This is the same kid who struggles sometimes every minute of the day with OCD and his obsession with perfection. Every word he utters and every movement he makes is consumed by it. Sometimes as I watch him struggle with simple everyday tasks we all take for granted, and believe me y'all it's really difficult to watch, I can feel the frustration build inside me. At the same time my inner most being screams, "Just tie your shoes for God's sake, it's not that hard!! C'mon Noah, put the towel in the dirty clothes, JUST PUT THE TOWEL IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES!!" as he fumbles wildly, shaking, and ticing, having to accomplish it until it feels 'just right' in his world. I'm not going to tell you that I don't have moments where the frustration gets the best of me where I actually say those words OUT LOUD because shamefully, I do. There are days I am weak from the stress of watching him consumed by his inner turmoil, on those days the tension is palpable, on those days I tend to slip up, on those days I feel like the worst mother in the world. Yet, there are times when I somehow muster up the ability to stifle the frustration and anger I feel towards OCD and what it does to my son, and the words I choose to let beyond these lips are, "Son, there's no perfect way to speak and there's no perfect way to do anything. Jesus is the only perfect one and He can help you." Before today I truly felt like those words fell on deaf ears as he would seemingly bypass what I said and continue doing what he was doing before. Even after saying that, most of the time I have to physically remove things from his hands or lead him away from a situation, and sometimes I have to make him redo whatever it is ten or more times until he stops and does whatever it is without performing any rituals. This life isn't for everyone but albeit, it's mine. This is the son God chose for me, and though he's far from ever being 'perfect' (whatever perfect is anyway) he's a part of God's perfect plan for my life and I am thankful.
I know that one day Noah will be healed and though I can't see the bigger picture or have all the answers as to how it's going to work out, I rest in knowing that God's ways are not my ways. He's never lied to me and He's never let me down and He will work it all out according to his perfect plan.
