I think it's pretty telling of his capable thought process that Noah would tell Bob randomly at drop off this morning, "Dad, I feel like I need to be nicer to mom." All those shit fits he throws for me and the amount of disrespect I get daily, my job being his mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I guess I could have done like the majority of his foster moms before and write him/his behavior off like he's 'out of his mind,' 'he's not normal,' or that he's 'incapable of behaving well,' and cart him off to the mental health Gods like a sacrifical lamb for fixing, but I refused. Of course we still have a psychiatrist who oversees the meds he came here on, but my faith is not in anything they can do for him. Honestly, it's really been a useless feat when it comes to that considering my child has been in therapy since three years of age, has been hospitalized, on an upwards of nine medicines for his behavior at one time in foster care, actually behaving worse than he does now! But fortunately for him, I figured out the first month he was home that this 'crazy' 'psychotic' behavior was was all a facade and thankfully, God did not create me to give up and/or accept the fate that my kid was beyond help. I am a fixer, an explorer of options, and bona-fide hard ass at that. I call bullshit when I see it and that is the majority of what Bob and I have had to deal with when it comes to Noah.
But before some of you get all Karyn Purvis on me, was my child traumatized? Yes, and I know about fear and what it can do, and my child does not respond to any of the techniques she's written about, aside from redos. Moving on- Is my child emotionally stunted? Yes. Does my child have a diagnosis? Yes. Is my child mentally retarded? NO. Despite his trauma, the fear, multiple diagnoses, and emotional immaturity, can he learn how to treat people fairly and behave well in multiple situations without medicine? YES!! But it takes consistency, lots of support (for us no doubt) and the refusal to give up. Is it easier to accomplish this without medicine? HECK NO! As matter of fact, we have him down to only one medicine now, and he's doing the same if not better than he did on the four he came home on. But regardless of that, this blog isn't about medicine, mental health, or parenting techniques. It's about love-- the TOUGH 'in your face, I refuse to give up and be like the rest of those other moms before me who failed you' LOVE. LOVE!! I'm sitting here on the verge of tears typing this because most of you reading this probably won't comprehend the depth of what that means and I have no other words to describe it. Especially, if you've never had to care for a child this involved who's in pieces. Jesus loved this way, he loved us so much he was willing to do so unto death. Am I worthy to be compared to Jesus? Certainly not! But through adversity with my kid, I now get the magnitude of what his love did for us and I am thankful. He saw us, he loved us, he knew we could do/be better, so he made help available. Christ did not bow to the enemy, Christ did not believe the lies he told. Christ loved, but he did not do so weakly, he did it with nerve and passion and against all odds! He trampled the enemy in his tracks and conquered death and hell so that we could live victorious! My child is not the enemy here, but the tools he uses to cope with his hurt came from the enemy and that will stop in our home. As his parent, I have to be like Christ, I cannot and will not lay down and let my child continue to stay in this destructive behavioral mess he's in, because that is to no benefit of him and I care too much. Jesus says, I love you, I see your heart, you have potential, here's the mess, now let me help you clean it up and that's how I have to be. I can't do anything to heal his trauma, Jesus did that alread, but I will guide him to success as long as God let's me. My love for Noah may not look like love in the traditional sense, but that's only because God called me to love him in a deeper way. As soon as I figured that out, the guilt I had about not being able to love him in a 'normal' mother/son way, became invalid. Sure I mess up and make mistakes, we all do as parents. It's trial and error most days, but I remain steadfast in knowing that though he came into my home a hurt boy, by the grace of God, he will leave my home a healed man. And today, the words, "Dad, I feel like I need to be nicer to mom..." is a testament that we are on the right track, because the seed of growth and change is already planted.
Ps: I know I said some strong words about mental health etc., but please understand that was not an attack on the profession. They do some amazing things and I am grateful for their diligence in trying to find answers. This is just my personal point of view about my own child.
