love, who is terrified love in the first place?! Yep, that's right, I said TERRIFIED OF LOVE. Just let that sink in a minute. I wondered why God would choose these tough kiddos for me in the beginning, and though I still don't know the answer, I can see now how he's using the experience with my sons, to work out something greater in me. Because in the very least, being their mom, requires ALL the fruits of the spirit, most of which, I do not have yet. "Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..." Galations 5:22 So far I think out of all of these, longsuffering is the only one I really have down, and even that's questionable at times. ;) Hahaha!
But we do have good times, lots and lots of good times. They may not look anything like yours, but they're good indeed. Because of us, Noah is no longer in a self contained behavior class at school and got awards for being the most helpful in class. AND he no longer acts as if he's 'cuckoo bird' on a daily basis! (He was really convincing at first, too) Because of us, Asher is off of all medication, and is about to be tested for the gifted and talented program at school. Sometimes I take a break from being a mean mom to stay up half the night making costumes for my kids school programs. When Bob isn't being a drill sergeant dad, he's bringing home treats and shopping on his lunch break for things he knows the boys like. We have inside jokes, we laugh together, we see movies, we enjoy each others company, and so much more! You may read my laments and get annoyed, but you don't see me scouring the internet for help, for summer camps, for answers, for ways to parent my boys better, for information about attachment disorders, for other parents in similar situation that I can relate to (because there aren't many of us out there). I am not a mother in the traditional sense, but I am still a mother, and a damn good one at that. And we are a real family!
You may be looking at my posts and rolling your eyes, thinking "Oh great, here comes more negativity..." and if you are, this blog isn't for you and I have no apology to offer. Being judged by others when you already feel defeated and low, is not a fun place to be. This is for parents who are reading this thinking, "She understands! She gets it!" I may be the only one some have seen actually telling it like it is. Some folks are just barely finding out that adoption isn't always rainbows and unicorns, and the movie Annie was FICTION!! If by sharing our gritty love story I can help just one parent feel as if they're not as alone and isolated as we felt, then I've successfully done what I set out to do. Keep in mind, social media isn't real life, it's only a "highlight reel" to quote another blogger. I am 100% okay with the fact that my highlight reel is a place where happiness meets messiness, because that's the spice of life. So with all this being said, I can sit here and have the satisfaction of knowing that regardless of what others think of me, MY CHILDREN, the ones I am doing all of this for, think I am pretty, kind, and above all, A GOOD MOM.
