Visit aftermath

So we had a sibling visit last weekend. It was the first time my boys have seen their sister in 4 or 5yrs. So far, Noah, the one I'd expect to have behavior issues in the aftermath, is doing great and I couldn't be more proud of him. I mean he has come so far. But lord help me, my youngest has lost his damn mind!!! We've always struggled with him and his behavior at school but this time it's like there's nothing we can do to get him to stop. He has been terrible at school all week, extra terrible today, and then when I went to get him from Boys Club this evening after work, he had a 1-day suspension for typing the 'F' word on the computer and showing it to other kids. The child is already grounded until his behavior improves but he doesn't seem to mind at all. I told him tonight that it didn't matter how bad he behaved, he wasn't going anywhere, and he cried, but I'm afraid that now he will see me saying that as a challenge to try harder to get kicked out! Ugh!! I'm trying my hardest to draw close to him because I know he needs my support, but MAN IT'S HARD to want to keep it up. Like I've said before, no one wants to hug a porcupine. Please pray for us, this is really tough.

Hannah

Praise Report

Some of y'all know about the struggles we have had with our oldest son Noah, but to briefly fill you in, he was hospitalized four times last year due to extremely destructive and violent tantrums/behavior; the last time being at the end of December when he got physically violent with me and was almost arrested.

With that being said, when he got out in January, my husband and I made a few small changes in how we dealt with him and his behavior, mostly just taking the bulk of the disciplinary responsibilities off of me and giving more to Bob. This has really helped for Noah to see that Bob and I are a united front and that he must show me the same respect that he shows his dad, which was not happening at all before. In addition to that, we let him know after this specific incident that our intentions were to admit him to the state hospital in Wichita Falls for thirty days if he kept escalating, and if that didn't work, we would seek to place him in a residential treatment facility when the time came. From there, if he still didn't improve, we would have him placed in an outpatient respite program where he would live, attend school, and receive therapy five days a week and come home only on the weekends. We made sure to explain that being admitted to any of those places didn't change the fact that he was still our son, and going there was 100% dependent on his actions going forward. We made it clear that it wasn't something we were going to do TO him, but that he was making the choice to go if he kept escalating. We've known for a long time that his choices have been his biggest issue. My son does have emotional struggles from past trauma, but he is not mentally ill and has full control over the choice to escalate at any point. We've seen him numerous times control his temper when it suits him better, as well as choose to escalate in the same manner. For those of you who think our tentative plans seem harsh, you have to understand that making decisions like this is not at all what we desire to do, and it really hurts to carry the burden of that possibility, but he had become a danger to himself and the rest of us. We have had ongoing behavioral problems from him weekly but the kicker has always been the enormous blow ups he has, like clockwork, every other month since he got here in mid 2014.  

After he got home, because he had gotten physically violent with me, he was grounded solely to reading books with no end until we saw a significant changes in his behavior. Coming off of being grounded was to be a process in which he would earn only one thing/activity back at a time to keep him on the right track as time goes on. It was at the end of the last school year that we started grounding the boys to books because we saw that nothing else but boredom compelled them to want to do better, and trust me, we tried so many other tactics before resolving to that one.  Plus, Noah was behind in reading so I was hoping that as much time as he spent being grounded, in the very least, he might become a better reader. I figured if that happened, it would be somewhat of a consolation prize if grounding him didn't help either.  Haha!  So here's where the praise report comes in, which is actually a double praise report.  At the beginning of fifth grade, Noah was reading at a third grade level, however, at his ARD meeting this past Thursday, I was informed that he is now reading at his current grade level!! Woot woot!! I told his teachers about my "groundation plan" and they all laughed and one even said, "Well it sure worked out for him!" He even passed the reading portion of the STAAR test and greatly exceeded his previous scores. Also, there is a reading program at school where they can earn a coupon for a free Braums ice-cream cone for every six chapter books they read as long as they pass a quiz for each one proving they read it.  Guess how many my kiddo has saved up to date?  I think we counted eight coupons so far, which is forty-eight books since the beginning of the school year. I think he has read more books than I have read in my entire life. Haha! We are so incredibly proud. 

Now I said there was a second part to this praise report so here it is.  Since he got home in January from his last hospital stay, we have had zero, let me repeat that, Z-E-R-O, ZIP, NIL, NADA, NOT EVEN ONE single tantrum or blowup.  Sure he's had his smart mouth tween moments, like every other kid his age, but that is it. I'll be honest, I've been wanting to but was reluctant to shout this from the rooftops or blog about it lately but didn't in fear of speaking too soon. Yet after what happened today, I have every bit of confidence that we are on a very positive road with him.  This afternoon, he and Asher were playing outside and Noah came inside, seemingly in that mode to where we can tell by the look on his face and his body language that he is about to blow, so I separated them and sent Noah to his room and Asher to watch TV in another room. I was really nervous and had somewhat of mild anxiety attack sitting and waiting for the shoe to drop, but when Bob went into his room to check to see if he was going to be able to get past it without having a major meltdown, he simply said, "Dad, I told you a while back that I wasn't going to do that anymore, and I meant it."  And that was the end of it.  He shaped up, even apologized to Asher for being ugly to him while playing outside and moved on.  CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE THAT?? I am ecstatic!  April 28th will be exactly four months since he has had a major incident. Not to mention, the relationship between he and I has remarkably improved.  It took me about a month to warm back up to him after what happened in January, but since then, seeing him try so hard to be respectful and make better choices has made life a lot easier around here. He's an amazing kid and I can't wait to see what else is in store for him as he is improving.  :) Bob and I are not experts at this, far from it actually, but we will never cease at trying to find whatever it is that works. Parenting alone is tough without the trauma, but if Bob and I can do this, not having any personal parenting experience whatsoever in the beginning, anyone else can, too. Here's to rejoicing with each others progress, both small and great, because it all counts with our special children.

PS: And just so you know he has earned some things back, but in the midst of being grounded, he has grown to really love reading and now chooses to read a lot of the time, even still.  I've also noticed that his new love for reading has really helped him to center his attention and think about each word, one at a time, which is very calming.

A Good Mom

I am a good Mom!

Trust me, I know we get secretly judged (and sometimes not so secretly) by those that think we're too hard on our boys and going about this parenting thing all wrong. In all honesty, you may be right sometimes, but the fact of the matter is, we stepped in when others stepped out, and that alone makes up for all that. At least we're trying! We have some hard times. And by hard I mean DARK--in every sense of the word. Things so difficult, you there, sitting there in your pajamas drinking your coffee with your wee little's happily frolicking around on this fine morning, would be curled up in in a fetal position on the floor, crying and begging to stop the madness.  How do I know?! Because that was me in the beginning (minus the wee little's), before I grew a pair and saddled up for the long haul in the face of constant adversity with these two. We were not prepared for the hurricane that is Asher and Noah, but quitting was not an option.  

"Oh but you have to hug and kiss them and love on them every day. That's what they need!" 

 Sounds legit, right? WRONG! DEAD WRONG! What would you do with a child that says he wants a hug, but when you try, goes rigid and behaves as if he wants as far away from you as possible?!  I'm lucky if I get a hug on a good day, but any stranger in town can get as many hugs as they want. (Pshhh) Try kissing a kid who's dodging you on purpose.  I'm happy if Noah actually wants to have a conversation with me without behaving like a three year old to get out of speaking to me for more than a minute or two. How would you react if you said, "I love you" to them and got an "Okay" or "Thanks" in return? How about doing something really nice for them and having to ask for a thank you from two kids who've never had anything before coming here? You'd figure they'd be extremely appreciative and excited, but instead you get forced appreciation, eye rolls, and behaviors that include screaming and yelling "You never give me anything!" (yes that actually happened) Why? Because if they show any amount of genuine appreciation for anything we, their parents, give/do for them, that must mean we have control over their emotions and giving any amount of control away is not an option.  My point is, Love is not enough--listen to me now, it's NOT enough. I cannot heal my children's trauma with love alone. I cannot make them behave appropriately by always hugging, kissing, petting and sweet talking them. How can you give a child enough love, who is terrified love in the first place?! Yep, that's right, I said TERRIFIED OF LOVE.  Just let that sink in a minute. I wondered why God would choose these tough kiddos for me in the beginning, and though I still don't know the answer, I can see now how he's using the experience with my sons, to work out something greater in me. Because in the very least, being their mom, requires ALL the fruits of the spirit, most of which, I do not have yet. "Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..." Galations 5:22 So far I think out of all of these, longsuffering is the only one I really have down, and even that's questionable at times. ;) Hahaha!

But we do have good times, lots and lots of good times. They may not look anything like yours, but they're good indeed. Because of us, Noah is no longer in a self contained behavior class at school and got awards for being the most helpful in class. AND he no longer acts as if he's 'cuckoo bird' on a daily basis! (He was really convincing at first, too) Because of us, Asher is off of all medication, and is about to be tested for the gifted and talented program at school. Sometimes I take a break from being a mean mom to stay up half the night making costumes for my kids school programs. When Bob isn't being a drill sergeant dad, he's bringing home treats and shopping on his lunch break for things he knows the boys like. We have inside jokes, we laugh together, we see movies, we enjoy each others company, and so much more! You may read my laments and get annoyed, but you don't see me scouring the internet for help, for summer camps, for answers, for ways to parent my boys better, for information about attachment disorders, for other parents in similar situation that I can relate to (because there aren't many of us out there). I am not a mother in the traditional sense, but I am still a mother, and a damn good one at that. And we are a real family!

You may be looking at my posts and rolling your eyes, thinking "Oh great, here comes more negativity..." and if you are, this blog isn't for you and I have no apology to offer. Being judged by others when you already feel defeated and low, is not a fun place to be. This is for parents who are reading this thinking, "She understands! She gets it!" I may be the only one some have seen actually telling it like it is. Some folks are just barely finding out that adoption isn't always rainbows and unicorns, and the movie Annie was FICTION!!  If by sharing our gritty love story I can help just one parent feel as if they're not as alone and isolated as we felt, then I've successfully done what I set out to do. Keep in mind, social media isn't real life, it's only a "highlight reel" to quote another blogger. I am 100% okay with the fact that my highlight reel is a place where happiness meets messiness, because that's the spice of life. So with all this being said, I can sit here and have the satisfaction of knowing that regardless of what others think of me, MY CHILDREN, the ones I am doing all of this for, think I am pretty, kind, and above all, A GOOD MOM.

Unbreakable

One of the most frustrating, yet security promoting, things a parent can do for their their child, is to nail it in that their spouse comes before all others.

I remember being a teenager, mad at my mom for some dumb reason, having the audacity to complain to my dad about her, and he ALWAYS took her side and refused to let my disrespect govern his feelings for her. He made it clear that whether she was wrong or right, was none of my business, and he flat out refused to discuss it with me during those times. Over and over throughout my childhood, they stood together, countless times, as a united front. Boy it would piss me off when it was against me, but it sent a strong message that they were unbreakable, and blood or not, some punk kid with an attitude wasn't a match against the rock that their marriage was. I would eventually get over whatever it was, but the message they sent, though harsh, soothed my soul during other rough times. Sure we were a family unit, and we all stood by and protected eachother on any given day, but us kids knew that come hell or high water, our parents weren't going to be separated. Their example is what I also wanted in a marriage for myself.  They aren't perfect by any means, but they are completely committed to eachother. They're still married to this day-- it'll be 41 years in September.

Tonight I got to see that very scene play out in my home with my husband and son. There stood Noah, fresh out of the hospital for behavior so disrespectful toward me last week, that he was almost sent to juvenile hall, cowardly facing my husband, whom he hadn't seen since the day before the incident. You see, Noah can seem like a regular kid when it suits him, but deep down he has a disdain for all women and he doesn't mind throwing is weight around against one if he feels the need. Afterall, his own 'mother' gave him up, so why should he respect me?  I'm no better than her in his eyes right now.

But prior to last week's incident, his relationship with Bob had been top notch. He treated him with the upmost respect, loved doing all sorts of things with/for his dad, absorbed all of his attention, gave him hugs/kisses, all the while purposely snubbing me daily with that deep anger in such subtle ways that even Bob missed it most of the time. This behavior is called triangulation and is common for kids with attachment issues to use, and boy they're good at it! For example, he'd sit on the same side as Bob out at dinner and smile/converse with him while simultaneously shooting me hateful glares and making underhanded remarks etc. Then when I would correct what I saw, Bob was confused and clueless as to what I was referring to because Noah is that good at hiding his behavior in plain sight. I'd tell him over and over what he was doing and sometimes he would catch and correct it, but a lot of it would fly right past him. But at this point, Noah had been getting away with this behavior and more toward me for quite some time and it was really wearing me down. Because he has so little respect for anything I said to him, my corrections were futile and fell on deaf ears. He'd say, "yes ma'am" and then go right back to doing the same thing. In all honesty, there have been times that I felt helpless, because I wanted so badly for Bob to step up and put an end to it, yet how could he truly do that if he couldn't see what I saw when he wasn't looking or worse, when he was at work? He believed what I said was happening, but because he missed so much of it, he didn't see that it was getting worse.

However, with all that being said, the poor child had no idea what he was up against doing what he did last week. Had he not finally gotten so out of hand with me and crossed a major line, Bob probably wouldn't have ever known just how truly hateful he was towards me, and Noah would have just kept getting away with it. Noah didn't have a clue that his behavior last week would show his true colors so profoundly that it would strike a cord in Bobby, his child mind couldn't even fathom. All he had seen in his eleven short years on this earth is that families don't last forever and that his behavior has the power to cause enough turmoil to mess everything up. In his mind, he might as well ruin this whole 'scary family thing' and get it over with so he can prove to himself once again that we're not trustworthy, just like everyone else. However, instead of all that happening, we were still the forever family that picked him up from the hospital despite his ugliness towards me, not the caseworker he probably expected after this last stunt he pulled. I know he thought deep down inside that he had finally ruined everything for good. That alone got him to the core. When we got home, and as soon as we walked in the door, my husband stood there in all his glory and made Noah face him and look him in the eye, and with the authority of an amazing husband and father, just like my dad did to me, Bob made it crystal clear that he wasn't going to disrespect his wife and best friend anymore, and that there wasn't anything he could do to separate us at any given time. After all, it was God who put us together in the first place. I know hearing those words and seeing how serious Bob was, stung Noah the same way they stung me as a kid, but I also know that his soul got the message and he will gain a security he's never had before because of this moment. Until tonight, Noah probably had no real idea what the role of a true committed husband looked like, but he sure does now. And he now has a picture of the husband he can aspire to be like, when he's grown.  I'm so proud of Bob, not only for defending and protecting me, but for proving to Noah that our family began with he and I first and foremost, and we are unbreakable. 

Please keep our family in your prayers, we need all the divine help we can get.