I figured I would share a moment of realness we had with our youngest son today. This is an extremely rare occasion so when it happens, it most definitely is share worthy.
Today we had long time plumber friend of ours come over that the boys had never met to fix our water heater. As he was on his way out the door he said something to the effect of, "Congratulations on finalizing your adoption next month! That's so exciting!" Out of nowhere my youngest son responded by saying, "Yeah me and my brother were in foster care and I hate foster care!" "Our parents were bad parents so we had to get adopted." "They fought a lot...and I don't like seeing them fight." "But I have them now, (pointed to us) and they're good parents and I get to live in a home with peace!"
OH. EM. GEE.
You could have heard a pin drop at that point. It was an awkward silence...a very definite awkward silence...but if there ever was a time when my heart both broke and welled up with happiness, it was in this moment. (I never knew such an feeling was possible.) This is a child that has said weekly in the beginning that he misses/loves his parents and he wants to go back with them. He has also talked about turning 18 and finding his mother or moving far away with her. However, in just a few short sentences, he powerfully summed up his seven years on this earth without any inhibitions and bared his heart. My own heart broke to hear the pain, sadness, and loss he endured but yet at the same time it flooded with happiness in awe at the goodness of God who thought him worthy of a happy ending that includes Bob and I and that he was finally embracing it.
Though we mercilessly pursued them, when my boys came home, my life became virtually unrecognizable. It may sound insensitive but there were nights that I cried myself to sleep wondering how I got us into this mess and if it would ever be okay. I had moments of jealousy and resentment and that in its self led to feelings of guilt knowing that I felt that way when they were relying on me to be the best mom I could be. I honestly wondered if I would ever learn to love my new 'normal.' Yet through this journey I was handed a mirror into my inner most being and with it God has been revealing to me that though I need his help daily to be even a little good, I'm equipped with a strength and endurance that I never knew existed within me to bare their brokenness. Though I tend to forget to say it out loud, it especially resounds in my mind in times like these that all of the long days, sleepless nights, stress, behaviors, and extremely uncomfortable moments endured are a blessing and I am privileged to have been chosen for this life.
With love,
Hannah
