Well it's officially January 1, 2014. Remembering when we started this journey in Oct./Nov. 2012 I never once thought we'd be beginning 2014 still without our children but here we are. Just last night I was telling Bobby that I didn't know how on earth we made it this long not having them, it's been a tough ride. I'll admit, the holidays were really rough and the anxiety was insurmountable. I simply couldn't shake the feeling that my children were spending yet another holiday season in foster care. I struggled daily to find things to be thankful for around Thanksgiving and all of Christmas was pretty much a blur. I felt like I was on autopilot just existing and doing what I thought I had to do for the time being. I purposely stayed away from friends and kept to myself for the sake of not wanting to dump my emotional mess on them. In my mind doing that wouldn't be fair, especially since I can't expect them to empathize with me during this unique stage in our lives. I'm am blessed though because Bobby was supportive every step of the way trying to uplift me the best he knew how regardless of the fact that he too felt the gravity of the situation in his own way. One really good thing that kept us busy during that time was planning and participating in our church missions which catered to orphans during Christmas. Bobby played Santa Clause at a Milk and Cookies party we threw for the children at the Texas Pythian Home and then on Christmas Eve we took dinner and music to the teens at an Emergency Youth Shelter here in Ft. Worth and served them. These two things were a real blessing to me and bringing joy to otherwise hurting children helped to take my mind off of myself and how I felt. Serving others was a welcomed break.
Aside from not having our children for the holidays, much of what I was so anxious about was the fact that we were chosen as the #1 family for two boys in San Antonio and their file was due to arrive any day to which it did exactly a week before Christmas. Though that sounds like a great thing, and it is to an extent, Bob and I were concerned because we had been waiting to hear something on another set of siblings that we fell head over heels for back in October at a match event. Receiving the file so quickly for the other two boys meant that we'd have a very small time frame to read it and make a final decision (7 days at first but our Cw graciously extended it). To put it plainly, we felt we weren't prepared to make such a decision without knowing anything about the others we'd waited so long to hear about. Regardless of the situation, I drudged on and read all but maybe 300 pages of just about a 3000 page file before we made a decision together. Reading through the file was pretty eye opening and the majority of their file seemed pretty legit and forthcoming. At first nothing stood out as too much of a concern as to why we shouldn't adopt them but when I got to their present day information (file went from 2006 to 2013) what I read helped us make a clearer decision and we decided not to pursue these boys any further. It wasn't any one thing that was super significant but rather a behavior pattern that I started to see when I put everything together. The older child had a particular behavior at every home and continued to have it despite receiving intense therapy twice weekly and behavioral interventions while in the therapeutic home they are presently living at for the last two years so we knew there was nothing we could do to help further, especially as new parents. With this being the first time for us to make such a tough decision, Bobby and I were surprised that we had so much peace about it and that only further confirmed and cemented the fact that we had made the right decision.
So as for now we are still patiently waiting for God to move and bring our children home. I don't know exactly when it will be or how long it will take but we are committed to doing whatever it takes to get there, even if that means more waiting. I've finally come to the realization that I don't want to look back on this time and remember how agonizing the waiting process was but instead look back and remember having joy. As for 2014, I wouldn't call it a resolution but I would like to enlarge my personal boarder to include helping not just the orphan, but others who are lost and hurting. I don't want to be afraid of getting my hands dirty for a particular cause if it means bringing someone joy and/or standing up in the face of adversity. I don't want to spend another minute feeling selfishly anxious about my own situation but begin to pour myself into helping others. Doing so would only bring me closer to God and that's all I truly long for at the moment. One thing the Lord has done personally for me through this entire process is spark a compassion of a greater magnitude in my heart for others that I really never had before. I can look at others now and actually SEE them and their value as a human being aside from their physical/financial/moral/religious status. It's become easier to listen to someone speak and hear their heart over the nonsense and that helps me to avoid self-righteously judging them. For that I am grateful.
To our friends out there, don't be offended if we keep to ourselves in the hard moments, this journey can be rough and sometimes we just need to take a time out. We promise we still love everyone the same. Thank you so much for your continued support and love and please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue on.
Hannah
