Today when I picked up the boys from school I had some free time in between dropping them off at my mother in law's house and going back to work so I decided to take them to the library that was close by to get a few things. More than anything, it was a tool to keep them occupied and out of mischief while I was away. Since the boys have been with us, the library has been one of those things they've surprisingly enjoyed doing very much. I personally don't recall begging to go to the library as a child the way these two do but I suppose if I'd never been given the opportunity to do something like that I would likely feel the same way. Anyways, their enthusiasm for something as simple as a book that doesn't belong to them whatsoever, is intriguing.
Later on, when it was time to pick them up from their Nanaw's house, we gathered the books and got in the car. As we were headed home Noah said, "Mom I love going to the library so much, can we please please please go more this summer?" Me still being intrigued at the whole idea of them loving books I said, "Man, did y'all not ever get to go to the library before coming here?" Noah and Asher both exclaimed, "NO WAY!! We never did that before." So I said, "Well I guess maybe your last foster mom didn't want to take you because she was afraid some of the books would get ripped up or something." Noah replied, "Yeah like I did before, I ripped up a book pretty bad once at their house." Pressing on I said, "Oh yeah? Why would you do something like that?" He replied, "Well because I was really really mad." Then as the conversation progressed I asked him, "So how come you don't tear up your library books here at our home?" and Asher said, "Probably because he knows he'll get in trouble!" Noah got annoyed and said, "Nuh uh!! That's not true! I'm not afraid to get in trouble! But I think because they don't belong to me so I have to take care of them...and well...well because I've changed." Realizing this was somewhat of a breakthrough moment I asked, "What do you mean you've changed?" so he says, "I changed because I feel like I have a more better future and I didn't then. I'm adopted and I know that my life is going to be better now and because y'all have told me that God has a plan for my life." You have no idea how sweet it was to hear him say these things. I looked at him from the rear view mirror and watched his facial expression as he explained all of this and the confidence on his face was amazing! It blessed my soul to know for certain that this was coming straight from his heart. Noah is the one that has his guard up at all times, fights to remain control of every situation, goes out of his way to manipulate the world around him and uses his poor speech to confuse others to keep them at a distance/guessing what he's up to. He is not a boy who will bare his heart to just anyone. In the same moment that he's telling me these things, I realize he's repeating something I told him during a time when he was behaving at his worst and I was floored that he actually took in what I was saying and allowed it to bring forth change.
Even though it was almost a year ago I remember those days like they were yesterday; Noah would frequently have pretty bad crying fits etc. and would usually end up into a fetal position on his bedroom floor. During these times he would lash out at us and/or hurt himself so I didn't really want to get close to him whatsoever. As a matter of fact, I usually wanted to be as far away from him as possible. At this point he'd only been in our home for a month or so and we had a lot of turmoil already and I was simply exhausted. Regardless, during these times I would go into his room and crawl up next to him on the floor and sit down. My first inclination was to ask him what was wrong but most of the time he'd sit there and give me nothing but outlandish behaviors in return. He'd usually begin to talk 'out of his head' about things that didn't make any sense (a tool he uses to scare others away) and when I would try to offer him advice, he'd roll his eyes as if nothing I was saying was of any importance. However, in a few of these moments when he wanted nothing more but for me to back away, he'd say things like, "My life is ruined and I'm going to grow up and go to prison and I don't want to go there" or "I'm ugly and I do bad things" "I'm a horrible person, I'm so mean" or "I feel like I'm a bad kid and will die and go to hell" and then immediately resume his behaviors making it very difficult to want to continue trying to get him to calm down. However, when he'd say this I'd respond by saying, "You know, God spoke to me about you before you even got here and he's got a plan for your life and it doesn't include prison" "You are exactly the son God wanted us to have and you're perfect for our family" and "Put your trust in God and you won't have to worry about dying/going to hell" or "One of these days you're going to be healed and you won't be like this anymore." However, no matter what I said, he'd continue behaving erratically and I'd end up leaving the room so he could get himself together. I'd end up even more exhausted and not knowing whether anything I said made any difference so eventually I just stopped trying all together. But today, today I realize it did make a difference and I'm blessed because of it. Let me tell you, it's HARD to keep track of the progress when you have children in your home that constantly display difficult behavior on a daily basis. But it's in the moments like these when he's unaware that he's opening up, where I get the most encouragement. Just to know that we're actually getting somewhere when it seems like we take one step forward and two steps back most days. My boys are hard, they're the two toughest little beings I've ever met but little by little, they let us catch a glimpse of the real kid inside and I'm in love with what I see.
We still have turmoil filled days, but at least now I know that what I say during these tumultuous times has the potential to bring forth change in his heart, whether it be now or later, and I will continue to try no matter how bleak it looks.
