One of the most frustrating, yet security promoting, things a parent can do for their their child, is to nail it in that their spouse comes before all others.
I remember being a teenager, mad at my mom for some dumb reason, having the audacity to complain to my dad about her, and he ALWAYS took her side and refused to let my disrespect govern his feelings for her. He made it clear that whether she was wrong or right, was none of my business, and he flat out refused to discuss it with me during those times. Over and over throughout my childhood, they stood together, countless times, as a united front. Boy it would piss me off when it was against me, but it sent a strong message that they were unbreakable, and blood or not, some punk kid with an attitude wasn't a match against the rock that their marriage was. I would eventually get over whatever it was, but the message they sent, though harsh, soothed my soul during other rough times. Sure we were a family unit, and we all stood by and protected eachother on any given day, but us kids knew that come hell or high water, our parents weren't going to be separated. Their example is what I also wanted in a marriage for myself. They aren't perfect by any means, but they are completely committed to eachother. They're still married to this day-- it'll be 41 years in September.
Tonight I got to see that very scene play out in my home with my husband and son. There stood Noah, fresh out of the hospital for behavior so disrespectful toward me last week, that he was almost sent to juvenile hall, cowardly facing my husband, whom he hadn't seen since the day before the incident. You see, Noah can seem like a regular kid when it suits him, but deep down he has a disdain for all women and he doesn't mind throwing is weight around against one if he feels the need. Afterall, his own 'mother' gave him up, so why should he respect me? I'm no better than her in his eyes right now.
But prior to last week's incident, his relationship with Bob had been top notch. He treated him with the upmost respect, loved doing all sorts of things with/for his dad, absorbed all of his attention, gave him hugs/kisses, all the while purposely snubbing me daily with that deep anger in such subtle ways that even Bob missed it most of the time. This behavior is called triangulation and is common for kids with attachment issues to use, and boy they're good at it! For example, he'd sit on the same side as Bob out at dinner and smile/converse with him while simultaneously shooting me hateful glares and making underhanded remarks etc. Then when I would correct what I saw, Bob was confused and clueless as to what I was referring to because Noah is that good at hiding his behavior in plain sight. I'd tell him over and over what he was doing and sometimes he would catch and correct it, but a lot of it would fly right past him. But at this point, Noah had been getting away with this behavior and more toward me for quite some time and it was really wearing me down. Because he has so little respect for anything I said to him, my corrections were futile and fell on deaf ears. He'd say, "yes ma'am" and then go right back to doing the same thing. In all honesty, there have been times that I felt helpless, because I wanted so badly for Bob to step up and put an end to it, yet how could he truly do that if he couldn't see what I saw when he wasn't looking or worse, when he was at work? He believed what I said was happening, but because he missed so much of it, he didn't see that it was getting worse.
However, with all that being said, the poor child had no idea what he was up against doing what he did last week. Had he not finally gotten so out of hand with me and crossed a major line, Bob probably wouldn't have ever known just how truly hateful he was towards me, and Noah would have just kept getting away with it. Noah didn't have a clue that his behavior last week would show his true colors so profoundly that it would strike a cord in Bobby, his child mind couldn't even fathom. All he had seen in his eleven short years on this earth is that families don't last forever and that his behavior has the power to cause enough turmoil to mess everything up. In his mind, he might as well ruin this whole 'scary family thing' and get it over with so he can prove to himself once again that we're not trustworthy, just like everyone else. However, instead of all that happening, we were still the forever family that picked him up from the hospital despite his ugliness towards me, not the caseworker he probably expected after this last stunt he pulled. I know he thought deep down inside that he had finally ruined everything for good. That alone got him to the core. When we got home, and as soon as we walked in the door, my husband stood there in all his glory and made Noah face him and look him in the eye, and with the authority of an amazing husband and father, just like my dad did to me, Bob made it crystal clear that he wasn't going to disrespect his wife and best friend anymore, and that there wasn't anything he could do to separate us at any given time. After all, it was God who put us together in the first place. I know hearing those words and seeing how serious Bob was, stung Noah the same way they stung me as a kid, but I also know that his soul got the message and he will gain a security he's never had before because of this moment. Until tonight, Noah probably had no real idea what the role of a true committed husband looked like, but he sure does now. And he now has a picture of the husband he can aspire to be like, when he's grown. I'm so proud of Bob, not only for defending and protecting me, but for proving to Noah that our family began with he and I first and foremost, and we are unbreakable.
Please keep our family in your prayers, we need all the divine help we can get.
